Up and out!

A couple of days ago I was plagued with severe pain on my left side, right along the hip bone. Not only was it painful to sit, stand, lie down, etc. but it was also very tender to the touch and felt almost bruised. I called the doctor's office in worry, and they told me to relax and suggested tylenol, a warm bath, and walking around.

That feeling, which went away after a tylenol, a warm bath, a trip to target, and a nap, was my uterus freeing itself from my pelvis. It's now up in my abdominal cavity, sticking all out front! I'm much, much more comfortable now in the lower part of my body--at least until it fills up all the room up top and starts moving down again! :)

Only a pregnant woman...

Carries a laundry basket upstairs, sets it on the bed to start sorting it, climbs into bed next to it, and sleeps for 4 hours, wakes up, looks around in confusion, and decides to go back to sleep rather than put the laundry away.

The clothes make the woman

I don't have to tell any woman who has been pregnant of the sour taste that fills your mouth when you see this in the mirror:

Since your pants no longer fit, you pull on a pair of sweats, or yoga pants. Since the idea of wearing a thong is anathema to you, and your now bulging ass no longer fits in your pre-pregnancy underwear, your VPL becomes something between comedy and obscenity.

You hastily switch to a pair of maternity pants, but since they don't fit right, they fall down the first time you sit down and you know you can't wear them out of the house. So, the tragi-porni-comic yoga pants return.

Next you pull on a t-shirt. An old sorority shirt, or a race t-shirt. It's long enough to cover your waistband, but not your rear, especially since your somewhat bulging (but not yet obviously pregnant) belly is pulling it forward. You flinch at the sight of what appear to be love handles (though you know it is merely your abdomen accomodating your swelling uterus) as you inspect the view from the side.

No force on earth could make you desperate enough to inspect the view from the rear.

You give a last, longing glance to your dainty high heels, knowing that if they could speak, they'd berate you for even imagining pairing them with the slovenly yoga-pants and t-shirt combo. Then you reach for your flip-flops, once a favorite pair of weekend shoes, now your apparent jailors. They seem to grin up at you, saying, of course you picked me, with my stains from your dirty feet and my soles chewed by your puppy. You had to pick me, you had no choice.

You reach for your purse--no, it doesn't match your flip flops, and you are beyond caring. The tubby stranger in the mirror is not the real you.

So stop wearing her clothes, get your ass to the mall and buy some cute maternity clothes that actually fit. Don't be afraid to buy maternity underwear and a pair of jeans that reminds you of your pre-pregnancy days. While you're at it, skip the t-shirts and buy some stylish, feminine maternity blouses, be they the earth-mother type, or the career-girl type, they will make you feel so much better about yourself, and you deserve this much.

You've dealt with nausea, constipation, hemmorrhoids, varicose veins (only more of those in the future, duckie), splitting headaches, food aversions, food cravings, and cramps that would make your period feel like summer vacation. You deserve to look pretty, you know. You owe it to your body, which is working incredibly hard to produce new life, and you owe it to your spirit, and more than anything, you owe it to the woman you were before you got yourself knocked up. She'll never be the same, but she's still in there, and she'd like to see you taking care of yourself.

Every minute is a milestone

Today I officially entered the second trimester. (if we want to be exact about conception times/dates, about 25 minutes ago!)

Of course, this is a huge milestone, and one I am so thankful to have reached feeling relatively good.

But sometimes we focus so much on these big milestones, that we forget that there is a new one every minute. Every minute I am a minute more pregnant than I was the minute before. Every minute has been longer since I threw up. Every minute is one more minute closer to bringing my jumping beans home.

While I want to enjoy being pregnant, I am so filled with anticipation--I really cannot wait to bring the beans home. I look forward to holding them in my arms, and teaching them how to be good little people, and watching them grow. I can't wait until they have names, and a birthday, and familiar little faces. I can't wait to see if their eyes will be blue or green.

I don't want to wish away my milestones, and I want to appreciate every moment, but I am so impatient!

Pregnancy Induced Hysteria

Sigh.

I thought perhaps, as I was so mild-mannered in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, that this pregnancy symptom had, in fact, skipped me over. After all, I had the nausea, the fatigue, the porn-star boobs, etc.

But the past two days have given new meaning to the phrase "laugh until you cry."

It can happen when I'm reading a funny book--I come across something that ickles my funny bone, I have a little giggle, and then 'm reaching for the kleenex. This is not laughing so hard that tears stream out my eyes--rather, it's I can't enjoy a little humor without getting all emotional about it.

It can happen while watching comedy on TV. Who knew that Entourage was such a tear jerker? But when Johnny Drama smoked a little weed and got himself a case of the fear, I got a little case of the giggle-tears.

But the worst is when I'm reading or watching something sad. And I start laughing. This has yet to happen in public, but I am sure I will be mortified when it does. Eventually the laughter subsides to tears, but by then I will have guffawed in the middle of something that was supposed to be heart-wrenching, and everyone will look at me like I'm some kind of freak.

"But I'm pregnant" seems kind of lame when you've just reached the part of the half-bood prince where Dumbledore dies, and you can't stop giggling. Thank goodness that one hasn't come out as a movie yet, but perhaps I should put off seeing Order of the Phoenix until after the jumping beans arrive, or at least until I can wach in the privacy of my own home--after all, that one has some heart-wrenchers too, and I don't want to be caught chortling at an inappropriate moment in a movie theater full of children.

I felt someone move today!

There have been times before where I thought I felt something, but wasn't sure. This time, I am 99% positive that what I felt was a baby moving!

I was sitting on the recliner, with my hand over baby B. I rubbed my belly slightly (something I do all the time now) and felt a little bump, bump! inside (not on my hand, but inside under my hand) in response. I tried to do it again, but nothing happened. What a cool feeling though! My little one responding to my touch!

Of course... it could have been gas...

12 weeks, babies!

Depending upon the calendar you choose, this is either the last week of my first trimester, or the first week of my second trimester. Either way, its a milestone I am absolutely thrilled to reach! I'm here, I'm healthy, my babies are healthy, and I couldn't ask for more.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that the morning sickness is gone. gone, I can't believe it! For the past three days, I've been able to eat and drink without fear! This means one thing: the little jumping beans have started using their placentas to produce the hormones they need, which means my body is not responsible for producing the massive quantities of hCG, estrogen, and progesterone that cause the morning sickness.

Now, if only there were a solution for pregnancy induced amnesia, pregnancy induced anxiety, and pregnancy induced clumsiness. Ah well, even those things are tolerable when you aren't throwing up anymore!

Pregnancyis scary!

Yesterday at 3:30pm, I had what i thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. My uterus got tight, and I was uncomfortable, but I wouldn't have described it as painful. Over the next 2 hours, they started coming on hard, every 2-3 minutes, and painful, like menstrual cramps. They would take my breath away. I called my OB and they sent me immediately to the ER.

Blood and urine revealed no infection. Thorough transvaginal and abdominal ultrasounds revealed no underlying cause of contraction or pain. My cervix was closed. Both little jumping beans were somersaulting and dancing around, making it difficult for the tech to catch their heartbeats, but eventually it was determined that baby A's heartbeat was 154 and baby B's heartbeat was 169. Both appeared healthy and active. My uterus contracted once while the ultrasound was in progress, but no cause was determined. I was well hydrated, and healthy.

I spent four hours in the ER for pain of indeterminate cause, I still don't have any answers for why I was contracting, but I do have reassurances that the jumping beans are healthy. I go back to the doc for a quick peek at everything on friday.

Pregnancy is scary, but scariest of all is the not knowing, and having no control over what's happening.

Everything Changes

Another example of how everything changes when you're pregnant:

Typically, I like to lie down when I read, on the floor, on my stomach, facing the light source, which typically in the mornings is the large east-facing window in the reading room. Petra usually sleeps on the chair while I read.

Lately, laying on my stomach has become uncomfortable, unless I want to actively feel the babies, which I'll admit, sometimes I do. Unfortunately, my bladder and my stomach don't care for the position, so I can only lay that way for a few minutes at a time.

So I've taken to sitting against the arm of the couch, which is not as relaxing for me, but more comfortable overall--for me. Poor Petra, however, cannot seem to understand that it's okay for her to be "at ease" if I am sitting up, so now I read with her undivided attention on me.

Everything changes.

By the way, this is my 100th post to this blog. I never thought I'd still be posting 100 posts later, but here I am. Another milestone for me: 3 years ago today, I ran my first marathon, an event that changed me in many ways--taught me humility, and taught me to be proud of my accomplishments, all at once. It somehow seemed fitting that change be the subject not just of today's blog post, but also of the self portrait I took for the 365 days project on flickr, so I decided to make this post my flickr post and vice versa.

Jealous

In a way, I am jealous of all those women pregnant with singletons with their little bitty bumps. The ones who, at 18 weeks, look like I looked at 8 weeks.

I feel like I haven't had much time to adjust to the changes in my body, and my body hasn't had much time to adjust either. I go through periods where I feel so stretched and sore--and all I've done is lay on the couch all day! Whereas these women are running and going to the gym and not even showing yet!

I am enjoying being pregnant, and enjoying watching my body change, but I'm starting to think I shouldn't look at pictures of other pregnant women. Or, if I do, I shouldn't look at how far along they are. And if they have just a tiny little bump at 20 weeks, I'll just think "aw, how cute, she just found out!"

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Decided to do a series of first trimester portraits today, set up a mini studio in the room which will eventually be the nursery. I plan to do another series before the end of the second tri, and a last series in the third tri, before the birth.

I need to start working on my birth plan--the OB is encouraging C section, though cautiously saying if both babies are head down, I'll be allowed to attempt a vaginal birth. There is so much to consider--do I want a tubal ligation while they are in there, knowing I will still have to take birth control pills to regulate my PCOS after the jumping beans arrive? If one or both of the beans is male, do we want to circumcise? (I say no, Mark says yes). If I do attempt vaginal birth, will I want an epidural (I'm thinking heck yeah! Narcotics, legally, I wouldn't miss it!)

So much to think about...

Both babies doing GREAT!

Had an ultrasound today at 11 weeks, 1 day. Both babies are measuring a couple of days ahead of schedule and looking fantastic, with strong heartbeats and waving limbs. Baby A is the hyperactive one, while Baby B was contemplating hir toes. :)

I was able to relax quite a bit after seeing them dance and wriggle, punch and kick.

And, according to the OB--my uterus is "huge". :D

Boo for insurance companies

My Insurance company has decided that I've had enough Zofran. The pharmacist called and argued with them (he's so sweet!) but they refused to cover it anymore, so I am facing the morning sickness on my own again.

I feel pretty yucky this morning, but I am sipping on a cold caffeine-free coke hoping to bring my blood sugar up and my nausea down.

Boo insurance, boo. :(

She's a Yummy Mummy and We Love Her!

The antics of Becky Brandon (née Bloomwood) and her bank overdraft have been a source of guilty pleasure for several years now. Becky is the heroine of Sophie Kinsella's Chick-Lit "Shopaholic" books, which are silly, indulgent, and downright hilarious. Confessions of a Shopaholic remains one of my favorite giggle-fests in the world.

Kinsella's latest book is called 'Shopaholic and Baby" and as you can imagine, it is just what this expectant mother needed to put the whole baby-mania in perspective. Having seen the disastrous effects of letting Becky loose on the poor, unsuspecting baby industry, I can now plan for the arrival of my own little ones with a little more sanity.

No, its not great literature, but Becky is a Yummy Mummy and We Love Her!

Naming children

About 3 1/2 months ago, we went to Chicago and picked up Hank, our English Mastiff puppy. It took us two months before we went to get him to name him. Knowing my husband stresses over names, I decided to start early with the kids.

I gave him two lists of twenty names last night. He narrowed them down considerably, and I may have to go hunting for more names. However, I think we may have a girl close to picked out. We want to pick out one girl name and one boy name, and then if the twins turn out to be the same sex, we can use the runner up for either.

6 months to go. Please let my babies have names by then!

Parenthood

Holy crap.

6 months from now, I'm going to be somebody's mom. Make that two somebodies. Every once in awhile it hits me and scares the crap outta me.

I know everything will be just fine, but the logistics of getting everything done between now and then are terrifying. Preparing my house is one thing, preparing my body, well that's pretty much taking care of itself, but preparing my life? Preparing my spirit? Those are something else altogether.

I tell myself I don't want to be the kind of parent who insists that her children parrot her every word and thought. I want them to think on their own, be inspired by the things that matter to them--not those that matter to me.

"You can give them your love but not your thoughts, for they'll have their own thoughts" Kahlil Gibran

I want to be the kind of parent who encourages her children to dream big, act big, learn big, and do big.

"we should all keep pretending that our dreams are patent-pending"Jason Mraz

I want to be the kind of parent who when the kid grows up, they look back on their childhood and says "My mom let me...and that made me who I am today" I don't want to be the mom whose kid grows up to say "i never did...because mom never let me..."

I want my babies to grow up knowing that each moment and each day of their lives is as precious to me as my own. I want to give so much value to the minutes and the hours of their days that they feel rich with time.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"Mary Oliver

Little ones, I'm waiting for you. This time of gathering and reflection is deepening my life for you, opening the doors that you'll need to come through when you get here. Grow, be bold and self assured, I'll be waiting.

30 days left in my 20s

How will it feel to be thirty, 15 weeks pregnant?

When I turned 29, I had recently moved to a new city and I was about to be diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. I was sad, alone, and feeling very turbulent. How dare age and infertility come swooping in on me at once, attacking my fragile sense of self struggling to make a new city home? I wanted desperately to have a baby before I turned 30, and I clung to the hope that I would get pregnant within the next few months, to make that desperate wish a reality.

As month after month slipped by--in september, I was diagnosed. In October, I said "F this, I'm running a marathon." In November we celebrated Mark's birthday and I had seven false positive pregnancy tests (I never bought that brand again). In December, I realized I would not have a baby by 30, and I cried, for wasting time in my twenties. I cried because I felt like time was slipping away from me faster than I could seize the moments to really live them, I was too obsessed with trying to find hope in bleak circumstances.

In January I stopped crying and I went to the RE.

In February, I allowed them to inject me with radiactive dye.

In March, I learned how to give myself injections.

In April, I decided that it was over. I was done. This was the last cycle, the last time I would literally inject my paycheck into the fleshy skin below my belly button. I thought of the children I couldn't have, with their blond hair and blue eyes like my husband, or green eyes like me. I planned how I would get over these little phantom babies, and I started researching fall marathons and thinking about a trip to the wine store. I stopped trying to bargain with God, because let's face it, God never believes us when we say "If you will give me just this one thing..." Instead, I sat back and said "I can't control this, and I don't want to try anymore."

In May, I was pregnant. I was disbelieving--I had plans now that I could gladly set aside. I was afraid and overjoyed and thankful all at once. And then, I found out that I am carrying twins.

In June, I saw and heard my babies' hearts beating. When I heard the sound like horses galloping, I began to breathe again.

And now its July, and I can ponder how I spent my last year of my twenties before August slips in and seals this decade forever in memory, never to be touched or dipped into except with nostalgia. It was a painful, heartbreaking year. But it was the year with the most hope, the most joy, the most faith, I have ever felt.

Would I live it again? I was strong enough to live it once. But once was enough. Bring on 30.

Last night I dreamed of roses

In my dream, I crossed the street to smell roses planted by my neighbor's mailbox. When I turned around, I saw that I had roses planted by my mailbox also.

My roses were low to the ground, covering it like dianthus. They looked lovely, peach-colored and covered with dew. I thought for just a moment "but roses don't grow on the ground!" but there they were, opening towards the sky like fragrant cabbages.

I ran to get my camera, the scent strong in my nose, and then I woke up.

BellyMonster

Oh god, it's huge.

I miss running

I don't miss chardonnay, or epoisses, or sashimi like I thought I would.

Instead, I miss running. I miss the early morning runs, in the half light, before the heat creeps into the world. I miss having a training schedule stuck to the fridge with magnets, and drawing an 'X" through every run once complete. I miss the way my muscles sing to me after a tough workout when they are tired, worn down, but happy.

My body is on a different journey now, with some very foreign-feeling stuff happening to it. Its a training schedule of a different fashion--and there is discomfort and hard work aplenty! The rewards will be worth the sacrifices. But on a warm summer morning, in the half light, I sniff the air like a dog and wonder.

So darned tired.

First trimester fatigue is no myth! The past three weeks have featured two visits from out of town guests, a trip out of town, and the purchase of a new car. (Mama's first Mercedes)

I am exhausted. I just want to sleep for the next 6 months!

I look about 14 weeks pregnant now, though I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow. Hope to have a belly progress report soon, but I'm too tired to clean the mirror in the bathroom right now.

Only 3 more weeks in the First Tri!

How Zofran changed my life

Dang, that stuff is so good, I want to name one of the beans after it! :D

My OB prescibed Zofran for my morning sickness. Its expensive, but insurance covers it (thank goodness--generic costs $25 a pill without insurance). And that stuff is a miracle. I feel a thousand times better. Although, without nausea to take my mind off it, I'm starting to notice how friggin' tired I am! I'd rather be tired than puking any day. I finally feel like I can enjoy being pregnant. There is still a lot of anxiety involved with getting my life and home ready for twins, but it is lessened so much by simply feeling better.

Right about now the placentas should be starting to take over hormone production, so I should be noticing a decline in symptoms over the next 3-4 weeks. By 12-13 weeks, most early symptoms should be gone!

7 weeks, 3 days: Belly progress report!

Not hugely different from last week, but I'm starting to see a thickening around the waist in addition to the ever expanding belly bulge. I've switched to yoga pants and bought some maternity jeans the other day. I think I look (and feel) about 5 weeks further along than I am.

7 weeks!!!

Wow, it's 7 weeks already! I had my last RE appointment today, complete with hugs from the office staff. I'll see them one more time when I pick up my records before my OB appointment next week.

I saw both beans on the ultrasound again, baby b was hiding behind baby a. I heard both heartbeats loud and clear at about 140 bpm. Wow, do I love that noise. :)

I'm looking forward to seeing a regular OB from now on--so relieved that after everything it took to get pregnant, I've gotten the all clear to move on to a normal pregnancy.

6 week, 2 day belly bump

6 weeks 2 days-- things are definitely starting to spread out down in the belly region. My jeans won't button comfortably, and I can't "suck it in." Looks like I'll be wearing maternity clothes sooner than originally planned.

I just want to eat something...

...without feeling like I'm going to throw up.

Carbs are the enemy. Liquids are my friend--most of the time. Anything with a strong odor is out of the question. And cooking? Heh, forget that shit. Its not happening.

Yet, I'm ravenously hungry 24/7. I get up in the middle of the night, starving, and eat one of the jello cups I've stashed in the bathroom for secret midnight eating, and then puke it back up a half hour later.

This is far and away the suckiest part of being pregnant so far.

Yesterday

Yesterday was both the most exciting day and the scariest night of my life.

At the ultrasound, we saw the heartbeats of our two little beans. That's right folks, it's twins!!! After walking on cloud nine all day, I came home and started bleeding. After a frantic phone call to the doctor (who reassured me that it was probably fine and told me to stop by in the morning for another quick ultrasound) I found myself unable to sleep. Racked with morning-noon-and-night-sickness as well as nerves, I spent about half the night on the bathroom floor.

But this morning I went to the doctor and had another ultrasound and both beans are doing great. Strong heartbeats!

So, I'm taking it easy this weekend, trying not to do too much. Enjoying that I have an excuse for the premature growth of my belly. :)

morning sickness and dizzy spells

So now it begins in earnest--the pregnancy side effects have swooped in this week. I have to be cautious standing up, so I don't get dizzy, and despite my best efforts to eat every 1.5-2 hours, I have been fighting back nausea since yesterday. So far it hasn't been too bad, but when Hank threw up on the floor, I almost joined him.

The changes in my body are making it feel slightly alien. I'm myself and not myself. These huge breasts that hurt all the time, the round little potbelly, the light-headedness, the bladder that requires constant emptying, they all conspire to make me feel as though I'm not quite myself. However, it's strangely satisfying to turn my awareness inward on life growing inside, and feel that these changes are purposeful, and the self I was is being traded in for another self, the self that is somebody's mother.

The bump has started!

a day shy of 5 weeks, and my shorts wouldn't button, I took a picture and lo and behold, the little padding I had under my belly button has rounded out and formed the start of a little bump!

Last night I dreamed...

I dreamed I went to the RE for my ultrasound, and they turned me away, even though I had an appointment, because they didn't have anyone to work the ultrasound machine.

Then it got really weird. I threw a tantrum (okay, not so weird, there) and threatened not to leave until someone showed me my baby. Then, I started talking about how I don't have a job, so I don't have anywhere better to be, and they should keep in mind that I am a college-educated woman who can't be pushed around. Then, I pulled out a textbook from my sophomore year in college entitled "how to make effective tv commercials" and said "See, I WENT to college."

There are no words to describe how ridiculous I felt when I woke up. And how relieved that I only embarrassed myself in a dream!

I don't feel pregnant today

So, after a few days of nausea and fatigue, all of a sudden I feel great. Today is the day my period would normally be due, so of course I started freaking out that this feeling great stuff means I'm going to start bleeding. I've also had some cramps today, which also gets me freaked out.

I keep re-reading the section of "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" about cramping. I know its perfectly normal, but just in case, I took another pregnancy test. For the record, this is the fourteenth pregnancy test I have taken since finding out that I was pregnant 6 days ago. The second line emerged instantly, and became as dark as the control line within just a couple of minutes.

I keep telling myself to relax, that its normal to feel good some days and bad others. Its likely that my body has gotten used to having a bit of hCG in there, and that soon enough I'll be feeling perfectly rotten again.

Besides, I still have porn boobs. That should count for something.

Why do I feel like I'm never going to relax until the kidlet graduates from college?

Appointments set

Thursday the 31st, I'll see the baby for the first time on an ultrasound. Thursday June 14th, I'll have my first OB appt!

Yay!

Oh, Finally!

Just got off the phone with the doctor--Beta is 421! More than double, very good stuff!

The anxiety is killing me

I had my second blood draw this morning and am waiting for the call from the doc with the results.

Tuesday, they called me back by 10:30 with the good news. Now, I'm panicking that the reason they haven't called me back yet (at 11:30, only an hour later) is because they have BAD news, and no one likes to make the call to give bad news.

UGH! I hate the waiting! I am so nervous. I put on a cheesy romantic comedy (a lot like love, starring ashton kutcher) to distract me. I actually really enjoy this movie, and have a little infatuation with Ashton's character, but I can't even get into it today.

Please call soon, please call soon.

beta

beta number is 172!!! Woo-hoo!

Beta scheduled for tomorrow

7:30 AM, I'll find out if the blood test confirms the pregnancy.

I've never been so excited to have blood drawn! I didn't sleep last night with worry about whether I imagined the lines were positive, etc. So I took another test this morning and it was much darker than yesterdays. And I started feeling queasy today--I really didn't imagine that would happen so soon!

I should update this with a Beta number tomorrow...

Pregnant

Happy Mother's Day to me. :)

This morning's test was clearly positive. I am not supposed to test this early, but I did anyway, so I'll be scheduling a blood test for confirmation later this week.

Mark has forbidden me to tell anyone, so this will be our little secret. :)

trigger is gone

one week post IUI, and the trigger seems to be completely out of my system.
Now the obsessive testing can begin. :)

Swollen...

I am so friggin' bloated, its not even funny. One of the side effects of the two weeks of FSH injections + trigger shot. They told me if my hands and face start swelling, to go to the ER. So far, its just my belly. It feels distended and uncomfortable. I'm not looking forward to going out on the boat tomorrow looking like this. :(

IUI Today

Did my IUI this morning. Doc says it was a "perfect cycle." Let's hope that means that next January I'll have a perfect baby! :)

Nervous

Okay, I'll admit to being a little nervous about the IUI tomorrow. While the procedure is not painful, its not exactly comfortable either. However, I'm thinking good thoughts and hoping everything goes quickly.

The aftereffects of the trigger left me feeling like I had a raging hangover this morning (morning sickness, oh boy!) and severe discomfort in my breasts. I suspect its somewhat like what people experience in the first trimester of pregnancy, but because the hormone is injected, it comes on you all at once.

Day 13 ultrasound

Surprise!

"We need to trigger you TODAY!"

Two big follicles, both over two centimeters, and uterine lining over 10mm, in the "perfect" range. This could be it! IUI is scheduled for Thursday morning.

Day 11 ultrasound

Still waiting to hear back from the doctor's office after my latest ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. This doctor identified two dominant follicles--one at 12mm and one at 11mm and said that the rest were still small, so hopefully we're good to continue the meds as is. Lining is getting thicker, so that's good.

I learned something new today: Most women have one dominant ovary from which they ovulate almost every time. For me, its my left ovary. Back when I had the HSG, my left tube was blocked. (they did clear the blockage during the process, however).

So all those months I was trying to get pregnant with a blocked left tube and I don't ovulate from the right.

Day 9 ultrasound

Today was my CD9 ultrasound and bloodwork. Three blood draws in less than a week, I'm starting to look like a junkie with all the needle marks and bruises on my arms.

There is now a single dominant follicle and three other follicles that are responding to the FSH. This is still considered acceptable, so at this point, I'm okay to go ahead and order more FSH and the trigger shot. Yay! My lining was 8.8mm, so already thicker than it was on IUI day last time, and its only CD9.

Very good news all in all.

Dosage Decrease...

8 follicles responded to the FSH.

That means, if all 8 developed to their full potential and I triggered with hcg, and all feritlized and implanted, I would have octuplets.

This is bad;

So, they are decreasing my dosage to 50 ius of FSH daily in hopes of reducing the numebr of maturing follicles to 1-3.

Triplets are an acceptable risk. Beyond that, it's a cancelled cycle.

They're here!

Mooo!
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

My little bitty mini business cards have arrived! Yay!
On the front, they feature my photography, and on the back, they say "Aimee Benson, Photography and Photo Illustration" with my contact info.

Just seeing them sort of makes it seem real. Now all I need is a website and some clients!

Ow!

Day three of Follistim injections. My poor belly! It doesn't seem to like getting shots very much. Especially today, when I'm a little bit sunburnt.

One more day of injections followed by U/S to decide whether to continue injections, coast, or cancel the cycle.

1st IUI cycle...failed

Despite the name of my blog, I am losing hope quickly. Another failed cycle, and this one came with a $1200 price tag. The next cycle is expected to cost double to triple that.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I have been so blessed in so many ways: I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly. I have three adorable dogs who keep me company and make me laugh. I have the strength of body and of will to run marathons. I can do an aerial 180 on a wakeboard. I live in a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood full of light and surrounded by flowering trees in bloom. I'm starting my own business and while it scares the crap outta me, I am blessed to have the ability to chase my dreams.

Except one. I don't have the ability to conceive a child.

Don't wanna pee on a stick yet...

8 DPO. Possibly early enough to have a + HPT, but not likely. Someone, please give me the strength to hold off until at least 12 DPO!!! I don't know if I can make it 4 more days!

Tonight

+ OPK today. Woo-hoo! Mark is coming back in town after being gone since Sunday. I'm totally planning to jump his bones the minute he walks through the door.

This being our last cycle trying to conceive naturally, I am really hoping this does this trick. I just got the EOB from my HSG, and it cost $1600!!! luckily, insurance paid for it. The blood tests I had done last cycle (also covered) came to over $3000. As soon as we start an IUI cycle, nothing is covered, so I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle is the one that counts!

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

Heart
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

A.S. Byatt's "Posession" is quoted frequently throughout Audrey Niffenegger's novel, "The Time Traveler's Wife." The Time Traveler's Wife is romantic, striking, and manages to break and warm your heart all at once. After reading it, I read Posession.

Posession is beautifully written, particularly when dealing with the fleeting moments that make up a love story.

Love is not finding someone you can live with. It is finding someone you cannot live without. Life being so short and fleeting, you want to spend every moment with that person.

I am so blessed, to have Mark as my partner in this short life. We make our way together, sometimes shoving our way through the difficult parts, sometimes dancing through the joyful ones. And together, we are finding some manner of peace, and hope.

This is our last cycle of trying to conceive naturally. Beginning next cycle, I will be taking injections to be followed with an intrauterine insemination. In some ways, this knowledge has freed up our sex life to be about intimacy and love again, as opposed to being simply about procreation, which after over a year of trying to get pregnant, it had grown tired, cold. I feel like now I am rediscovering my marriage, my husband, and myself.

"This is where I have been coming to, since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." A.S. Byatt

HSG done today

I had the HSG done today. It was far more painful than I expected, however, the radiologist believes the reason it was painful was because there was an obstruction in one tube. They forced more dye through, and the obstruction came clear. My tubes are both open and everything looked good.

There's a lot of cramping, and a lot of blood, but the procedure only took a few minutes, and that's a small price to pay for some peace of mind. :)

Hysterosalpingogram

Well, I am scheduled for an HSG next week. I am dreading it--I hate to be such a baby about it, but I am honestly scared. Not so much scared that it will hurt, more just scared that I'll find out more bad news.

Race Report

Post Race
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

So, yesterday I ran the Mercedes Benz Marathon in Birmingham, Alabama. I had one simple goal: to finish the race without walking.

At the beginning I had one main concern: not going out too fast. I wanted to run 11:30 miles for the entire race. I hit the first mile mark in 9:40. Whoops! At this point, I decided whats done is done, I'm just going to go with it. And I kept running, and I kept going with a steady effort.

The first major hill came around mile 4 and peaked right before mile 6. It was a long, tough climb, and I passed a lot of people at this point. I felt strong. I crossed the half marathon mark and looked down at my watch, which read 2:16. The fastest I've ever run a half marathon right there. I still felt really strong going into the second half of the race, and my spirits were way up!

Somewhere between mile 17 and mile 18, I saw Mo, and she jumped in with me and started to run alongside me. I was beginning to hurt at this point, but still felt pretty good, considering I'd been running for 18 miles! The next major hill came at mile 21, and it got really mean at mile 22, before dropping into a quad-busting descent at mile 23. At this point, I was starting to suffer a side stitch, and slowed way down.

But I kept running, breathing deep into my belly to stetch out my diaphragm and ease the stitch. At mile 25, I took a beer from the hash house harriers, had a couple of swigs and handed it to Mo, who finished it off. At this point, with just a mile to go, I was beginning to get a little emotional. I rounded the corner and went across the first of two timing mats, and I heard the announcer say "And coming across the finish now is Aimee from Atlanta GA!" And I was across the finish line, stopping my watch, stopping my run. I was given a T-shirt and the medal you see me wearing in the picture, and the timing chip was cut from my shoe.

I finished my third marathon with a personal best time over 17 minutes faster than I've ever run a marathon before. And I didn't take any walk breaks.

I am still elated today, if rather sore. And, my period is two days late, so I'm headed back to the store for more pregnancy tests.

Good News, Bad News, Thursday Edition

Bad news: I'm not pregnant.

Good news: I can run the marathon on Sunday.

fatigue + hunger

I am not sure whether its pre-marathon jitters, or 2ww jitters, or what, but I am tremedously hungry and tired today. I put away a half a pint of Ben and Jerrys before lunch, and now that I've napped, I'm thinking lasagna for lunch. Did I mention I ate two plates of lasagna for dinner last night?

So weird, knowing that next week I'll either be pregnant or I'll be running a marathon. I'm amazed I can sleep at all!

What a week

Saturday morning, Mark and I discovered our brand new home had been broken into while we slept. The theives took our wakeboards, our snowboards, and the very special Ashland Longboard that I had made for Mark for his graduation present.

The design on the board featured a star and an anchor, to symbolize our relationship. He is represented by the star, the dreamer, the risk taker. I am represented by the anchor, the steady, the cautious, the grounded. Some punk kid is riding around on our marriage.

Tuesday I ran 22 miles. It was a good run, a good prep for the race in a few weeks.

Today when we woke up, the truck wouldn't start. Its leaking massive quantities of oil. We're down to one working vehicle until this weekend, when mark fixes the radiator in the miata.

And, I'm due to ovulate any minute now--I had a positive OPK, and for the first time, I've had loads of EWCM. Fingers crossed that this is the cycle that changes everything. :)

Thirteen

"Whoa, that's a lot of vials! are they all for me?"
"yes, but I'll make it go quickly."
"How many are there"
"Thirteen."
"Thirteen? You know I just had blood drawn three days ago, right? Is this safe?"
"Perfectly. How are you feeling?"

a good night's sleep

There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Metformin seems to completely negate the insomnia effect of the Clomid. I slept so good and so hard, and I feel so utterly refreshed. And have not experienced any side effects from the met. Of course, its just one dose, but I was told my body would adjust within a week, so if I'm not feeling side effects after the first dose, my body may not need to adjust.

So far, I'm feeling really hopeful about this course of treatment. And, of course, seeing an RE next month.

Life could not be more unfair.

I am due to start my period on February 11th. The day of my marathon.

Somebody in the cosmos thinks this is funny, but I don't.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

My evil gynecologist has retired.

I've spent the last hour on the phone with three different doctor's offices trying to coordinate an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. And now I feel like complete shit. Why are they so mean? Why can't they just be NICE to people?

Anyway, long story short, I'm not going to be able to see an RE until the end of February, which means I won't be able to get any treatment until two cycles from now. I'm so upset, I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I know part of this is the clomid, that its affecting my mood and making me more upset. And now I'm wondering if I should even be TAKING this clomid at all, and I just want a normal life again.

I wish I didn't want to have kids. I wish I could shed my want like a snake sheds its skin.
I'd make an awful buddhist. because, while I recognize that they are right, the root of all suffering is desire, I can't seem to let go of this thing.

30

I was driving down the road last night, headed back from the grocery store, and thinking about the state of my life. I'm going to be thirty in just under 8 months. I have a house and a bunch of cars and a husband and all my friends are married (except for Ana who just got engaged last week) and most of us are trying to have kids, and several have kids already.

And I realized, all my "problems" and dramas are so adult, so pedestrian, so boring.

I mean for god's sake, infertility Aimee??? Where the fuck are your rock star credentials? Turn in your cool card right now lady. Yeah, so what if you run marathons--running marathons is not cool, it's geeky in an "I love pain" kind of way. Nope, a ten year old tattoo is not going to earn you any leeway on this. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, get your ass to midlife purgatory and start figuring out how you can be any more like your parents. Maybe take up knitting.

30. For fuck's sake. When did you get the idea that it would be okay to grow up? When did you stop playing around and get serious? When did you start worrying about your liver, of all things? (and don't pretend you're not, I'm inside your head, I know these things).

30. You don't even read cosmo anymore. Now you just read Elle Decor and Shape and Runner's World. (geek)

30. You have more recipes than your mother.

30. You actually choose wine based on taste, not because it has a cool bottle.

30. Fucking geezer.

I'm running a marathon in less than 5 weeks

I am going to complete my third marathon in three years, my third marathon by age 30. My third marathon. the nerves are starting to set in. Four months ago I had never run more than 10 miles without stopping to walk. On Sunday, I ran 22 miles, in the rain, no walk breaks.

I told myself before every long run, "If you found out you were pregnant tomorrow and couldn't do the race, this should be a run you can be proud of." Well, I'm proud of every run I've done in training for this race, and I'm going to be proud of the race too.

Training for a marathon is a journey of self-discovery. Even though I've done this twice before, I've learned new things about myself now. I've learned that pride is a better motivator than fear. I've learned that the body will do what is asked, as long as it is asked nicely. I've learned that I am capable of more than I had ever believed.

Anything is possible. Hope feels good.

Day One.

immer wieder

12 DPO Negative pregnancy tests

This morning I was very nauseous immediately after getting up. It went away when I ate a chocolate chip cookie. Sort of. It didn't completely go away, but it went away a lot.

I also have been experiencing very strange cramps for about 12 hours now. They are down very low, and they don't feel like menstrual cramps.

I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. I am going out of my mind thinking that every little twinge and ache I feel might be a symptom. Also, the skin between my breasts is lumpy this morning. Not like a rash, just weird. Like the skin texture has changed. So on top of being 2WW worried, I have this lumpy boob thing to occupy my already anxiety-addled brain.

+ OPK, preseed, and properly ordered orgasms....

My work for the evening is done. ;)

Oh goodness.

So, I'm taking clomid for the third time, and I've recently read that Clomid builds up in your system and you can still feel side effects for up to 6 months after taking it.

Well, I'm experiencing far more side effects this time than I have the last two times. Mainly an irrational lightning-quick temper. I go from sweet as pie to enraged in seconds flat. And the provocation needn't be large to unleash an absolute fury. I feel like I'm watching someone else react to the situations in which I find myself, someone I don't know and to whom I can't relate.

So bear with me if I seem a bit irrational these days, I'm working on it.

BIG temp drop

Oh thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was going to need to go on provera again. My temp was 97.0 this morning, a sure sign that today would be a good day to use my Diva Cup.

Not Pregnant

So, I'm not pregnant. I got 7 questionable tests. Each test had a second line, but the line never got darker, and when tested with another brand from the same urine sample, it was negative. I will never buy that brand of HPT again.

And so now I wait to see if my cycle will end naturally or whether I will need medical assistance again.

I feel pretty hopeless and I hate that. We did everything right this cycle, but still nothing. Its so disheartening.

Thanksgiving

Its thanksgiving, and I'm thankful.

Things for which I am thankful:

My husband and our fabulous relationship, and god-blessed marriage.
My two sweet pupstars.
Turkey and other delicious eatin's.
Good health.

Today, I am not taking anything for granted, and I am celebrating everything I have. Life is pretty great.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Ambiguity, Part Three.

I'm on the verge of calling these positive pregnancy tests. But the line is so faint, I think I am imagining it. So, I've stopped drinking alcohol--even that single glass with dinner. My fertility monitor suggests that I will start my period soon unless I am pregnant. It is day 23 of my cycle, so 5-10 days before an expected period and 13 days post-ovulatory.

Now I am regretting buying those cheap internet pregnancy tests. I'm going out and buying the digital tests if I don't start my period or get a line that is definitely not imaginary by the end of the week.

Maybe Baby

So another veeery faint line this morning that could be a positive test. I'm going to buy a couple of digitals I think. Also, some more cramping this morning that could be indicative of pregnancy. Holy shit, is this for real?

I can't begin to describe the feelings right now. Uncertainty. Fear, especially of getting my hopes up, excitement, elation. I just want to know something for sure. This "maybe its a line, maybe its your imagination" stuff has got to go.

Last night we signed the contract to buy our new house. Soon, I'll be home. :D

pregnancy tests

I took one last night that seemed like a very faint positive.

I took one this morning: definitely negative.

So, now I am going to wait a few days and test again. But my temps are way up this morning, so hopefully that's a good sign. :)

Waiting waiting waiting

In 5 days, I will take a pregnancy test.

In 2 days, I will leave for my annual Hilton Head trip.

In 1 day, I will find out whether we got the house.

All this waiting is making me anxious.

temp drop

So my temperatures dropped this morning. I'm not sure what, if anything, that means. But I'm not really optimistic about it. Of course, I'm still going to test on Monday, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

clomid depression

I'm getting that hormonal downswing that comes with Clomid cycles. 4 DPO and I feel hopeless and depressed and weepy and grumpy and angry and sad.

I even took a pregnancy test--knowing it was waaaay too soon for any HCG to show up, I was so desperate to have a reason why I am feeling this way.

Of course, looking back through this blog, I can find the exact point of the last cycle when I experienced those same feelings.

I wish my sanity would come back!!

hot flash, nausea, headache...

5 dpo is too early for preggo symptoms...So these are likely side effects from the Clomid. yuck.

Temps still up

My BBT is still up--one more high temp and its official! I changed my chart to reflect the "almost positive" LH test the day before I received the high on the FM to count as a positive, since it did actually show a surge, and now the software is saying I ovulated a day before it did based on the FM alone. We've timed everything about as well as possible. So now we wait.

I'm off to run ten miles in training for the mercedes marathon. Hopefully training for this race will keep me sane during the 2 week wait.

How soon could a test be positive?

ovulation

According to my fertility monitor and the TCOYF software, I have ovulated. My temps went up slightly this morning, so we'll see if the pattern holds.

November 24th will be 14 DPO, so I'll be able to test then.

Anyone out there reading this, cross your fingers for me.

There's an EGG!!!

There's an egg on my fertiltiy monitor!!! That means that the FM detected a surge in my LH, meaning I'm going to OVULATE!!!!

I wonder if it will show up in my regular afternoon ovulation test also? (the LH surge)

It would bre pretty hilarious if I spent $200 on the FM and got pregnant the first month using it. Too bad you can't sell used ones on ebay...

I *heart* New York

Today is the New York City Marathon. The marathon I did not enter because I was going to get pregnant before November. On my running website, we are tracking our members live by their race numbers, and I am not one of them because I thought it would be so simple to get pregnant.

Simple for other people, maybe. But not for me. And now I am running into reminders of the chances I didn't take. The dreams I pushed aside for one dream. And as much fun as the Mercedes Marathon will be, its not NYC, and NYC is where I wish I were today.

And this is the gamble we take when we try to get pregnant and are unsuccessful. We push other dreams aside and we wait, and we grow frustrated that our lives aren't as much fun as they used to be. Our lives aren't as interesting as they used to be. And, because we have nothing better to talk about, our friends and families just want to talk about "Well, when areyou going to get pregnant, anyway?"

So today, I am remembering that life isn't simple, creating life isn't simple, and living a life worth living requires an equal mixture of patience and action. Patience to allow things to happen in their given time, and action to assure that life is lived with passion and satisfaction.

Good luck, NYC Marathoners. May your feet be swift and your hearts be light.

Insulin results

I had the lab fax a copy of my insulin and glucose test results to my office (working in a doc's office has its perks!) and discovered that they are perfectly normal.

I'm NOT insulin resistant.

To which I say "Fuck the South Beach Diet, I'm having oatmeal for lunch followed by chocolate pudding for dessert!!!"

And it feels so good. :D

Day One.

A new cycle, a new hope. A lot of confusion.

I started the South Beach diet yesterday, as recommended in the book "Healing Syndrome O", in hopes of kicking any insulin resistance to the curb since my doctor won't prescribe metformin. I have to admit, I'm positively miserable. I have no energy for my runs, I'm hungry all the time, and I really just want a bowl of oatmeal or a piece of bread, or popcorn, or something!!!

I'm hoping this is just menstrual apathy, but I can't seem to find any energy or motivation to get off my ass for anything.

Two more days until I start taking the Clomid again, at double the dosage.

to be in good cheer

I am happy today. Giddy, cheerful, full of hope and silliness.

Where did that come from????

:)

Its not very unusual for me to feel happy and cheerful. I'm generally a happy go lucky girl. But this extremity of good cheer, this is different, and its very welcome. It snuck in suddenly in the night and took over. Which makes me realize even more than ever that these bouts of hormone-induced depression are fleeting, temporary, and that I should pay them no more mind than a stranger giving me the finger on the morning commute.

Alpharetta 10k report

Ran a small local 10k this morning. Not very fast, averaged 11 minute miles, but it was fun. It was raining and dark at the start and raining and a little bit brighter at the finish. But it was my first race in a really long time, and I enjoyed it. I'm definitely getting used to running on tired legs though.

Perspective

Okay, so now I at least know what's wrong with me. That is a step in the right direction. The doc has doubled the dosage on my Clomid, so hopefully that will help provoke my cysty little ovaries into giving up the goods.

If it doesn't, I'm going to ask him to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS.

I'm going to call him on monday and see if he would give me metformin or glucophage to address the insulin resistence. I mean, if we're going to load my body up with drugs, let's do this, y'know?

Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which means that there are cysts all through my ovaries which are preventing me from ovulating. They can't be removed. The only thing that can be done is more hormones in the hopes of getting me to ovulate.

Fuck.

appt. with Doc B.

Had an appointment with Doctor B. today.

He listened to what I had to say, and suggested a higher dose of Clomid for the next go round. He also drew blood and plans to test my FSH and LH levels, my beta HCG levels (just in case I'm actually pregnant and this infertility business is a product of my overactive imagination), and my thyroid levels.

But I had to tell him to test my thyroid. and he acted like we hadn't JUST talked about it a month ago.

We'll see.

rainy half day

I'm only working a half day today. I am meeting with Dr. B to discuss next steps in my treatment. Then I'm going to run three miles in the rain. Or on the treadmill. I haven't decided which yet. Ah, the joys of marathon training: deciding which is worse, running in the rain or running inside.

On a totally unrelated note, my boobages are huge this morning. I hope this is a sign that my period will start naturally and that I won't have to go the provera route again. I don't want to take any more hormones than I need to!

saddle.sore

So, yesterday I went for a 26 mile bike ride.

I've never ridden my bike outside of a parking lot before, so this was an all-new experience for me. I put on my cushiest padded-est shorts, some nice thick cycling tights, and hit the SCT!

Well, even the cushiest padded-est shorts didn't prevent saddle sores. :(

And my male riding partners couldn't understand why I was in so much pain when peeing until I explained that the way female plumbing works, the saddle sores actually happen on the inside and that there is no way to avoid hitting them with the stream. Men, coming as they do with a built-in spray gun, don't have that problem.

but I feel pretty great about my ride--I still need to work on my dismount, but my bicycle handling skills have definitely improved. wheee!

Two left feet

So I had to bag my run last night because in my haste to get ready for work I packed, yes, you guessed it, two left shoes. So today I need to redeem myself.

I also need to call Dr. B and schedule an appointment to have some tests done, since the Clomid didn't work.

more to come.

I feel great this morning!

Slept like a baby after my run last night. I feel fantastic. I have another 3 miler planned for today, I plan on running the same course. Its very convenient, especially since its a loop.

My legs feel great this morning--stiff, like marathon legs. :D

Run Report 10/10/06

3 miles. Took me right around a half hour (I couldn't figure out how to work my new stopwatch), so I'm guesstimating. I ran through Dunwoody, did a little fantasy house-shopping. It was really nice. Kind of hilly, but only three really killer hills, and even those were pretty short. It was a nice run. :)

Day one of marathon training!

Woo-hoo!

I have a 3 miler planned after work today. I'm almost giddy with excitement. I'm really looking forward to having a goal, getting back in shape, and running regularly again. I'll report back tonight. :)

Something to take my mind off it...

I just registered for the Mercedes Marathon in Birmingham, AL.

Its 18 weeks away. I have to start training tomorrow. This should keep me busy for awhile. :D

http://www.mercedesmarathon.com/marathon.htm

itchy, twitchy eyeballs

I think I have a migraine coming. My eyeballs hurt, and the light is bothering them and I feel slightly nauseous. Ugh. So not a good way to start the day.

I am drinking coke in an effort to make it go away, hoping the caffeine and sugar will make a difference. I shouldn't be drinking coke, but I don't really care at this point.

I think I'm done TTC until after the holidays. I don't want my holidays to be wracked with anxiety and disappointment. I need to talk to my doctor about whether he thinks I should continue to take the Clomid or wait until January. Now that I have made this decision, I feel okay about it. Maybe this is the first step in letting go.

Good Morning, fat ass.

Yeah, so about exercise.

Exercise has always been something I did--walking, running, working out at the gym, yoga, etc. Always, my whole life, I have been active.

Until I moved to Atlanta. Where I have sat on my ever-spreading ass for the last five months. Oh, I've gone for a few runs. I've ridden my bicycle a couple of times, and I've lifted some weights and done some yoga. But I haven't done any of it on a regular basis and it shows.

My big wake-up call was going back to work. I haven't bought any scrubs yet, so I've been wearing business attire. And none of my clothes fit. Since I spent five months sitting on my ass in yoga pants, sweats, and my uber-comfy palazzos, I didn't really notice that I was getting bigger. Not just a lack of definition that would snap right back once I got back on track, but an honestly, I can't button these pants unless I hold my breath and pinch kind of bigger.

I kept telling myself they shrank in the wash, but I can't deny it anymore. I'm getting chubby. I need to work out more.

playing in photoshop

comfort
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

So, this photo was supposed to be a sort of illustration for the blog, but it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to. Actually, it didn't turn out at all the way I wanted it to. In fact, its a little pervy. Oh well.

it's been a dark few days

Part of why I started this blog was to work through some of the isolation I have felt in recent months. However, it goes beyond that. Infertility is isolation not only from other people, but from one's own thoughts and feelings. It's a sort of forced denial, squeezing oneself into a costume that doesn't quite fit. The sad clown stereotype.

I had a breakdown this week. Or a breakthrough. I don't know quite which to call it. Shortly after my last post here, I had one of those days (it was starting around the time I posted) where I swung into a deep despair. I cried myself to sleep, lamenting to Mark that I was TIRED of having my life run by this want. I wanted my life back the way it was before I worried about my mucus or how dark the stripe would get on an OPK. But I can't let go.

One thing that threw me over the edge was a woman who called my office to schedule an appointment to speak with the doc about fertility medications. She described to me how she hadn't been ovulating, how she was using the OPKs, and how she wanted to talk to the doctor about starting a medication called clomid. Then she said "Please write that down, the drug is spelled C-L-O-M-I-D."

Yeah, thanks for the tip lady. And yet, even my irrational anger towards her is a sign of how this experience is altering my personality. While I am a little self-absorbed, it isn't much like me to be without any kindness for a suffering person. And here I was, angry at this woman for not knowing that I was dealing with the same experience, for not being able to explain that I knew how she felt. I was angry at her for feeling the same way I feel.

It's all so fucked up, this. The feeling of shame that washes over me when I see a pregnant woman. The self-loathing I feel when I look at someone else's beautiful baby. This frustration with other infertile women.

And yet, I love babies, and I am truly happy for my friends who are pregnant, and for the random pregnant strangers I see. It's myself with whom I am angry and of whom I am ashamed.

As quickly as these feelings came, they have gone, leaving me perhaps a little wasted and fatigued, as after a long illness. If anything, this has brought Mark and me closer together, as he has seen the way the experience has ravaged me, something I don't think he understood before. His strength, his hopefulness, they have brought my own strength and hope back.

I also want to recognize that these strong and volatile emotions may very well be a result of the Clomid. While I did not experience any side effects while I was taking it, my body is still responding to the hormonal changes. Clomid works on the estrogen receptors in the brain (as well as all throughout the body), and not much is known about how this effects mood.

And so this experiment continues.

Sometimes, I fear it won't work.

I might truly be infertile. And that modern medicine won't fix me.

Today is a bad day. I didn't sleep last night, I'm tired, I have to go to work, and I have to pretend that I'm not worried about the fact that its CD12 and I don't have good mucus or very much in the way of LH in my system. It certainly doesn't LOOK like I'm about to ovulate, though the doctor said I should ovulate about a week after my last clomid dose.

There is such a stigma on infertility. I've been asked several times in the last few days whether I have any children, and there is no way for me to answer that question without hurting. I pretend that I am childless by choice, otherwise I will have confessed to my new employers that I am trying to get pregnant. Not only is this pretense utterly foreign to me--I am not easily given to deceit, but it is required in order to protect myself from the "infertility" stigma. This society-imposed silence means that the only people I can really discuss this with are either other infertile women (who are often more despondent than I) or the few friends in whom I have confided about my fertility issues.

Its frustrating, this.

And I'm hoping my moodiness is just a sign that ovulation is around the corner.