Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself

I just need to read back through some of the more difficult times I wrote about on this blog. The fertility drugs, the anxiety, the pain at the thought of never having children.

The reminders of all of those things bring me back to "center". And in the grand scheme, having a head cold that won't go away and spending Christmas apart from my family are not the worst things in the world.

I have so much to be thankful for today, that I feel a little guilty for wasting an ounce of my time or energy feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I feel pretty rotten (those of us who "never get sick" are the biggest cry-babies on the planet when we do), and a little lonely, but I have two amazing little boys growing under my heart, sharing my body for a few last days. I have a husband to love and be loved by in return. I have three furry babies who keep me amused with their antics, and settle my restlessness with their cuddling and their gentle, wordless love.

I am blessed with hope for the future, a warm and happy home, and the knowledge that my work, as an incubator, is nearly done, and my work as a mother just beginning.

While anxious and a bit afraid of what the immediate future will bring--the unknowns of giving birth, I am also finding a certain serenity, knowing it is inevitable, that whether I fear or embrace the pain will affect how I perceive and experience it, that it is within my control, and that after all is said and done, I will have not only my boys to hold, but a new understanding of my self and my body.

Impatience and patience are tangled up together now, and I work through them like a knot, untangling this little bit of patience, and then that little bit of impatience, and experiencing both with a curious duality that I didn't know existed in my nature.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, now and in the future, I can find this post, my Christmas post the year that I was pregnant, and remember how blessed I am.

Ugh....sick

A head cold for the first time I can remember in YEARS! While I'm expecting to go into labor at any minute!

I am being very conscious of germs right now and wiping my hands with Purell before touching anything that will touch the babies after they arrive, especially since they are likely to be small and maybe early. While I am hoping this is just rhinitis and that it is NOT an infection of any kind, I figure it can't hurt to be too careful.

My newest batch of cloth diapers arrived yesterday--they are the bumgenius one-size diapers. They were expensive, even on sale, but they will definitely pay for themselves in the long run. They are so soft and cute, and I love that the boys will be able to wear them until they are 35 lbs. We only have 12 of them, so at first the plan is to use prefolds and wraps during the day and the BGs at night--easier to fumble with when tired. I really should have all the diapers the boys will ever need now. What a great feeling, to have that taken care of!

Fat babies have no pride

I am carrying 11 lbs of baby right now. The ultrasound tech pointed out the boys' fat rolls to me. Wow are those little guys quickly turning into BIG guys!!! The midwife seems to think I'm going to deliver within the next three weeks.

Hallelujah.

"Fat Babies have no pride
That's okay, who needs pride?"
-Lyle Lovett

Weeks, if not days

We've scheduled our hospital tour for Wednesday night, and I have an ultrasound (my last?) scheduled for thursday morning.

I hit the thirty-four week mark on thursday, and that means no turning back! If I go into labor after thursday, no efforts will be made to stop my labor. This is such a huge week, not just in the boys development, but in the emotional process for me. I can't believe I am so close, finally!

Two years ago, Mark and I decided we wanted to have a baby. We thought, like many people think, that it would happen easily, quickly. I stopped taking birth control and we decided to "see what happens."

What happened was pretty much nothing! For a LONG time! Now, after all that waiting, the fertility treatments, the wondering, we are about to have not one, but two babies in our arms.

At this point, its hard to say how I feel. Anxious, excited, a little overwhelmed and intimidated. I am very much aware of how far we've all come--Me, Mark, and they little ones.

Life is good.

What is all this going to mean for blogging about infertility? Well, as an infertility blogger, I believe I'll be hanging up my hat. I'll also probably not blog about pregnancy in the future--except in nostalgia. I'll probably change the look and feel of this blog, as well as the tagline, but the title will stay the same. Hope does feel good, and after all the times I nearly lost hope, I have the rest of my lifetime to see it on the faces of my two little boys.

belly progress report

I think I'm officially huge now. And because everyone insists that "From behind, you don't look pregnant!" I included my booty shot. ;)

Can I have my brain back, please?

I'm so tired of crying over every little thing that happens, and I'm really, really tired of being a nasty bitch to everyone. I try and bite it back and hold it in and not be such a royal pain in the ass, and then I explode in a spectacular display of hormonal neediness.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at my behavior today, and I really think that sometimes pregnancy brings out the worst in me.

"The days go by, just like they know me"

Okay, its starting to scare me how I lose track of time know. A minute ago it was 8AM, I was finishing breakfast and paying the bills online while waiting for it to be after 9 so that I could run errands without getting caught in traffic.

Now its almost noon, I am wondering WhereTF the time went, and why am I still on this stupid chair with my computer in my lap.

"The days go by, just like they know me
they know just how to get my goat
they kiss me hard and then grab me by the throat
then they sail away in a little boat
westerly..."
(greg brown)

How will it go, when it goes?

Will I wake up, in the middle of the night, needing something unfamiliar and realizing that the pressure, the pain, they are different from all the times before?

Will I go to a routine doctor's appointment and be sent from there to the hospital?

Will my water break?

Will I schedule a c-section and arrive at the hospital with a fresh pedicure and shaved legs?

Will I spend a day not unlike today? surrounded by the soft noises of dogs sleeping and snoring and dreaming? Music from a distant part of the house? The sounds of Mark cleaning something, a car, a floor, a fish tank? Will I watch Hank's toes twitch with his dreaming, hearing his soft hooting noises that would be barks if he were awake? Will I sing off-key as I wash the dishes and sort the laundry, the way I love to sing, loudly, brashly, with no one here to acknowledge how badly I sing? Will that day go on in my typical routine while inside I wonder if I should be timing contractions?

It could be a day like today. How will I say goodbye to our routine?

Post-Thanksgiving

A quiet thanksgiving at home yesterday. The smoked turkey was lovely, the stuffing perfect.

The kitchen is a mess because we left it in our turkey-drugged stupor to watch James Bond movies from the couch the rest of the afternoon.

Late at night I woke up from a vivid dream about food (specifically some kind of weird dead dried up fish someone was trying to get me to eat) to terrible reflux--the kind where stomach acid pours up into your throat. I had a hard time getting comfortable after that.

31 weeks pregnant now--only a few more weeks to go. I'm filled with impatience and excitement.

So damn tired

Last night I was contracting every 5-7 minutes while watching TV, so at 11 pm, I hopped in the bath tub with a 34 oz. bottle of water by my side and lay there for about an hour, drinking water the whole time. The contractions slowed to one every 10-15 minutes or so, so I got out, dried off, and went to bed.

And proceeded to get up to pee every 10 minutes for the rest of the night.

With these episodes of frequent contractions growing more common, I can't help but feel the boys are getting ready to show up within the next 4-6 weeks.

Get ready Mama, babies are coming!

Under no circumstances...

*warning, parental discretion advised. This post contains frank discussion of certain anatomical changes brought about by pregnancy. Yeah, THOSE changes. Cover the kiddos eyes, and if you don't want to hear about my ass, don't read any further.

So, I thought I might have hemorrhoids, a couple of weeks ago, but the certain awful sensations dissipated (or I grew accustomed to them) so I forgot about the thought that had crossed my mind..."Hey pregosaurus, you might have hemorrhoids!"

So today, I decided to do a little femmescaping. Nothing major, its not like I can see it, I just wanted to trim the hedges a bit because I had this funny thought that since my body hair has slowed in growth drastically, if I trim now, maybe I won't be jungleriffic when I deliver, and someone actually sees my bidness.

So, I mustered all my courage and got out the hand mirror and the beard trimmers and set to work. First note, at this point, I am large enough that my belly actually folds OVER my pubic hair a bit. It is damn near impossible to hold your belly up, hold a mirror, and work the trimmer at the same time. And don't think you can hold the mirror with your feet. It just does. not. work.

So, after deciding to trim that part blind, I moved on to the rest of it, which was fairly uneventful, once I figured out the mirror direction thing.

Then, as I was finishing up, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and though, "huh, what is THAT?"

Yeah, I moved the mirror. I looked. I saw.

I could have lived a long happy life without knowing what hemorrhoids look like. That image had always been somewhat vague and imaginary before. Now it is a reality burned into my brain forever, and I am horribly, terribly unnerved by it.

So, if you are pregnant, and you think you might have hemorrhoids, take my advice. Pay for a wax, or have your partner do your grooming for you. And set up a strict don't ask/don't tell policy with your partner.

And whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, hold a mirror anywhere near your pooper.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d

I don't want to be one of those pregnant women who complains about being pregnant, but holy crap my belly hurts!

No one really ever tells you how it feels. My ribs are spreading and my sternum has turned up at the end like the end of a ski, leaving a burning/stinging/itchy sensation along the top of my bump where it meets my boobs, which are being held in a pretty perky position even without a bra by my hugeness. This sensation really feels like the itchiest rash ever combined with a pulled muscle.

Meanwhile, below the bump, there is some stretching pain in the groin, radiating up around my belly. This is pubic diastasis, and it ain't fun! Basically, everything is spreading, everything hurts.

I tried to explain to Mark, I am NOT totally miserable all the time. I'm just in pain and uncomfortable. I'm truly ecstatically happy--but all the joy in the world doesn't prevent a person from feeling pain. In two months, my boys will be here and this particular pain will be done.

I can handle it for two months. Just don't expect me to get anywhere in a hurry.

Hello Third Trimester!

28 weeks today babies!

Woo-hoo!

Went and got myself a pedicure, took the dogs to the boarding kennel for the weekend, and I am SO READY to go to the beach for Josh's wedding.

I have had so much anxiety wrapped up in whether or not I would be allowed to travel for this wedding, I think I will be so relaxed when its over, but I am REALLY looking forward to the weekend.

The Bad and the Good

Last Saturday night I had contractions 6 minutes apart, so I went to the hospital, where I spent the night. I was out of town for my baby shower, so my husband was 4 hours away, so my Dad came to the hospital with me. By the time we got up to L&D the contractions were 2 minutes apart, so I was given a shot of terbutaline to stop them (it worked) put on IV fluids and monitored through the night. I was given a fetal fibronectin test, which was negative, indicating that I won't go into labor within the next two weeks. They also checked my cervix and said everything felt good.

So, a whirlwind few days later, back in the ATL, I had a growth scan and midwife/OB appt. My cervix measure 5.4 centimeters, so whatever happened the other night did not affect it at all, which is really good news. The boys are close to 3 lbs. EACH. WHOA! I can't believe there is almost 6 lbs. of baby inside me right now!!! And I was right, baby B has rotated into a head-down position, which explains a lot of the motion (commotion) I feel.

I took down the studio background today--got to get that nursery started! I'm going to look into moving the "studio" into the guest room instead, but may end up doing outdoor shots for my belly photos this week, maybe. Since I skipped last week's belly shot, I figure I need to do something different and new this week!

99 days left

99 days left until my 40 week due date.

Wow, it's getting close. :)

Anniversary Dinner

Last night Mark and I went out to dinner at my most favoritest place in order to celebrate our anniversary (which is actually Thursday). I had a filet so good it made me want to cry. The demi-glace was perfect--it made me want to lick my plate.

I can't believe we've been married 4 years already. Wow. Just Wow. Every year on our anniversary, I tried on the top part of my wedding dress to see if I could still fit in it, and every year I could. This year, I won't be trying that little experiment. :) Wouldn't be fair to my boobs. Or my gigantabelly. Or the dress, for that matter.

I'm feeling restless with regards to my body. I know that the roundness is a temporary state, and I am fine with that and everything that comes with it. In fact, in some ways, I love my body more than I ever have before. But I look in the mirror, and I see the muscles in my arms and legs and butt have been wasting away. I'm getting thin in places I used to be strong. I'm worried that I'm getting weak, soft. I'm worried that I'm losing bone mass. I worry about the long term effects of the appetite troubles I've had since being pregnant.

I am thinking about a post partum exercise plan, and floundering because I still don't know what I'll be capable of doing. I know I won't be allowed to resume full activity until after 6 weeks PP. At that point, I would like to start running in the evenings when Mark comes home from work. I'd also like to set a bike trainer up in my house for use while the twins sleep. Between cycling and running, I feel like I should be able to get my cardio health back up to speed relatively quickly. I know a marathon is probably out of the question at least while I'm still breastfeeding, and that's okay. I have other fitness goals for myself now--mostly revolving around raising children in a household with a firm commitment to health as a part of happiness. If they see their parents exercise and workout as a normal part of life, they will be likely to be more active themselves. That's one of the best gifts I can give them.

belly progress report

Huge...and hungry.

I am finally, at 25 1/2 weeks developing an appetite. I see this as a good development!

oof!

That was quite the kick to the ribs there buddy.

I believe, from the way things are feeling in there (numerous strong kicks to both sides of my ribcage), that Baby B has turned and that both babies are head down.

Meanwhile, I have my consent forms and pre-admission paperwork for the hospital ready to be filled out and have little panic attacks every time I sit down to do the paperwork. It sucks, as I am the "paperwork" spouse: I fill out forms (for him too), I pay the bills, I schedule appointments for me, him, and the dogs. I did all the RE paperwork and so on.

Now, I am 25 weeks pregnant, and scared to death to fill out three little one-page forms. I don't want to fill out the c-section form because it makes it seem so final. I don't want to fill out the vaginal birth form because I want a c-section. I don't want to fill out the pre-admission paperwork because then i have to fill out the other two.

I have mostly packed the hospital bag, still need to get a few more items for the babies' portion of the bag, and pick some clothes for me to wear home from the hospital. I even have Mark's clothes packed, but not my own. Of course, he won't have an incision and a bleeding hoo-ha to deal with, so his clothes were easy. ;) The bag is going in the trunk of my car next week and remaining there until delivery. Wow, what a weird thought. Within three months from now, I will have gone to the hospital and produced two little men, out of my own body.

In some ways, I'm really looking forward to having sole possession of the premises again, and I am just dying to meet my little boys. However, I know I am going to miss this time with them--the awe of feeling them move inside me (at least when they are being gentle). But I won't miss the fear, the anxiety. I know there will be new fears, new anxieties, but this fear, this anxiety will be past.

Sometimes, I wish there were two of me...

It would certainly make it easier to be carrying two of them. :)

24 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I only have 12-14 weeks left, but that seems to stretch for an eternity!!! I am just so ready to meet my little boys, and so impatient to see their little faces. From the last ultrasound, I suspect they look an awful lot like their daddy. I wonder if maybe they could at least have my green eyes?

Nothing to say

I've started a blog post every day this week, then changed my mind as I realized I had nothing to say. I know what you're thinking..."She's never let that stop her before"

Anyway, all is well, life is good. I just don't have anything to say.

milestones

I'm 23 weeks pregnant today.

This means that after today, there is a chance my boys could survive outside the womb. Every day after today that chance grows, until I reach 34 weeks, at which point it is likely that they would suffer NO longterm problems as a result of early birth.

Roman, Joel, keep growing strong little guys!!!! I am looking forward to meeting you, but hope you'll hang out in there for another 12 weeks at least!

Taking matters into my own hands

I'm tired of being chastised at the doctor's office for my blood pressure--which is elevated because I am nervous about them chastising me about my blood pressure!!!!

So I bought a blood pressure monitor from amazon.com today and I am going to monitor my BP daily and keep a log listing the date, time taken, mood, etc. I'm going to take the log to my doctor's appointments with me and show them that my BP is usually normal and that their causing me to freak out about it is making it worse!!!

My BP before my scan yesterday was 172 over 95. After the scan it was 130 over 80. yes, I know that 130 systolic is still elevated, but they took my BP immediately after the doctor said "we need to screen you for the heart condition that your sister had." Um, okay, like that's not going to cause my systolic to spike?

I do feel that being able to show the doctors that THEY are the ones causing my elevated BP at the office and that typically it is much lower will help.

High Risk

So, I have my first appointment with a high risk doctor today. I'm pretty nervous about it--not because I fear there is anything wrong with my twins--those little guys are perfect and I just know it. Its more that I am afraid there is something nebulous and indefinable wrong with me (how's that for self esteem).

I'm also nervous about seeing a new doctor who I've never seen before. I'm nervous about being labeled "high risk." Its a term that has come up several times during my pregnancy and it always makes me a little nervous. I guess I'm just nervous in general about the unknown, about having to be my own advocate and the advocate for my two little ones.

I'm nervous about the prospect of bedrest. Some doctors put all twin moms on bedrest. Is this doctor going to be one of those? I really hope not.

So, this morning finds me nervous and agitated, and no amount of meditation or cuddling with the dogs, or feeling my babies kick is settling it down for me. Hopefully work this morning will take my mind off it enough for me to relax a bit before I go.

belly progress report--mama needs a haircut edition

Gawd, I'm huge. Its funny, knowing I now weigh exactly what I weighed back in May when I discovered I am pregnant, but looking in the mirror and seeing a completely different body.

By fundal height I'm measuring somewhere around 32 weeks, so about ten weeks ahead (normal for twins). I'm feeling pretty good in the mornings, with a steady decline in energy over the course of the day.

I am plagued by braxton hicks contractions in the evenings, so I am doing my best to relax at night to keep those at bay. After a scary 6 BH contractions in an hour the other night, I am trying to be much more conscious of my hydration later in the day. I am faithfully drinking my 64+ oz. of water in a day, but even so, most of that is earlier in the day, and falls off after my commute home.

I am so over getting dressed in the mornings. Maternity clothes suck. I just want to wear something that looks sharp and draws attention away from the fact that I need a haircut desperately--and that my highlights are a year old. I know it's vain, but I don't want to be that pregnant woman who looks slovenly and ill-put-together because nothing fits but the yoga pants.

Alas, nothing fits but the yoga pants. :(

Are we there yet?

In this day and age

Are professional people still judged poorly for deciding to leave the paid workforce to stay home with their children? Why is it assumed that if you spend your child's early years caring for them instead of leaving them in someone else's care, that you become useless as an employee when you rejoin the paid workforce?

Are the skills of caring for another human being not transferrable to the "career world"? I'd think communicating with the non-verbal would be about as useful as it gets in the business world.

Enjoying the end of life as we know it.

Fall is coming. We put the fan in the window for the first time last night. Petra snuck up into the bed with us in the wee hours of the morning for some cuddle time. This wakes me up, but I don't mind. We've been doing this for years--I know to expect it, when it gets cold enough to put the fan in the window. I look forward to it. I'll miss my early morning cuddles with the little stinker in the time between when the babies arrive and when they start crib sleeping. during that time, the bed will be off limits to Petra, and while I doubt I will have the energy or the time to be anything but glad I don't have to worry about her being too close to the babies, I am a little sad now for the anticipated change in our routine. I'm sad for Petra, who doesn't want her life to change. I wish I could tell her what is happening, what it means to me. But instead I just lift the blankets when she comes seeking, and I let her settle down next to my ever-expanding belly, and I snuggle her close. My first baby.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d-!

It is amazing that of which the human body is capable.

I look down at my shiny, stretched-out belly. I feel tight in a way I've never felt before. Taking a breath can hurt, and a yawn is torture. But still, I stretch.

I have this vision in my head of reaching 36 weeks and my tight, stretched skin cracking and peeling back with the force of the growth, and Roman and Joel just popping right out. Hello boys! Somebody please fetch the king's horses and the king's men to put humpty-dumpty back together again.

I wonder what it will feel like, 14 or 15 weeks from now, when the boys arrive. Will my skin have stretched so much that there are stretchmarks from my hip to my ribs? Will my displaced organs seek places of refuge under my arms or above my collar bone?

Will my heart be able to bear the strain of loving three people as much as I love my husband and my two sons? Right now, I feel that organ stretching too. It strains under the weight of this thing, becoming a parent. I read about parenthood, and I cry. I see small children playing and I stifle the tears. I look at nursery furniture online and can't hold the tears back. Hormones, they say. I think maybe the hormones help the heart to stretch.

On another note, the boys have discovered my ribs in earnest over the weekend. The kicking was almost ceaseless, and I could watch a little appendage cross my skin just before landing a solid "thump" against my rib. While wincing and chuckling--how precocious my little ones are--I couldn't help but be amazed all over again at the wonders of the human body.

The Naming Of Things

Or of people, anyway... I just wanted to get a little Andrew Bird in my head this morning...

Our boys have tentative names. We're "living with them" for a couple of days, but I feel settled, and I think Mark does too. Our boys will be Joel Cutler Benson and Roman Conrad Benson.

I'm really thrilled with these names, and starting to think of the boys as Joel and Roman. Giving them names makes them seem less like little aliens and more like little men.

Belly progress report & road trip

Belly progress: still weighing in at 136. starting two protein drinks daily. Obviously the boys are growing, but I need to make sure they get enough nutrition to keep up this growth, especially since there is a chance they could arrive before 34 weeks. I really want them big and strong when they arrive!

Preparing for a trip to visit the inlaws this weekend. This will be Hank's first long car ride since we got him in March. He is going to have to sit on the backseat of the truck, with Chani and Petra in beds on the floor by the backseat. Hopefully, this will be one of my last road trips during pregnancy. Riding in the car is very uncomfortable after about an hour. Josh's wedding in Hilton Head Nov. 3rd is my LAST trip out of town, period--and at least I'll have my mercedes for that trip.

damn my bladder

Another sleepless, night. It started propped up into a half-sitting position because of the reflux. My fundus is now just under my ribcage, so I'm getting kicks to the ribs (which don't hurt yet) and heartburn (which does) and the odd sensation that if I burp, I'll throw up too. The half-propped up position gave way to the proper "sleeping on left side" position. As soon as I felt comfortable, I begain to drift off to sleep and felt a little *tug* on my bladder. It was just a tiny spasm, but I knew that if I ignored it, I'd feel another one soon.

Blankets off, extricate myself from the pillows, waddle to the bathroom, trip over Petra in the dark (she is so over sharing the bed with my pillows she usually moves to the floor early in the evening).

Back to bed. Pillow on left side is still retaining heat from my body and I'm warm from the exertion of getting up. Ick. Roll over, lay on right side. Wide awake.

Count sheep. no, really. Count sheep.

Drift....

*tug*

Are you fucking kidding me?

*TUG* *SPASM* *TUG*

Much quicker this time, blankets off, dig out from between/under/around pillows. Waddle. dodge dog. hit laundry basket.

Back to bed.

Count sheep.

Drift.

Reflux.

Prop.

Drift.

*TUG*

sigh....

Yay! We have one name!

And... it's Joel!

:D

No middle name yet, but that's just a matter of time. :)

As for the other child, the names in contention are Oliver, Donovan and Nathaniel. We'll see where those take us.

Argh!!!! Lost two lbs. again.

I am so frustrated with my inability to gain weight. Before pregnancy, this would have seemed to be a blessing. Now it just worries me ceaselessly. I am eating, I SWEAR I am eating. Sometimes huge amounts of food. Dense, calorie-rich foods like cheese and eggs and ice cream. Sugary foods like fruit and juice. Vegetables, dairy, steak and potatoes for crying out loud. Baby back ribs and corn on the cob with real butter.

I just want to gain a little bit. A lb or two a week, from now until the end. What is it going to take to get there? I would love to be 170 when I deliver, just like the doctor suggested. That would have me gaining 35 lbs between now and delivery. What's it going to take?

wondering, wondering...

is the money anxiety every going to go away? how do we figure out how much is enough? How on earth do people who are less financially secure than we are EVER manage to raise children? (not passing judgment on the less financially-secure, just honestly trying to understand how they do it, because I could use some tips!!!)

While our financial situation is very healthy for two relatively young people (more asset than debt, etc.) Living off one income is hard enough it just being the two of us. Add in two more, and it seems like such a daunting task! I've been drawing up a budget, and just don't see us supporting our current lifestyle with two babies on the way.

And I'm not talking about dinners out and expensive bottles of wine, we don't anticipate much of THAT happening with two little ones. I'm talking about the 800 channels of TV and the high-speed internet. We've decided to get rid of HBO. We have been watching it regularly for years now, but with most of the programming we've loved cancelled or otherwise gone into the great TV beyond, we don't enjoy it as much, and it certainly isn't worth spending even more money on!

But we are still regular TV watchers (Mark is more than I am, but he can't settle himself with a book or a craft project the way I can) so we don't plan to eliminate the cable TV entirely. I think I'm going to shop around for better deals than what we have through comcast.

But what about high speed internet? Can I really give this up? Can I be a stay at home mom without this line to the outside world? Without my flickr and my blogger and my gmail and my message boards and my one click free-shipping shopping on Amazon.com?

If I must, I will. But I think I'm going to wait on that.

discomfort

Generally, I feel pretty good most days, but I've started having back pain from sleeping in the prescribed "left side" position. Last night before bed My lumbar spine was hurting, so I made sure to cushion under my belly and behind my hips/lower back really well with pillows. This felt good and I was able to sleep pretty well (potty breaks not withstanding--watching a pregnant woman try and navigate her way out of her pillow supports would be pure comedy). But I woke up this morning with pain in my cervical spine. I really cannot wait to sleep on my belly again!!!!

Naming anxiety

I still think I'm winning on Joel.

I have a lot of anxiety over the whole name thing. I feel like its one thing we can have control over, and I want to have control over as much as possible, and its the one thing to which Mark is completely resistant!

The kids have to have names, but he seems terrified to even think about it. I bought him a name book yesterday. He looked at it for all of 15 minutes before he said "That's enough, I'm done for now."

Um, no, that's not enough. He looked at it for 15 minutes, said he liked the name Jack and he liked Samuel (both of which we had already discussed and discarded weeks ago for various reasons) and then that was it. No progress, nothing new at all!

I just wish I could make him understand how important this is to me--but every time I try he remembers something "urgent" he needs to do in the garage, gets up, and leaves the room.

We're going to be that family in the hospital where the kids don't have names until we have to fill out the discharge paperwork. :(

Belly Progress Report

Big and round this morning! :D

Team blue is feeling pretty good this morning. I'm still a little sore from the ultrasound--when the anatomy scan is done, there is lots of pushing and prodding at the abdomen to get the babies to move or to view their organs from different positions. Baby A was not so cooperative, so my right side in particular is feeling a little tender. Not to mention my belly button which is feeling insanely sensitive today. (maybe its going to pop soon!) The boys are quiet today--not much movement/kicking. They do have a tendency to get quiet whenever they're about to hit a big growth spurt, so I imagine I'm in for some stretching soon. Still awaiting the appearance of stretchmarks...

I picked out the changing table and cribs I want at IKEA (normally I hate IKEA, but felt I should definitely not spend lots of $$ on baby furniture to be used for only a couple of years). In a couple of weeks, we'll head to IKEA in Atlanta to purchase them and bring them home and set them up. I would have ordered them online but shipping costs are over $150, so that sort of negates the savings!

We are still at a complete loss for names. And I can't find my name book. I'm still pulling for "Joel" as the name for one of them--and I'm pretty sure I can win this one.

Blue, times Two

We're expecting two boys!

Oh, how to digest all of how I feel about this.

First--I'm excited--I have two healthy babies, and I am envisioning them playing sports together and hanging out, and hopefully being each other's closest friends. Mark is talking about putting a half-pipe in the back yard! I'm hoping that they will probably not be reluctant to try wakeboarding and snowboarding, and all the more "dangerous" sports that Mark and I enjoy. I'm looking forward to teaching them how to tie ties and knowing that some day, these little kickboxers inside me will be taller than me.

Second--I'm a little sad. I'm kind of a girly-girl and I was so sure that I was going to have a little daughter of my own. And I won't. So in a way, I am feeling the loss of this fantasy daughter. It doesn't take away from my happiness over the boys, but it does change it slightly. I'll never help a daughter shop for a prom dress or help her decide which shoes look best with it. That's okay, but I do feel sad about it. Of course, I'll never have to pay for a wedding either, so there's that.

Third--what the heck are we going to name these two little guys????

How she sets her own record for rapid fire posting...

So I wanted a little snack and decided cheese sounded good. Cheese on crackers, yum, that sounds good.

What goes well with cheese and doesn't contain alcohol?

Apple juice!!!! Yum, that sounds good!

Sit back on the recliner, drink my apple juice, eat some cheese. Yum. Drink some more apple juice, because its sweet and satisfying. Yum.


Hey you in there!!! Its a bladder, not a punching bag!!!

:(

Oh my aching feet!

I started a new temp job today--was told by the temp agency "closed toed shoes." Well, the only black shoes I have that have closed toes are my bitchin' black pumps. With the 3 inch heel. Oh dear god. I haven't worn heels in AGES. My poor feet! Torture!

I had to schlepp back and forth from my cube to a file room all day, files in hand, precariously teetering on my big tall heels with my big huge belly.

In other news, Hankums is healthy.

Well, okay, he still hurts but nothing is broken, malformed, or malfunctioning. He just has some growing pains. So he's back on the meds to manage the pain until he feels better. He could have trouble for most of the next year, but by next summer, his bones should be full sized, so he shouldn't hurt anymore. And the meds will only cost $100 a month until then. :(

Cry Baby

19 weeks today! I'm more than halfway to the full-term mark for twins (36 weeks) and a bit on the emotional rollercoaster.

Given--there was a full moon earlier this week (I conceived on the day of the full moon a few months ago) and full moons make ya crazy.

Given--its been a weird week.

But goodness I am crying over the silliest stuff! And the not so silly stuff. It will be such a relief to have this week over with (heh, a recurrent theme this week in my blog).

Hank is headed to the orthopedist today for a neurological evaluation. They may sedate him, so they asked me not to give him any food after 10:30 last night. I cried this morning when I couldn't feed him his breakfast. He wasn't happy about it either. His appointment is not until 11:15, but I am planning to give him a nice big meal just as soon as the doc says its okay. And I REALLY hope they give the poor buddy some stronger painkillers than the anti-inflammatories he's been on. (which they made me stop giving him yesterday, so he's hurting too.)

Is it Saturday YET?

Weird week for me already and its only Wednesday. Last Friday, Mark got a call from one of his co-workers who had purchased a 93 300D dirt cheap and started to fix it up, only to weary of the process (and the outflow of $$) pretty quickly. Since his goal was simply to make some money off the car, he called Mark to offer the car to him. Mark paid him about $2000 more than he had paid for it, and now we have another Mercedes.

Monday morning I took my Mercedes, sans fenders, sans headlights, sans bumper, to an appointment at a body shop, where I was treated pretty rudely (honestly, who is rude to a pregnant woman? what kind of person would be like that???). This body shop was all the way across atlanta, the appointment was at 9 am, and it took me 2 hours to get there. Needless to say, I was pretty ticked off when I left there. I called the second body shop to ask them a few questions before I went over there, and they were very nice on the phone, so, having a good feeling about them, I drove out to Marietta (closer to where I live) and brought the car to them to get an estimate. They made an appointment to do some more measurements on the car before they could quote it, and they were incredibly nice to me. I left feeling much happier.

I decided since traffic was light, I would take the car home on the highway. I had gone maybe 2-3 miles when I started hearing a loud noise. I pulled over and got Mark on the phone. He suggested that it might be one of the fans, and had me turn off the A/C. This didn't help. So now I'm driving, slowly, up back roads towards home, and the noise is getting much much worse. Finally I pull over, call Mark again, pop the hood (everything looks fine) look around the wheels/tires, then crawl under the car a little bit (picture a pregnant woman on her back under her car on the side of the road--yeah, I wasn't laughing either), there I discover that the belly pan is hanging loose. Relief! Its nothing dangerous! The car is not going to explode, implode, or fall apart as I drive down the road! Thank goodness! But I still drive very carefully home, because I don't want to lose the belly pan altogether--it may just be a piece of plastic, but its a Mercedes piece of plastic, so it ain't cheap.

So it is determined at this point that I will NOT be driving my Mercedes to Hilton Head this weekend. However, Mark did just buy another 300D, so I will be driving that. I get home and I'm plagued by somewhat frequent Braxton Hicks contractions the rest of the day. They aren't painful, but too many can be a sign of pre-term labor, so I had to concentrate on counting them, which is a little nerve wracking.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I go to the tag office and transfer the tag on my little miata to the new Mercedes. Bye, Miata! I won't miss driving you in Atlanta traffic! I get home and decide to get the house in order before I leave for my trip. I cleaned the kitchen and the living room, and the formal dining room. I finish all that and realize--I haven't felt the jumping beans move ALL DAY. So I sit down on the recliner to rest a bit and they start moving and kicking. Relief.

So now its wednesday, I've had two busy days, a bunch of BH contractions, car uncertainty, a "decrease in fetal movement" and just thinking about the week so far makes me tired! I am ready to go to Hilton Head and have a vacation for a few days. I need it!

If we have two boys...

...I am in so much trouble.

We can't name boys. We just can't do it. I went through the baby name book and wrote down every single name that I would even remotely consider naming my child, and Mark said "no way" to all of them.

With some insistence on my part, we could probably come up with one name...but two?

However, we do have two girls names picked out, so if we have two girls, they have names. If we have only one girl, she has a name.

But our hypothetical boys are nameless. :(

Board Game Inspector

Gotta love pregnant dreams.

Last night I dreamed we were living in Charlotte, NC, with my parents. (why I didn't wake screaming at this point is a mystery). In my dream, I worked at a company very much like wal-mart, except it was located in one of the Microsoft buildings off of Arrowood blvd.

My title was "Board Game Inspector." Which at first, sounds a little like a QC job, but really, it was much cooler than that. In my dream, I went to people's houses and inspected their board games and performed board game maintenance as necessary. (There was also swimming involved, but that part of the dream is a little nebulous now.) Right before I woke up this morning, I was inspecting an ancient board game called "Quist" that belonged to an old man, and it was basically two pieces of wood with grooves cut into them in complex patterns. It smelled bad because it was so old. The placement of holes in the patterns stood for cards, like the queen of hearts, and some kind of pins were used to mark your "Hand". One board was on top of the other with the pins going through, so you were playing both a visible and an invisibile "hand."

I woke up with the smell of the game in my nostrils. Old felt and wood.

Sleepless nights suck.

*sigh*

Hank hurt himself. I'm not sure how or where hor how badly, but he's been crying and yelping and whimpering since yesterday morning. The emergency clinic said he didn't sound critical and to keep an eye on him and get him to our regular vet today.

I was so worried about him that I spent the night on the couch a few feet from his kennel instead of in my own bed. He tossed and turned and cried all night, so I didn't get much sleep either. I'm glad I stayed with him though because I woke up to a face full of dog kisses this morning and he seemed so glad that I was there, I couldn't help but be glad I was too.

Now I'm waiting for the vet to open so that we can see if we can make my credit card cry.

feelgood/feelbad friday

I was feeling good, and I mean, GOOD all day. Something about knowing the weekend would be here tomorrow, and that we had no plans other than to spend it together makes me feel good.

And then, about 20 minutes ago, it started raining. I new it was coming and tried to get the dogs fed and out before it started, but no sooner had I clipped the leash to Hank when the sky opened up. The thunder was loud enough to scare the dogs and I had to stand out in the rain with them one at a time to make sure they went, but all three of them are majorly freaked out. My dress is soggy, my hair (which I actually washed and blew out today) is a mess, and all of a sudden I feel exhausted.

Rain, rain go away, come again on Monday. :(

knock knock...

I feel like someone is knocking on the inside of my uterus!

Weight gain, finally!!!!

I've started drinking the Boost High protein drinks (one per day) in order to get some extra calories into my diet, and wouldn't you know it, I've finally put on a couple of lbs in the past week! Yay!

While two lbs is nothing to get super excited about, it is weight gain, and that's good. I am still down 8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, but confident I'll start gaining that back soon.

My belly is even huger (like that's a real word) than last week. I'm going to wait until thursday (when I'm officially 17 weeks) before I take another picture, but my fundus feels like its about halfway between my belly button and the bottom of my rib cage. The beans are slightly larger than avocados now, and will double in size by week 20 when I have my anatomy scan ultrasound. That's a lot of growing between now and then!

I would have thought it too early for this, but I am contemplating pulling the drawstring out of my maternity jeans.

Trying to decide about 3d/4d ultrasound. If I want to do one and get both twinkies in the same image, I'll have to do it within the next week. However, they implanted so far away from each other in the womb, that might not be possible anyway (no tech has been able to get them both together since 6 weeks, when they were just little blurs on the screen anyway). So I think I might do a 3d scan later in pregnancy to get a look at their faces. The 3d ultrasound place won't do one for twins after 27 weeks because there isn't enough room in there, so I have about ten weeks to decide if I want to do one.

Looking ahead to my annual Hilton Head trip in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see my girlfriends and hang out for a weekend. Mark promises that my mercedes will be back in working order by then, so it will hopefully be a pretty comfortable trip. :)

Pt. desires primary caesarean section

Judge away.

After doing a fair amount of research on the internet on statistics of vaginal birth versus c-section birth in twin pregnancies, I decided on a c-section. The numbers are, frankly, astounding. Of the 30 or so percent of twin pregnancies that are allowed to attempt vaginal birth, more than half are completed via c-section. After reading that, the deal was sealed for me. There is no way in hades that I am going through labor, delivering vaginally, getting the post-vaginal-birth-hemmorrhoids, various degrees of tearing, etc. only to follow that up with emergency abdominal surgery.

That's not my idea of an overwhelmingly joyful birth experience.

Let's be clear: I've known from the beginning that there would be no home birth in the bathtub (first of all, not my thing, second of all, too risky). I have also known from the beginning that twin births are very complex--in addition to there being two babies, there are two umbilical cords, two placentas, etc. Any of those things needs to be watched carefully during any vaginal birth. With twice as many of everything, there are twice as many chances for a risky outcome.

Does vanity play into my decision? Well, sure. I'm fond enough of my rear that I don't care to see it even temporarily inconvenienced by hemorrhoids. Yeah, it sounds silly when you put it that way doesn't it? These aren't body parts about which a person is typically "vain." And no, I won't be opting for a tummy tuck "while they're in there anyway." I'm an active fit individual--my abs will come back (or not) when I can resume my previous levels of activity. No need to hurry things along.

my position is: if I'm gonna have a c-section anyway, I might as well plan it, make it as comfortable and serene a process as possible. I don't want to hear the word "emergency" while I'm giving birth. I want the doctors to communicate with me the whole time. I don't want them turning to each other and making decisions under stress.

I explained this all to the midwife at my last appointment. She patted my hand and she said "I've given birth vaginally twice. I've been birthing babies for over a decade. I've seen it all. And I can tell you right now, if I were you, I'd do the same thing. Good for you for making a mature decision."

And then she wrote it in my chart. "Pt. desires primary c-section"

and I feel relieved.

Belly progress Report

bigger...and bigger...

16 weeks--that means only about 20 weeks to go!

16 weeks

Doc says everything is good. No need for an ultrasound today. While saddened that I didn't get to see the beans today, I am, of course, glad there was no medical reason to have to look at them. (with two "problem" ultrasounds under my belt already, I don't need anything else to worry about!) My urine was negative for protein and sugar, and I've stopped losing weight (though I haven't gained any of it back yet).


When my babies dance, it feels like a cross between bad gas and the sinking feeling you get in your stomach when riding a high speed elevator.

For two feelings so unpleasant on their own, they sure are fun together.


The level II anatomy scan is scheduled for September 7th, so we should find out the babies' genders at that time, provided they play along. :)

Two days until my 16 week appt! I'm getting nervous, but also excited. I really hope they do an ultrasound!!! How great would it be to find out the genders this week????

I'm also being a total slacker right now--I bought christmas stocking kits to make stockings for the kids (because there is a good chance they could be here before christmas), and I started one of them a few weeks ago, made a lot of progress, and haven't touched it in about two weeks. Eek!!! I'm not the fasted cross-stitcher to begin with, and there is a lot left to do on it. I'd like to have it finished by the end of this month, then I can start the next one sometime in September, and hopefully have them both ready to go in case the beans arrive in December!

I guess these days of being a slacker are limited, so I should enjoy them while they last. :)

Belly Progress Report

Well, I'm sleeping a lot, so the jumping beans must be growing! Lots of fatigue these days, but it comes and goes in waves. I'll be good all morning, then nap all afternoon, or I'll be tired all morning and feel an energy surge later. I work it out, focusing my energy when I have it, and resting when I don't.

My 16 week appointment is this week--I'll have the AFP screening for neural tube defects, and if they do an ultrasound, there is a chance we could find out the genders of the babies. I hope we have an ultrasound, because I'd love to see them jumping around again, especially now that I can feel it too!

No more belly piercing...

It's out. And man, my belly button feels good. :) It was sooooo itchy, I finally just gave in and took it out. I'm glad I did.

30

well, here it is.

I'm thirty years old, and trying to work out how I feel about it so I can write something profound and meaningful, a nice adieu to my twenties.

But you know, I don't really feel like saying adieu to anything. I think instead of sayin adieu, I will pack my twenties away in the acid-free paper area of my brain, and save them to take out later and look at when I'm feeling nostalgic.

No grand gestures for this one. On the eve of my twentieth birthday, I got tattooed as a goodbye to my teen years. Ten years later, I have nothing to say to my twenties except "it's been fun." And it has. I got married, I got pregnant, I learned to cook, I I ate a lot of good food and drank a lot of good wine, I learned to wakeboard, and I ran three marathons and I made some wonderful friends.

And my thirties are going to be even better.

Party in the womb!

Last night I felt more movement at once than I have felt so far. It tickled and rumbled and tumbled and made me laugh out loud! It was the greatest feeling in the world. Mark came over and pressed on my belly and they either moved away from the outside, or they got shy, because they stopped after that. I can't wait until next time they do this!

They are my living children

Mark and I had an argument last night, the first in a long time.

I started it. (I always do, it seems). Of course, I accused him of starting it, and that's when it escalated. What it all came down to though, when we sat down to discuss things rationally, was that we are both really afraid.

For me, the babies are here, they are real, I can feel them moving inside me, I can see my body changing. They aren't a coming attraction that's four months away, they are my living children. They are a presence in my life as real to me (in some ways, more real) as any other person. Naturally, my life is changing as a result of this presence--my eating choices, my clothing choices, and the big one, the choices of what to spend money on when.

For Mark they are still an abstraction--an obsession of mine that he doesn't understand or relate to. He sees them as part of the future, not part of the present. For this reason, he doesn't change his current behavior and habits because it doesn't matter yet.

But it matters to me, and I think while he doesn't understand why now, he understands that it does. I just have to hope he'll understand why eventually. I feel drained and worked up all at the same time. I hate arguing with him.

Love is easy, why can't marriage be easy too?

Up and out!

A couple of days ago I was plagued with severe pain on my left side, right along the hip bone. Not only was it painful to sit, stand, lie down, etc. but it was also very tender to the touch and felt almost bruised. I called the doctor's office in worry, and they told me to relax and suggested tylenol, a warm bath, and walking around.

That feeling, which went away after a tylenol, a warm bath, a trip to target, and a nap, was my uterus freeing itself from my pelvis. It's now up in my abdominal cavity, sticking all out front! I'm much, much more comfortable now in the lower part of my body--at least until it fills up all the room up top and starts moving down again! :)

Only a pregnant woman...

Carries a laundry basket upstairs, sets it on the bed to start sorting it, climbs into bed next to it, and sleeps for 4 hours, wakes up, looks around in confusion, and decides to go back to sleep rather than put the laundry away.

The clothes make the woman

I don't have to tell any woman who has been pregnant of the sour taste that fills your mouth when you see this in the mirror:

Since your pants no longer fit, you pull on a pair of sweats, or yoga pants. Since the idea of wearing a thong is anathema to you, and your now bulging ass no longer fits in your pre-pregnancy underwear, your VPL becomes something between comedy and obscenity.

You hastily switch to a pair of maternity pants, but since they don't fit right, they fall down the first time you sit down and you know you can't wear them out of the house. So, the tragi-porni-comic yoga pants return.

Next you pull on a t-shirt. An old sorority shirt, or a race t-shirt. It's long enough to cover your waistband, but not your rear, especially since your somewhat bulging (but not yet obviously pregnant) belly is pulling it forward. You flinch at the sight of what appear to be love handles (though you know it is merely your abdomen accomodating your swelling uterus) as you inspect the view from the side.

No force on earth could make you desperate enough to inspect the view from the rear.

You give a last, longing glance to your dainty high heels, knowing that if they could speak, they'd berate you for even imagining pairing them with the slovenly yoga-pants and t-shirt combo. Then you reach for your flip-flops, once a favorite pair of weekend shoes, now your apparent jailors. They seem to grin up at you, saying, of course you picked me, with my stains from your dirty feet and my soles chewed by your puppy. You had to pick me, you had no choice.

You reach for your purse--no, it doesn't match your flip flops, and you are beyond caring. The tubby stranger in the mirror is not the real you.

So stop wearing her clothes, get your ass to the mall and buy some cute maternity clothes that actually fit. Don't be afraid to buy maternity underwear and a pair of jeans that reminds you of your pre-pregnancy days. While you're at it, skip the t-shirts and buy some stylish, feminine maternity blouses, be they the earth-mother type, or the career-girl type, they will make you feel so much better about yourself, and you deserve this much.

You've dealt with nausea, constipation, hemmorrhoids, varicose veins (only more of those in the future, duckie), splitting headaches, food aversions, food cravings, and cramps that would make your period feel like summer vacation. You deserve to look pretty, you know. You owe it to your body, which is working incredibly hard to produce new life, and you owe it to your spirit, and more than anything, you owe it to the woman you were before you got yourself knocked up. She'll never be the same, but she's still in there, and she'd like to see you taking care of yourself.

Every minute is a milestone

Today I officially entered the second trimester. (if we want to be exact about conception times/dates, about 25 minutes ago!)

Of course, this is a huge milestone, and one I am so thankful to have reached feeling relatively good.

But sometimes we focus so much on these big milestones, that we forget that there is a new one every minute. Every minute I am a minute more pregnant than I was the minute before. Every minute has been longer since I threw up. Every minute is one more minute closer to bringing my jumping beans home.

While I want to enjoy being pregnant, I am so filled with anticipation--I really cannot wait to bring the beans home. I look forward to holding them in my arms, and teaching them how to be good little people, and watching them grow. I can't wait until they have names, and a birthday, and familiar little faces. I can't wait to see if their eyes will be blue or green.

I don't want to wish away my milestones, and I want to appreciate every moment, but I am so impatient!

Pregnancy Induced Hysteria

Sigh.

I thought perhaps, as I was so mild-mannered in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, that this pregnancy symptom had, in fact, skipped me over. After all, I had the nausea, the fatigue, the porn-star boobs, etc.

But the past two days have given new meaning to the phrase "laugh until you cry."

It can happen when I'm reading a funny book--I come across something that ickles my funny bone, I have a little giggle, and then 'm reaching for the kleenex. This is not laughing so hard that tears stream out my eyes--rather, it's I can't enjoy a little humor without getting all emotional about it.

It can happen while watching comedy on TV. Who knew that Entourage was such a tear jerker? But when Johnny Drama smoked a little weed and got himself a case of the fear, I got a little case of the giggle-tears.

But the worst is when I'm reading or watching something sad. And I start laughing. This has yet to happen in public, but I am sure I will be mortified when it does. Eventually the laughter subsides to tears, but by then I will have guffawed in the middle of something that was supposed to be heart-wrenching, and everyone will look at me like I'm some kind of freak.

"But I'm pregnant" seems kind of lame when you've just reached the part of the half-bood prince where Dumbledore dies, and you can't stop giggling. Thank goodness that one hasn't come out as a movie yet, but perhaps I should put off seeing Order of the Phoenix until after the jumping beans arrive, or at least until I can wach in the privacy of my own home--after all, that one has some heart-wrenchers too, and I don't want to be caught chortling at an inappropriate moment in a movie theater full of children.

I felt someone move today!

There have been times before where I thought I felt something, but wasn't sure. This time, I am 99% positive that what I felt was a baby moving!

I was sitting on the recliner, with my hand over baby B. I rubbed my belly slightly (something I do all the time now) and felt a little bump, bump! inside (not on my hand, but inside under my hand) in response. I tried to do it again, but nothing happened. What a cool feeling though! My little one responding to my touch!

Of course... it could have been gas...

12 weeks, babies!

Depending upon the calendar you choose, this is either the last week of my first trimester, or the first week of my second trimester. Either way, its a milestone I am absolutely thrilled to reach! I'm here, I'm healthy, my babies are healthy, and I couldn't ask for more.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that the morning sickness is gone. gone, I can't believe it! For the past three days, I've been able to eat and drink without fear! This means one thing: the little jumping beans have started using their placentas to produce the hormones they need, which means my body is not responsible for producing the massive quantities of hCG, estrogen, and progesterone that cause the morning sickness.

Now, if only there were a solution for pregnancy induced amnesia, pregnancy induced anxiety, and pregnancy induced clumsiness. Ah well, even those things are tolerable when you aren't throwing up anymore!

Pregnancyis scary!

Yesterday at 3:30pm, I had what i thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. My uterus got tight, and I was uncomfortable, but I wouldn't have described it as painful. Over the next 2 hours, they started coming on hard, every 2-3 minutes, and painful, like menstrual cramps. They would take my breath away. I called my OB and they sent me immediately to the ER.

Blood and urine revealed no infection. Thorough transvaginal and abdominal ultrasounds revealed no underlying cause of contraction or pain. My cervix was closed. Both little jumping beans were somersaulting and dancing around, making it difficult for the tech to catch their heartbeats, but eventually it was determined that baby A's heartbeat was 154 and baby B's heartbeat was 169. Both appeared healthy and active. My uterus contracted once while the ultrasound was in progress, but no cause was determined. I was well hydrated, and healthy.

I spent four hours in the ER for pain of indeterminate cause, I still don't have any answers for why I was contracting, but I do have reassurances that the jumping beans are healthy. I go back to the doc for a quick peek at everything on friday.

Pregnancy is scary, but scariest of all is the not knowing, and having no control over what's happening.

Everything Changes

Another example of how everything changes when you're pregnant:

Typically, I like to lie down when I read, on the floor, on my stomach, facing the light source, which typically in the mornings is the large east-facing window in the reading room. Petra usually sleeps on the chair while I read.

Lately, laying on my stomach has become uncomfortable, unless I want to actively feel the babies, which I'll admit, sometimes I do. Unfortunately, my bladder and my stomach don't care for the position, so I can only lay that way for a few minutes at a time.

So I've taken to sitting against the arm of the couch, which is not as relaxing for me, but more comfortable overall--for me. Poor Petra, however, cannot seem to understand that it's okay for her to be "at ease" if I am sitting up, so now I read with her undivided attention on me.

Everything changes.

By the way, this is my 100th post to this blog. I never thought I'd still be posting 100 posts later, but here I am. Another milestone for me: 3 years ago today, I ran my first marathon, an event that changed me in many ways--taught me humility, and taught me to be proud of my accomplishments, all at once. It somehow seemed fitting that change be the subject not just of today's blog post, but also of the self portrait I took for the 365 days project on flickr, so I decided to make this post my flickr post and vice versa.

Jealous

In a way, I am jealous of all those women pregnant with singletons with their little bitty bumps. The ones who, at 18 weeks, look like I looked at 8 weeks.

I feel like I haven't had much time to adjust to the changes in my body, and my body hasn't had much time to adjust either. I go through periods where I feel so stretched and sore--and all I've done is lay on the couch all day! Whereas these women are running and going to the gym and not even showing yet!

I am enjoying being pregnant, and enjoying watching my body change, but I'm starting to think I shouldn't look at pictures of other pregnant women. Or, if I do, I shouldn't look at how far along they are. And if they have just a tiny little bump at 20 weeks, I'll just think "aw, how cute, she just found out!"

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Decided to do a series of first trimester portraits today, set up a mini studio in the room which will eventually be the nursery. I plan to do another series before the end of the second tri, and a last series in the third tri, before the birth.

I need to start working on my birth plan--the OB is encouraging C section, though cautiously saying if both babies are head down, I'll be allowed to attempt a vaginal birth. There is so much to consider--do I want a tubal ligation while they are in there, knowing I will still have to take birth control pills to regulate my PCOS after the jumping beans arrive? If one or both of the beans is male, do we want to circumcise? (I say no, Mark says yes). If I do attempt vaginal birth, will I want an epidural (I'm thinking heck yeah! Narcotics, legally, I wouldn't miss it!)

So much to think about...

Both babies doing GREAT!

Had an ultrasound today at 11 weeks, 1 day. Both babies are measuring a couple of days ahead of schedule and looking fantastic, with strong heartbeats and waving limbs. Baby A is the hyperactive one, while Baby B was contemplating hir toes. :)

I was able to relax quite a bit after seeing them dance and wriggle, punch and kick.

And, according to the OB--my uterus is "huge". :D

Boo for insurance companies

My Insurance company has decided that I've had enough Zofran. The pharmacist called and argued with them (he's so sweet!) but they refused to cover it anymore, so I am facing the morning sickness on my own again.

I feel pretty yucky this morning, but I am sipping on a cold caffeine-free coke hoping to bring my blood sugar up and my nausea down.

Boo insurance, boo. :(

She's a Yummy Mummy and We Love Her!

The antics of Becky Brandon (née Bloomwood) and her bank overdraft have been a source of guilty pleasure for several years now. Becky is the heroine of Sophie Kinsella's Chick-Lit "Shopaholic" books, which are silly, indulgent, and downright hilarious. Confessions of a Shopaholic remains one of my favorite giggle-fests in the world.

Kinsella's latest book is called 'Shopaholic and Baby" and as you can imagine, it is just what this expectant mother needed to put the whole baby-mania in perspective. Having seen the disastrous effects of letting Becky loose on the poor, unsuspecting baby industry, I can now plan for the arrival of my own little ones with a little more sanity.

No, its not great literature, but Becky is a Yummy Mummy and We Love Her!

Naming children

About 3 1/2 months ago, we went to Chicago and picked up Hank, our English Mastiff puppy. It took us two months before we went to get him to name him. Knowing my husband stresses over names, I decided to start early with the kids.

I gave him two lists of twenty names last night. He narrowed them down considerably, and I may have to go hunting for more names. However, I think we may have a girl close to picked out. We want to pick out one girl name and one boy name, and then if the twins turn out to be the same sex, we can use the runner up for either.

6 months to go. Please let my babies have names by then!

Parenthood

Holy crap.

6 months from now, I'm going to be somebody's mom. Make that two somebodies. Every once in awhile it hits me and scares the crap outta me.

I know everything will be just fine, but the logistics of getting everything done between now and then are terrifying. Preparing my house is one thing, preparing my body, well that's pretty much taking care of itself, but preparing my life? Preparing my spirit? Those are something else altogether.

I tell myself I don't want to be the kind of parent who insists that her children parrot her every word and thought. I want them to think on their own, be inspired by the things that matter to them--not those that matter to me.

"You can give them your love but not your thoughts, for they'll have their own thoughts" Kahlil Gibran

I want to be the kind of parent who encourages her children to dream big, act big, learn big, and do big.

"we should all keep pretending that our dreams are patent-pending"Jason Mraz

I want to be the kind of parent who when the kid grows up, they look back on their childhood and says "My mom let me...and that made me who I am today" I don't want to be the mom whose kid grows up to say "i never did...because mom never let me..."

I want my babies to grow up knowing that each moment and each day of their lives is as precious to me as my own. I want to give so much value to the minutes and the hours of their days that they feel rich with time.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"Mary Oliver

Little ones, I'm waiting for you. This time of gathering and reflection is deepening my life for you, opening the doors that you'll need to come through when you get here. Grow, be bold and self assured, I'll be waiting.

30 days left in my 20s

How will it feel to be thirty, 15 weeks pregnant?

When I turned 29, I had recently moved to a new city and I was about to be diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. I was sad, alone, and feeling very turbulent. How dare age and infertility come swooping in on me at once, attacking my fragile sense of self struggling to make a new city home? I wanted desperately to have a baby before I turned 30, and I clung to the hope that I would get pregnant within the next few months, to make that desperate wish a reality.

As month after month slipped by--in september, I was diagnosed. In October, I said "F this, I'm running a marathon." In November we celebrated Mark's birthday and I had seven false positive pregnancy tests (I never bought that brand again). In December, I realized I would not have a baby by 30, and I cried, for wasting time in my twenties. I cried because I felt like time was slipping away from me faster than I could seize the moments to really live them, I was too obsessed with trying to find hope in bleak circumstances.

In January I stopped crying and I went to the RE.

In February, I allowed them to inject me with radiactive dye.

In March, I learned how to give myself injections.

In April, I decided that it was over. I was done. This was the last cycle, the last time I would literally inject my paycheck into the fleshy skin below my belly button. I thought of the children I couldn't have, with their blond hair and blue eyes like my husband, or green eyes like me. I planned how I would get over these little phantom babies, and I started researching fall marathons and thinking about a trip to the wine store. I stopped trying to bargain with God, because let's face it, God never believes us when we say "If you will give me just this one thing..." Instead, I sat back and said "I can't control this, and I don't want to try anymore."

In May, I was pregnant. I was disbelieving--I had plans now that I could gladly set aside. I was afraid and overjoyed and thankful all at once. And then, I found out that I am carrying twins.

In June, I saw and heard my babies' hearts beating. When I heard the sound like horses galloping, I began to breathe again.

And now its July, and I can ponder how I spent my last year of my twenties before August slips in and seals this decade forever in memory, never to be touched or dipped into except with nostalgia. It was a painful, heartbreaking year. But it was the year with the most hope, the most joy, the most faith, I have ever felt.

Would I live it again? I was strong enough to live it once. But once was enough. Bring on 30.

Last night I dreamed of roses

In my dream, I crossed the street to smell roses planted by my neighbor's mailbox. When I turned around, I saw that I had roses planted by my mailbox also.

My roses were low to the ground, covering it like dianthus. They looked lovely, peach-colored and covered with dew. I thought for just a moment "but roses don't grow on the ground!" but there they were, opening towards the sky like fragrant cabbages.

I ran to get my camera, the scent strong in my nose, and then I woke up.

BellyMonster

Oh god, it's huge.

I miss running

I don't miss chardonnay, or epoisses, or sashimi like I thought I would.

Instead, I miss running. I miss the early morning runs, in the half light, before the heat creeps into the world. I miss having a training schedule stuck to the fridge with magnets, and drawing an 'X" through every run once complete. I miss the way my muscles sing to me after a tough workout when they are tired, worn down, but happy.

My body is on a different journey now, with some very foreign-feeling stuff happening to it. Its a training schedule of a different fashion--and there is discomfort and hard work aplenty! The rewards will be worth the sacrifices. But on a warm summer morning, in the half light, I sniff the air like a dog and wonder.

So darned tired.

First trimester fatigue is no myth! The past three weeks have featured two visits from out of town guests, a trip out of town, and the purchase of a new car. (Mama's first Mercedes)

I am exhausted. I just want to sleep for the next 6 months!

I look about 14 weeks pregnant now, though I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow. Hope to have a belly progress report soon, but I'm too tired to clean the mirror in the bathroom right now.

Only 3 more weeks in the First Tri!

How Zofran changed my life

Dang, that stuff is so good, I want to name one of the beans after it! :D

My OB prescibed Zofran for my morning sickness. Its expensive, but insurance covers it (thank goodness--generic costs $25 a pill without insurance). And that stuff is a miracle. I feel a thousand times better. Although, without nausea to take my mind off it, I'm starting to notice how friggin' tired I am! I'd rather be tired than puking any day. I finally feel like I can enjoy being pregnant. There is still a lot of anxiety involved with getting my life and home ready for twins, but it is lessened so much by simply feeling better.

Right about now the placentas should be starting to take over hormone production, so I should be noticing a decline in symptoms over the next 3-4 weeks. By 12-13 weeks, most early symptoms should be gone!

7 weeks, 3 days: Belly progress report!

Not hugely different from last week, but I'm starting to see a thickening around the waist in addition to the ever expanding belly bulge. I've switched to yoga pants and bought some maternity jeans the other day. I think I look (and feel) about 5 weeks further along than I am.

7 weeks!!!

Wow, it's 7 weeks already! I had my last RE appointment today, complete with hugs from the office staff. I'll see them one more time when I pick up my records before my OB appointment next week.

I saw both beans on the ultrasound again, baby b was hiding behind baby a. I heard both heartbeats loud and clear at about 140 bpm. Wow, do I love that noise. :)

I'm looking forward to seeing a regular OB from now on--so relieved that after everything it took to get pregnant, I've gotten the all clear to move on to a normal pregnancy.

6 week, 2 day belly bump

6 weeks 2 days-- things are definitely starting to spread out down in the belly region. My jeans won't button comfortably, and I can't "suck it in." Looks like I'll be wearing maternity clothes sooner than originally planned.

I just want to eat something...

...without feeling like I'm going to throw up.

Carbs are the enemy. Liquids are my friend--most of the time. Anything with a strong odor is out of the question. And cooking? Heh, forget that shit. Its not happening.

Yet, I'm ravenously hungry 24/7. I get up in the middle of the night, starving, and eat one of the jello cups I've stashed in the bathroom for secret midnight eating, and then puke it back up a half hour later.

This is far and away the suckiest part of being pregnant so far.

Yesterday

Yesterday was both the most exciting day and the scariest night of my life.

At the ultrasound, we saw the heartbeats of our two little beans. That's right folks, it's twins!!! After walking on cloud nine all day, I came home and started bleeding. After a frantic phone call to the doctor (who reassured me that it was probably fine and told me to stop by in the morning for another quick ultrasound) I found myself unable to sleep. Racked with morning-noon-and-night-sickness as well as nerves, I spent about half the night on the bathroom floor.

But this morning I went to the doctor and had another ultrasound and both beans are doing great. Strong heartbeats!

So, I'm taking it easy this weekend, trying not to do too much. Enjoying that I have an excuse for the premature growth of my belly. :)

morning sickness and dizzy spells

So now it begins in earnest--the pregnancy side effects have swooped in this week. I have to be cautious standing up, so I don't get dizzy, and despite my best efforts to eat every 1.5-2 hours, I have been fighting back nausea since yesterday. So far it hasn't been too bad, but when Hank threw up on the floor, I almost joined him.

The changes in my body are making it feel slightly alien. I'm myself and not myself. These huge breasts that hurt all the time, the round little potbelly, the light-headedness, the bladder that requires constant emptying, they all conspire to make me feel as though I'm not quite myself. However, it's strangely satisfying to turn my awareness inward on life growing inside, and feel that these changes are purposeful, and the self I was is being traded in for another self, the self that is somebody's mother.

The bump has started!

a day shy of 5 weeks, and my shorts wouldn't button, I took a picture and lo and behold, the little padding I had under my belly button has rounded out and formed the start of a little bump!

Last night I dreamed...

I dreamed I went to the RE for my ultrasound, and they turned me away, even though I had an appointment, because they didn't have anyone to work the ultrasound machine.

Then it got really weird. I threw a tantrum (okay, not so weird, there) and threatened not to leave until someone showed me my baby. Then, I started talking about how I don't have a job, so I don't have anywhere better to be, and they should keep in mind that I am a college-educated woman who can't be pushed around. Then, I pulled out a textbook from my sophomore year in college entitled "how to make effective tv commercials" and said "See, I WENT to college."

There are no words to describe how ridiculous I felt when I woke up. And how relieved that I only embarrassed myself in a dream!

I don't feel pregnant today

So, after a few days of nausea and fatigue, all of a sudden I feel great. Today is the day my period would normally be due, so of course I started freaking out that this feeling great stuff means I'm going to start bleeding. I've also had some cramps today, which also gets me freaked out.

I keep re-reading the section of "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" about cramping. I know its perfectly normal, but just in case, I took another pregnancy test. For the record, this is the fourteenth pregnancy test I have taken since finding out that I was pregnant 6 days ago. The second line emerged instantly, and became as dark as the control line within just a couple of minutes.

I keep telling myself to relax, that its normal to feel good some days and bad others. Its likely that my body has gotten used to having a bit of hCG in there, and that soon enough I'll be feeling perfectly rotten again.

Besides, I still have porn boobs. That should count for something.

Why do I feel like I'm never going to relax until the kidlet graduates from college?

Appointments set

Thursday the 31st, I'll see the baby for the first time on an ultrasound. Thursday June 14th, I'll have my first OB appt!

Yay!

Oh, Finally!

Just got off the phone with the doctor--Beta is 421! More than double, very good stuff!

The anxiety is killing me

I had my second blood draw this morning and am waiting for the call from the doc with the results.

Tuesday, they called me back by 10:30 with the good news. Now, I'm panicking that the reason they haven't called me back yet (at 11:30, only an hour later) is because they have BAD news, and no one likes to make the call to give bad news.

UGH! I hate the waiting! I am so nervous. I put on a cheesy romantic comedy (a lot like love, starring ashton kutcher) to distract me. I actually really enjoy this movie, and have a little infatuation with Ashton's character, but I can't even get into it today.

Please call soon, please call soon.

beta

beta number is 172!!! Woo-hoo!

Beta scheduled for tomorrow

7:30 AM, I'll find out if the blood test confirms the pregnancy.

I've never been so excited to have blood drawn! I didn't sleep last night with worry about whether I imagined the lines were positive, etc. So I took another test this morning and it was much darker than yesterdays. And I started feeling queasy today--I really didn't imagine that would happen so soon!

I should update this with a Beta number tomorrow...

Pregnant

Happy Mother's Day to me. :)

This morning's test was clearly positive. I am not supposed to test this early, but I did anyway, so I'll be scheduling a blood test for confirmation later this week.

Mark has forbidden me to tell anyone, so this will be our little secret. :)

trigger is gone

one week post IUI, and the trigger seems to be completely out of my system.
Now the obsessive testing can begin. :)

Swollen...

I am so friggin' bloated, its not even funny. One of the side effects of the two weeks of FSH injections + trigger shot. They told me if my hands and face start swelling, to go to the ER. So far, its just my belly. It feels distended and uncomfortable. I'm not looking forward to going out on the boat tomorrow looking like this. :(

IUI Today

Did my IUI this morning. Doc says it was a "perfect cycle." Let's hope that means that next January I'll have a perfect baby! :)

Nervous

Okay, I'll admit to being a little nervous about the IUI tomorrow. While the procedure is not painful, its not exactly comfortable either. However, I'm thinking good thoughts and hoping everything goes quickly.

The aftereffects of the trigger left me feeling like I had a raging hangover this morning (morning sickness, oh boy!) and severe discomfort in my breasts. I suspect its somewhat like what people experience in the first trimester of pregnancy, but because the hormone is injected, it comes on you all at once.

Day 13 ultrasound

Surprise!

"We need to trigger you TODAY!"

Two big follicles, both over two centimeters, and uterine lining over 10mm, in the "perfect" range. This could be it! IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning.

Day 11 ultrasound

Still waiting to hear back from the doctor's office after my latest ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. This doctor identified two dominant follicles--one at 12mm and one at 11mm and said that the rest were still small, so hopefully we're good to continue the meds as is. Lining is getting thicker, so that's good.

I learned something new today: Most women have one dominant ovary from which they ovulate almost every time. For me, its my left ovary. Back when I had the HSG, my left tube was blocked. (they did clear the blockage during the process, however).

So all those months I was trying to get pregnant with a blocked left tube and I don't ovulate from the right.

Day 9 ultrasound

Today was my CD9 ultrasound and bloodwork. Three blood draws in less than a week, I'm starting to look like a junkie with all the needle marks and bruises on my arms.

There is now a single dominant follicle and three other follicles that are responding to the FSH. This is still considered acceptable, so at this point, I'm okay to go ahead and order more FSH and the trigger shot. Yay! My lining was 8.8mm, so already thicker than it was on IUI day last time, and its only CD9.

Very good news all in all.

Dosage Decrease...

8 follicles responded to the FSH.

That means, if all 8 developed to their full potential and I triggered with hcg, and all feritlized and implanted, I would have octuplets.

This is bad;

So, they are decreasing my dosage to 50 ius of FSH daily in hopes of reducing the numebr of maturing follicles to 1-3.

Triplets are an acceptable risk. Beyond that, it's a cancelled cycle.

They're here!

Mooo!
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

My little bitty mini business cards have arrived! Yay!
On the front, they feature my photography, and on the back, they say "Aimee Benson, Photography and Photo Illustration" with my contact info.

Just seeing them sort of makes it seem real. Now all I need is a website and some clients!

Ow!

Day three of Follistim injections. My poor belly! It doesn't seem to like getting shots very much. Especially today, when I'm a little bit sunburnt.

One more day of injections followed by U/S to decide whether to continue injections, coast, or cancel the cycle.

1st IUI cycle...failed

Despite the name of my blog, I am losing hope quickly. Another failed cycle, and this one came with a $1200 price tag. The next cycle is expected to cost double to triple that.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I have been so blessed in so many ways: I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly. I have three adorable dogs who keep me company and make me laugh. I have the strength of body and of will to run marathons. I can do an aerial 180 on a wakeboard. I live in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood full of light and surrounded by flowering trees in bloom. I'm starting my own business and while it scares the crap outta me, I am blessed to have the ability to chase my dreams.

Except one. I don't have the ability to conceive a child.

Don't wanna pee on a stick yet...

8 DPO. Possibly early enough to have a + HPT, but not likely. Someone, please give me the strength to hold off until at least 12 DPO!!! I don't know if I can make it 4 more days!

Tonight

+ OPK today. Woo-hoo! Mark is coming back in town after being gone since Sunday. I'm totally planning to jump his bones the minute he walks through the door.

This being our last cycle trying to conceive naturally, I am really hoping this does this trick. I just got the EOB from my HSG, and it cost $1600!!! luckily, insurance paid for it. The blood tests I had done last cycle (also covered) came to over $3000. As soon as we start an IUI cycle, nothing is covered, so I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle is the one that counts!

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

Heart
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

A.S. Byatt's "Posession" is quoted frequently throughout Audrey Niffenegger's novel, "The Time Traveler's Wife." The Time Traveler's Wife is romantic, striking, and manages to break and warm your heart all at once. After reading it, I read Posession.

Posession is beautifully written, particularly when dealing with the fleeting moments that make up a love story.

Love is not finding someone you can live with. It is finding someone you cannot live without. Life being so short and fleeting, you want to spend every moment with that person.

I am so blessed, to have Mark as my partner in this short life. We make our way together, sometimes shoving our way through the difficult parts, sometimes dancing through the joyful ones. And together, we are finding some manner of peace, and hope.

This is our last cycle of trying to conceive naturally. Beginning next cycle, I will be taking injections to be followed with an intrauterine insemination. In some ways, this knowledge has freed up our sex life to be about intimacy and love again, as opposed to being simply about procreation, which after over a year of trying to get pregnant, it had grown tired, cold. I feel like now I am rediscovering my marriage, my husband, and myself.

"This is where I have been coming to, since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." A.S. Byatt

HSG done today

I had the HSG done today. It was far more painful than I expected, however, the radiologist believes the reason it was painful was because there was an obstruction in one tube. They forced more dye through, and the obstruction came clear. My tubes are both open and everything looked good.

There's a lot of cramping, and a lot of blood, but the procedure only took a few minutes, and that's a small price to pay for some peace of mind. :)