Under no circumstances...

*warning, parental discretion advised. This post contains frank discussion of certain anatomical changes brought about by pregnancy. Yeah, THOSE changes. Cover the kiddos eyes, and if you don't want to hear about my ass, don't read any further.

So, I thought I might have hemorrhoids, a couple of weeks ago, but the certain awful sensations dissipated (or I grew accustomed to them) so I forgot about the thought that had crossed my mind..."Hey pregosaurus, you might have hemorrhoids!"

So today, I decided to do a little femmescaping. Nothing major, its not like I can see it, I just wanted to trim the hedges a bit because I had this funny thought that since my body hair has slowed in growth drastically, if I trim now, maybe I won't be jungleriffic when I deliver, and someone actually sees my bidness.

So, I mustered all my courage and got out the hand mirror and the beard trimmers and set to work. First note, at this point, I am large enough that my belly actually folds OVER my pubic hair a bit. It is damn near impossible to hold your belly up, hold a mirror, and work the trimmer at the same time. And don't think you can hold the mirror with your feet. It just does. not. work.

So, after deciding to trim that part blind, I moved on to the rest of it, which was fairly uneventful, once I figured out the mirror direction thing.

Then, as I was finishing up, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and though, "huh, what is THAT?"

Yeah, I moved the mirror. I looked. I saw.

I could have lived a long happy life without knowing what hemorrhoids look like. That image had always been somewhat vague and imaginary before. Now it is a reality burned into my brain forever, and I am horribly, terribly unnerved by it.

So, if you are pregnant, and you think you might have hemorrhoids, take my advice. Pay for a wax, or have your partner do your grooming for you. And set up a strict don't ask/don't tell policy with your partner.

And whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, hold a mirror anywhere near your pooper.