+ OPK, preseed, and properly ordered orgasms....

My work for the evening is done. ;)

Oh goodness.

So, I'm taking clomid for the third time, and I've recently read that Clomid builds up in your system and you can still feel side effects for up to 6 months after taking it.

Well, I'm experiencing far more side effects this time than I have the last two times. Mainly an irrational lightning-quick temper. I go from sweet as pie to enraged in seconds flat. And the provocation needn't be large to unleash an absolute fury. I feel like I'm watching someone else react to the situations in which I find myself, someone I don't know and to whom I can't relate.

So bear with me if I seem a bit irrational these days, I'm working on it.

BIG temp drop

Oh thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was going to need to go on provera again. My temp was 97.0 this morning, a sure sign that today would be a good day to use my Diva Cup.

Not Pregnant

So, I'm not pregnant. I got 7 questionable tests. Each test had a second line, but the line never got darker, and when tested with another brand from the same urine sample, it was negative. I will never buy that brand of HPT again.

And so now I wait to see if my cycle will end naturally or whether I will need medical assistance again.

I feel pretty hopeless and I hate that. We did everything right this cycle, but still nothing. Its so disheartening.

Thanksgiving

Its thanksgiving, and I'm thankful.

Things for which I am thankful:

My husband and our fabulous relationship, and god-blessed marriage.
My two sweet pupstars.
Turkey and other delicious eatin's.
Good health.

Today, I am not taking anything for granted, and I am celebrating everything I have. Life is pretty great.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Ambiguity, Part Three.

I'm on the verge of calling these positive pregnancy tests. But the line is so faint, I think I am imagining it. So, I've stopped drinking alcohol--even that single glass with dinner. My fertility monitor suggests that I will start my period soon unless I am pregnant. It is day 23 of my cycle, so 5-10 days before an expected period and 13 days post-ovulatory.

Now I am regretting buying those cheap internet pregnancy tests. I'm going out and buying the digital tests if I don't start my period or get a line that is definitely not imaginary by the end of the week.

Maybe Baby

So another veeery faint line this morning that could be a positive test. I'm going to buy a couple of digitals I think. Also, some more cramping this morning that could be indicative of pregnancy. Holy shit, is this for real?

I can't begin to describe the feelings right now. Uncertainty. Fear, especially of getting my hopes up, excitement, elation. I just want to know something for sure. This "maybe its a line, maybe its your imagination" stuff has got to go.

Last night we signed the contract to buy our new house. Soon, I'll be home. :D

pregnancy tests

I took one last night that seemed like a very faint positive.

I took one this morning: definitely negative.

So, now I am going to wait a few days and test again. But my temps are way up this morning, so hopefully that's a good sign. :)

Waiting waiting waiting

In 5 days, I will take a pregnancy test.

In 2 days, I will leave for my annual Hilton Head trip.

In 1 day, I will find out whether we got the house.

All this waiting is making me anxious.

temp drop

So my temperatures dropped this morning. I'm not sure what, if anything, that means. But I'm not really optimistic about it. Of course, I'm still going to test on Monday, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

clomid depression

I'm getting that hormonal downswing that comes with Clomid cycles. 4 DPO and I feel hopeless and depressed and weepy and grumpy and angry and sad.

I even took a pregnancy test--knowing it was waaaay too soon for any HCG to show up, I was so desperate to have a reason why I am feeling this way.

Of course, looking back through this blog, I can find the exact point of the last cycle when I experienced those same feelings.

I wish my sanity would come back!!

hot flash, nausea, headache...

5 dpo is too early for preggo symptoms...So these are likely side effects from the Clomid. yuck.

Temps still up

My BBT is still up--one more high temp and its official! I changed my chart to reflect the "almost positive" LH test the day before I received the high on the FM to count as a positive, since it did actually show a surge, and now the software is saying I ovulated a day before it did based on the FM alone. We've timed everything about as well as possible. So now we wait.

I'm off to run ten miles in training for the mercedes marathon. Hopefully training for this race will keep me sane during the 2 week wait.

How soon could a test be positive?

ovulation

According to my fertility monitor and the TCOYF software, I have ovulated. My temps went up slightly this morning, so we'll see if the pattern holds.

November 24th will be 14 DPO, so I'll be able to test then.

Anyone out there reading this, cross your fingers for me.

There's an EGG!!!

There's an egg on my fertiltiy monitor!!! That means that the FM detected a surge in my LH, meaning I'm going to OVULATE!!!!

I wonder if it will show up in my regular afternoon ovulation test also? (the LH surge)

It would bre pretty hilarious if I spent $200 on the FM and got pregnant the first month using it. Too bad you can't sell used ones on ebay...

I *heart* New York

Today is the New York City Marathon. The marathon I did not enter because I was going to get pregnant before November. On my running website, we are tracking our members live by their race numbers, and I am not one of them because I thought it would be so simple to get pregnant.

Simple for other people, maybe. But not for me. And now I am running into reminders of the chances I didn't take. The dreams I pushed aside for one dream. And as much fun as the Mercedes Marathon will be, its not NYC, and NYC is where I wish I were today.

And this is the gamble we take when we try to get pregnant and are unsuccessful. We push other dreams aside and we wait, and we grow frustrated that our lives aren't as much fun as they used to be. Our lives aren't as interesting as they used to be. And, because we have nothing better to talk about, our friends and families just want to talk about "Well, when areyou going to get pregnant, anyway?"

So today, I am remembering that life isn't simple, creating life isn't simple, and living a life worth living requires an equal mixture of patience and action. Patience to allow things to happen in their given time, and action to assure that life is lived with passion and satisfaction.

Good luck, NYC Marathoners. May your feet be swift and your hearts be light.

Insulin results

I had the lab fax a copy of my insulin and glucose test results to my office (working in a doc's office has its perks!) and discovered that they are perfectly normal.

I'm NOT insulin resistant.

To which I say "Fuck the South Beach Diet, I'm having oatmeal for lunch followed by chocolate pudding for dessert!!!"

And it feels so good. :D

Day One.

A new cycle, a new hope. A lot of confusion.

I started the South Beach diet yesterday, as recommended in the book "Healing Syndrome O", in hopes of kicking any insulin resistance to the curb since my doctor won't prescribe metformin. I have to admit, I'm positively miserable. I have no energy for my runs, I'm hungry all the time, and I really just want a bowl of oatmeal or a piece of bread, or popcorn, or something!!!

I'm hoping this is just menstrual apathy, but I can't seem to find any energy or motivation to get off my ass for anything.

Two more days until I start taking the Clomid again, at double the dosage.

to be in good cheer

I am happy today. Giddy, cheerful, full of hope and silliness.

Where did that come from????

:)

Its not very unusual for me to feel happy and cheerful. I'm generally a happy go lucky girl. But this extremity of good cheer, this is different, and its very welcome. It snuck in suddenly in the night and took over. Which makes me realize even more than ever that these bouts of hormone-induced depression are fleeting, temporary, and that I should pay them no more mind than a stranger giving me the finger on the morning commute.

Alpharetta 10k report

Ran a small local 10k this morning. Not very fast, averaged 11 minute miles, but it was fun. It was raining and dark at the start and raining and a little bit brighter at the finish. But it was my first race in a really long time, and I enjoyed it. I'm definitely getting used to running on tired legs though.

Perspective

Okay, so now I at least know what's wrong with me. That is a step in the right direction. The doc has doubled the dosage on my Clomid, so hopefully that will help provoke my cysty little ovaries into giving up the goods.

If it doesn't, I'm going to ask him to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS.

I'm going to call him on monday and see if he would give me metformin or glucophage to address the insulin resistence. I mean, if we're going to load my body up with drugs, let's do this, y'know?

Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which means that there are cysts all through my ovaries which are preventing me from ovulating. They can't be removed. The only thing that can be done is more hormones in the hopes of getting me to ovulate.

Fuck.

appt. with Doc B.

Had an appointment with Doctor B. today.

He listened to what I had to say, and suggested a higher dose of Clomid for the next go round. He also drew blood and plans to test my FSH and LH levels, my beta HCG levels (just in case I'm actually pregnant and this infertility business is a product of my overactive imagination), and my thyroid levels.

But I had to tell him to test my thyroid. and he acted like we hadn't JUST talked about it a month ago.

We'll see.

rainy half day

I'm only working a half day today. I am meeting with Dr. B to discuss next steps in my treatment. Then I'm going to run three miles in the rain. Or on the treadmill. I haven't decided which yet. Ah, the joys of marathon training: deciding which is worse, running in the rain or running inside.

On a totally unrelated note, my boobages are huge this morning. I hope this is a sign that my period will start naturally and that I won't have to go the provera route again. I don't want to take any more hormones than I need to!

saddle.sore

So, yesterday I went for a 26 mile bike ride.

I've never ridden my bike outside of a parking lot before, so this was an all-new experience for me. I put on my cushiest padded-est shorts, some nice thick cycling tights, and hit the SCT!

Well, even the cushiest padded-est shorts didn't prevent saddle sores. :(

And my male riding partners couldn't understand why I was in so much pain when peeing until I explained that the way female plumbing works, the saddle sores actually happen on the inside and that there is no way to avoid hitting them with the stream. Men, coming as they do with a built-in spray gun, don't have that problem.

but I feel pretty great about my ride--I still need to work on my dismount, but my bicycle handling skills have definitely improved. wheee!

Two left feet

So I had to bag my run last night because in my haste to get ready for work I packed, yes, you guessed it, two left shoes. So today I need to redeem myself.

I also need to call Dr. B and schedule an appointment to have some tests done, since the Clomid didn't work.

more to come.

I feel great this morning!

Slept like a baby after my run last night. I feel fantastic. I have another 3 miler planned for today, I plan on running the same course. Its very convenient, especially since its a loop.

My legs feel great this morning--stiff, like marathon legs. :D

Run Report 10/10/06

3 miles. Took me right around a half hour (I couldn't figure out how to work my new stopwatch), so I'm guesstimating. I ran through Dunwoody, did a little fantasy house-shopping. It was really nice. Kind of hilly, but only three really killer hills, and even those were pretty short. It was a nice run. :)

Day one of marathon training!

Woo-hoo!

I have a 3 miler planned after work today. I'm almost giddy with excitement. I'm really looking forward to having a goal, getting back in shape, and running regularly again. I'll report back tonight. :)

Something to take my mind off it...

I just registered for the Mercedes Marathon in Birmingham, AL.

Its 18 weeks away. I have to start training tomorrow. This should keep me busy for awhile. :D

http://www.mercedesmarathon.com/marathon.htm

itchy, twitchy eyeballs

I think I have a migraine coming. My eyeballs hurt, and the light is bothering them and I feel slightly nauseous. Ugh. So not a good way to start the day.

I am drinking coke in an effort to make it go away, hoping the caffeine and sugar will make a difference. I shouldn't be drinking coke, but I don't really care at this point.

I think I'm done TTC until after the holidays. I don't want my holidays to be wracked with anxiety and disappointment. I need to talk to my doctor about whether he thinks I should continue to take the Clomid or wait until January. Now that I have made this decision, I feel okay about it. Maybe this is the first step in letting go.

Good Morning, fat ass.

Yeah, so about exercise.

Exercise has always been something I did--walking, running, working out at the gym, yoga, etc. Always, my whole life, I have been active.

Until I moved to Atlanta. Where I have sat on my ever-spreading ass for the last five months. Oh, I've gone for a few runs. I've ridden my bicycle a couple of times, and I've lifted some weights and done some yoga. But I haven't done any of it on a regular basis and it shows.

My big wake-up call was going back to work. I haven't bought any scrubs yet, so I've been wearing business attire. And none of my clothes fit. Since I spent five months sitting on my ass in yoga pants, sweats, and my uber-comfy palazzos, I didn't really notice that I was getting bigger. Not just a lack of definition that would snap right back once I got back on track, but an honestly, I can't button these pants unless I hold my breath and pinch kind of bigger.

I kept telling myself they shrank in the wash, but I can't deny it anymore. I'm getting chubby. I need to work out more.

playing in photoshop

comfort
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

So, this photo was supposed to be a sort of illustration for the blog, but it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to. Actually, it didn't turn out at all the way I wanted it to. In fact, its a little pervy. Oh well.

it's been a dark few days

Part of why I started this blog was to work through some of the isolation I have felt in recent months. However, it goes beyond that. Infertility is isolation not only from other people, but from one's own thoughts and feelings. It's a sort of forced denial, squeezing oneself into a costume that doesn't quite fit. The sad clown stereotype.

I had a breakdown this week. Or a breakthrough. I don't know quite which to call it. Shortly after my last post here, I had one of those days (it was starting around the time I posted) where I swung into a deep despair. I cried myself to sleep, lamenting to Mark that I was TIRED of having my life run by this want. I wanted my life back the way it was before I worried about my mucus or how dark the stripe would get on an OPK. But I can't let go.

One thing that threw me over the edge was a woman who called my office to schedule an appointment to speak with the doc about fertility medications. She described to me how she hadn't been ovulating, how she was using the OPKs, and how she wanted to talk to the doctor about starting a medication called clomid. Then she said "Please write that down, the drug is spelled C-L-O-M-I-D."

Yeah, thanks for the tip lady. And yet, even my irrational anger towards her is a sign of how this experience is altering my personality. While I am a little self-absorbed, it isn't much like me to be without any kindness for a suffering person. And here I was, angry at this woman for not knowing that I was dealing with the same experience, for not being able to explain that I knew how she felt. I was angry at her for feeling the same way I feel.

It's all so fucked up, this. The feeling of shame that washes over me when I see a pregnant woman. The self-loathing I feel when I look at someone else's beautiful baby. This frustration with other infertile women.

And yet, I love babies, and I am truly happy for my friends who are pregnant, and for the random pregnant strangers I see. It's myself with whom I am angry and of whom I am ashamed.

As quickly as these feelings came, they have gone, leaving me perhaps a little wasted and fatigued, as after a long illness. If anything, this has brought Mark and me closer together, as he has seen the way the experience has ravaged me, something I don't think he understood before. His strength, his hopefulness, they have brought my own strength and hope back.

I also want to recognize that these strong and volatile emotions may very well be a result of the Clomid. While I did not experience any side effects while I was taking it, my body is still responding to the hormonal changes. Clomid works on the estrogen receptors in the brain (as well as all throughout the body), and not much is known about how this effects mood.

And so this experiment continues.

Sometimes, I fear it won't work.

I might truly be infertile. And that modern medicine won't fix me.

Today is a bad day. I didn't sleep last night, I'm tired, I have to go to work, and I have to pretend that I'm not worried about the fact that its CD12 and I don't have good mucus or very much in the way of LH in my system. It certainly doesn't LOOK like I'm about to ovulate, though the doctor said I should ovulate about a week after my last clomid dose.

There is such a stigma on infertility. I've been asked several times in the last few days whether I have any children, and there is no way for me to answer that question without hurting. I pretend that I am childless by choice, otherwise I will have confessed to my new employers that I am trying to get pregnant. Not only is this pretense utterly foreign to me--I am not easily given to deceit, but it is required in order to protect myself from the "infertility" stigma. This society-imposed silence means that the only people I can really discuss this with are either other infertile women (who are often more despondent than I) or the few friends in whom I have confided about my fertility issues.

Its frustrating, this.

And I'm hoping my moodiness is just a sign that ovulation is around the corner.

Holy Cow, that smells good!

In the kitchen:

Herb stuffed chicken with boursin cheese
steamed asparagus
tomato and herb risotto

I think I'm going to swoon with all the good smells emanating from the center of my apartment. :D

I had an interview today for a temp to perm position with a medical office, very similar to what I was doing in my last job. I believe they are going to offer me the position, and I plan to take it if they offer it. Perhaps work can take off some of the stress of trying to get pregnant.

Of course, if I am successful and DO get pregnant, that will add another layer of complication to things, but I'm ready for that.

Home

We left Rock Hill this afternoon at about 5pm. Our house is sold, closed, gone.

I am greatly relieved to be done with it. Now I can start shopping for one here in Atlanta.

I have taken three doses of the clomid, and so far experienced only a handful of side effects. Dry dry mouth, and hot flashes at night. I was a little worried about some of the scary side effects I had heard about, but luckily, haven't experienced any of them.

Happy to be home.

:)

It's Clomid Day! It's Clomid Day!

So, I didn't sleep at all last night. it felt like it was about a thousand degrees in the room, I was really crampy, and Chani, my cocker spaniel, was glued to me like stink on sh*t. So I finally fell asleep about 6am and of course Mark was getting up a few minutes later to go to work. I slept until he needed to leave and then I got up to take him to work.

We fought in the car, which I feel bad about because I know I'm being a total bitch. I don't function well on lack of sleep.

But now that I'm waking up a little, I am starting to get excited about the Clomid. I know it might have some strong side effects, but right now I don't even care. I should be late enough in my cycle to take a pregnancy test on my wedding anniversary on October 18th. Wouldn't that just be the best anniversary present ever????

I need to pack all of our stuff because we are driving back to SC tonight to move everything out of the house there because WE CLOSE ON MONDAY!!!!!

Yippeee!

So much to be excited about this weekend. ROAR!

Day Two

Yesterday, I started my period. Its the first one I've had in over 105 days.

For someone who has never struggled with infertility, this may sound like the end of a good time. However, for me, it is the beginning of what will hopefully be a very good time after a very painful summer.

When I moved to Atlanta in May, I was full of hope, thinking I might be pregnant before the end of the summer. That hope faded quickly when I realized that I wasn't ovulating. When my doctor told me it was okay to skip periods every once in awhile, I grew frustrated.

At the beginning of September, I went to a new doctor and this time, he agreed with my self-diagnosis of annovulation. He prescribed Provera, a progesterone tablet, to make me have a period. I took it twice a day for five days, and then waited for five days to start my period. He also prescribed the fertility drug Clomid to make me ovulate. I will start taking it tomorrow and take it for five days. After that, I should ovulate about a week later.

I am armed with 25 ovulation predictor tests and 25 home pregnancy tests, and I am filled with hope.

Hope, so quickly after despair feels so good it almost hurts. Of course, that could just be the cramps.

I don't ever want to lose hope again.