Not Pregnant

So, I'm not pregnant. I got 7 questionable tests. Each test had a second line, but the line never got darker, and when tested with another brand from the same urine sample, it was negative. I will never buy that brand of HPT again.

And so now I wait to see if my cycle will end naturally or whether I will need medical assistance again.

I feel pretty hopeless and I hate that. We did everything right this cycle, but still nothing. Its so disheartening.

Thanksgiving

Its thanksgiving, and I'm thankful.

Things for which I am thankful:

My husband and our fabulous relationship, and god-blessed marriage.
My two sweet pupstars.
Turkey and other delicious eatin's.
Good health.

Today, I am not taking anything for granted, and I am celebrating everything I have. Life is pretty great.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Ambiguity, Part Three.

I'm on the verge of calling these positive pregnancy tests. But the line is so faint, I think I am imagining it. So, I've stopped drinking alcohol--even that single glass with dinner. My fertility monitor suggests that I will start my period soon unless I am pregnant. It is day 23 of my cycle, so 5-10 days before an expected period and 13 days post-ovulatory.

Now I am regretting buying those cheap internet pregnancy tests. I'm going out and buying the digital tests if I don't start my period or get a line that is definitely not imaginary by the end of the week.

Maybe Baby

So another veeery faint line this morning that could be a positive test. I'm going to buy a couple of digitals I think. Also, some more cramping this morning that could be indicative of pregnancy. Holy shit, is this for real?

I can't begin to describe the feelings right now. Uncertainty. Fear, especially of getting my hopes up, excitement, elation. I just want to know something for sure. This "maybe its a line, maybe its your imagination" stuff has got to go.

Last night we signed the contract to buy our new house. Soon, I'll be home. :D

pregnancy tests

I took one last night that seemed like a very faint positive.

I took one this morning: definitely negative.

So, now I am going to wait a few days and test again. But my temps are way up this morning, so hopefully that's a good sign. :)

Waiting waiting waiting

In 5 days, I will take a pregnancy test.

In 2 days, I will leave for my annual Hilton Head trip.

In 1 day, I will find out whether we got the house.

All this waiting is making me anxious.

temp drop

So my temperatures dropped this morning. I'm not sure what, if anything, that means. But I'm not really optimistic about it. Of course, I'm still going to test on Monday, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

clomid depression

I'm getting that hormonal downswing that comes with Clomid cycles. 4 DPO and I feel hopeless and depressed and weepy and grumpy and angry and sad.

I even took a pregnancy test--knowing it was waaaay too soon for any HCG to show up, I was so desperate to have a reason why I am feeling this way.

Of course, looking back through this blog, I can find the exact point of the last cycle when I experienced those same feelings.

I wish my sanity would come back!!

hot flash, nausea, headache...

5 dpo is too early for preggo symptoms...So these are likely side effects from the Clomid. yuck.

Temps still up

My BBT is still up--one more high temp and its official! I changed my chart to reflect the "almost positive" LH test the day before I received the high on the FM to count as a positive, since it did actually show a surge, and now the software is saying I ovulated a day before it did based on the FM alone. We've timed everything about as well as possible. So now we wait.

I'm off to run ten miles in training for the mercedes marathon. Hopefully training for this race will keep me sane during the 2 week wait.

How soon could a test be positive?

ovulation

According to my fertility monitor and the TCOYF software, I have ovulated. My temps went up slightly this morning, so we'll see if the pattern holds.

November 24th will be 14 DPO, so I'll be able to test then.

Anyone out there reading this, cross your fingers for me.

There's an EGG!!!

There's an egg on my fertiltiy monitor!!! That means that the FM detected a surge in my LH, meaning I'm going to OVULATE!!!!

I wonder if it will show up in my regular afternoon ovulation test also? (the LH surge)

It would bre pretty hilarious if I spent $200 on the FM and got pregnant the first month using it. Too bad you can't sell used ones on ebay...

I *heart* New York

Today is the New York City Marathon. The marathon I did not enter because I was going to get pregnant before November. On my running website, we are tracking our members live by their race numbers, and I am not one of them because I thought it would be so simple to get pregnant.

Simple for other people, maybe. But not for me. And now I am running into reminders of the chances I didn't take. The dreams I pushed aside for one dream. And as much fun as the Mercedes Marathon will be, its not NYC, and NYC is where I wish I were today.

And this is the gamble we take when we try to get pregnant and are unsuccessful. We push other dreams aside and we wait, and we grow frustrated that our lives aren't as much fun as they used to be. Our lives aren't as interesting as they used to be. And, because we have nothing better to talk about, our friends and families just want to talk about "Well, when areyou going to get pregnant, anyway?"

So today, I am remembering that life isn't simple, creating life isn't simple, and living a life worth living requires an equal mixture of patience and action. Patience to allow things to happen in their given time, and action to assure that life is lived with passion and satisfaction.

Good luck, NYC Marathoners. May your feet be swift and your hearts be light.

Insulin results

I had the lab fax a copy of my insulin and glucose test results to my office (working in a doc's office has its perks!) and discovered that they are perfectly normal.

I'm NOT insulin resistant.

To which I say "Fuck the South Beach Diet, I'm having oatmeal for lunch followed by chocolate pudding for dessert!!!"

And it feels so good. :D