milestones

I'm 23 weeks pregnant today.

This means that after today, there is a chance my boys could survive outside the womb. Every day after today that chance grows, until I reach 34 weeks, at which point it is likely that they would suffer NO longterm problems as a result of early birth.

Roman, Joel, keep growing strong little guys!!!! I am looking forward to meeting you, but hope you'll hang out in there for another 12 weeks at least!

Taking matters into my own hands

I'm tired of being chastised at the doctor's office for my blood pressure--which is elevated because I am nervous about them chastising me about my blood pressure!!!!

So I bought a blood pressure monitor from amazon.com today and I am going to monitor my BP daily and keep a log listing the date, time taken, mood, etc. I'm going to take the log to my doctor's appointments with me and show them that my BP is usually normal and that their causing me to freak out about it is making it worse!!!

My BP before my scan yesterday was 172 over 95. After the scan it was 130 over 80. yes, I know that 130 systolic is still elevated, but they took my BP immediately after the doctor said "we need to screen you for the heart condition that your sister had." Um, okay, like that's not going to cause my systolic to spike?

I do feel that being able to show the doctors that THEY are the ones causing my elevated BP at the office and that typically it is much lower will help.

High Risk

So, I have my first appointment with a high risk doctor today. I'm pretty nervous about it--not because I fear there is anything wrong with my twins--those little guys are perfect and I just know it. Its more that I am afraid there is something nebulous and indefinable wrong with me (how's that for self esteem).

I'm also nervous about seeing a new doctor who I've never seen before. I'm nervous about being labeled "high risk." Its a term that has come up several times during my pregnancy and it always makes me a little nervous. I guess I'm just nervous in general about the unknown, about having to be my own advocate and the advocate for my two little ones.

I'm nervous about the prospect of bedrest. Some doctors put all twin moms on bedrest. Is this doctor going to be one of those? I really hope not.

So, this morning finds me nervous and agitated, and no amount of meditation or cuddling with the dogs, or feeling my babies kick is settling it down for me. Hopefully work this morning will take my mind off it enough for me to relax a bit before I go.

belly progress report--mama needs a haircut edition

Gawd, I'm huge. Its funny, knowing I now weigh exactly what I weighed back in May when I discovered I am pregnant, but looking in the mirror and seeing a completely different body.

By fundal height I'm measuring somewhere around 32 weeks, so about ten weeks ahead (normal for twins). I'm feeling pretty good in the mornings, with a steady decline in energy over the course of the day.

I am plagued by braxton hicks contractions in the evenings, so I am doing my best to relax at night to keep those at bay. After a scary 6 BH contractions in an hour the other night, I am trying to be much more conscious of my hydration later in the day. I am faithfully drinking my 64+ oz. of water in a day, but even so, most of that is earlier in the day, and falls off after my commute home.

I am so over getting dressed in the mornings. Maternity clothes suck. I just want to wear something that looks sharp and draws attention away from the fact that I need a haircut desperately--and that my highlights are a year old. I know it's vain, but I don't want to be that pregnant woman who looks slovenly and ill-put-together because nothing fits but the yoga pants.

Alas, nothing fits but the yoga pants. :(

Are we there yet?

In this day and age

Are professional people still judged poorly for deciding to leave the paid workforce to stay home with their children? Why is it assumed that if you spend your child's early years caring for them instead of leaving them in someone else's care, that you become useless as an employee when you rejoin the paid workforce?

Are the skills of caring for another human being not transferrable to the "career world"? I'd think communicating with the non-verbal would be about as useful as it gets in the business world.

Enjoying the end of life as we know it.

Fall is coming. We put the fan in the window for the first time last night. Petra snuck up into the bed with us in the wee hours of the morning for some cuddle time. This wakes me up, but I don't mind. We've been doing this for years--I know to expect it, when it gets cold enough to put the fan in the window. I look forward to it. I'll miss my early morning cuddles with the little stinker in the time between when the babies arrive and when they start crib sleeping. during that time, the bed will be off limits to Petra, and while I doubt I will have the energy or the time to be anything but glad I don't have to worry about her being too close to the babies, I am a little sad now for the anticipated change in our routine. I'm sad for Petra, who doesn't want her life to change. I wish I could tell her what is happening, what it means to me. But instead I just lift the blankets when she comes seeking, and I let her settle down next to my ever-expanding belly, and I snuggle her close. My first baby.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d-!

It is amazing that of which the human body is capable.

I look down at my shiny, stretched-out belly. I feel tight in a way I've never felt before. Taking a breath can hurt, and a yawn is torture. But still, I stretch.

I have this vision in my head of reaching 36 weeks and my tight, stretched skin cracking and peeling back with the force of the growth, and Roman and Joel just popping right out. Hello boys! Somebody please fetch the king's horses and the king's men to put humpty-dumpty back together again.

I wonder what it will feel like, 14 or 15 weeks from now, when the boys arrive. Will my skin have stretched so much that there are stretchmarks from my hip to my ribs? Will my displaced organs seek places of refuge under my arms or above my collar bone?

Will my heart be able to bear the strain of loving three people as much as I love my husband and my two sons? Right now, I feel that organ stretching too. It strains under the weight of this thing, becoming a parent. I read about parenthood, and I cry. I see small children playing and I stifle the tears. I look at nursery furniture online and can't hold the tears back. Hormones, they say. I think maybe the hormones help the heart to stretch.

On another note, the boys have discovered my ribs in earnest over the weekend. The kicking was almost ceaseless, and I could watch a little appendage cross my skin just before landing a solid "thump" against my rib. While wincing and chuckling--how precocious my little ones are--I couldn't help but be amazed all over again at the wonders of the human body.

The Naming Of Things

Or of people, anyway... I just wanted to get a little Andrew Bird in my head this morning...

Our boys have tentative names. We're "living with them" for a couple of days, but I feel settled, and I think Mark does too. Our boys will be Joel Cutler Benson and Roman Conrad Benson.

I'm really thrilled with these names, and starting to think of the boys as Joel and Roman. Giving them names makes them seem less like little aliens and more like little men.

Belly progress report & road trip

Belly progress: still weighing in at 136. starting two protein drinks daily. Obviously the boys are growing, but I need to make sure they get enough nutrition to keep up this growth, especially since there is a chance they could arrive before 34 weeks. I really want them big and strong when they arrive!

Preparing for a trip to visit the inlaws this weekend. This will be Hank's first long car ride since we got him in March. He is going to have to sit on the backseat of the truck, with Chani and Petra in beds on the floor by the backseat. Hopefully, this will be one of my last road trips during pregnancy. Riding in the car is very uncomfortable after about an hour. Josh's wedding in Hilton Head Nov. 3rd is my LAST trip out of town, period--and at least I'll have my mercedes for that trip.

damn my bladder

Another sleepless, night. It started propped up into a half-sitting position because of the reflux. My fundus is now just under my ribcage, so I'm getting kicks to the ribs (which don't hurt yet) and heartburn (which does) and the odd sensation that if I burp, I'll throw up too. The half-propped up position gave way to the proper "sleeping on left side" position. As soon as I felt comfortable, I begain to drift off to sleep and felt a little *tug* on my bladder. It was just a tiny spasm, but I knew that if I ignored it, I'd feel another one soon.

Blankets off, extricate myself from the pillows, waddle to the bathroom, trip over Petra in the dark (she is so over sharing the bed with my pillows she usually moves to the floor early in the evening).

Back to bed. Pillow on left side is still retaining heat from my body and I'm warm from the exertion of getting up. Ick. Roll over, lay on right side. Wide awake.

Count sheep. no, really. Count sheep.

Drift....

*tug*

Are you fucking kidding me?

*TUG* *SPASM* *TUG*

Much quicker this time, blankets off, dig out from between/under/around pillows. Waddle. dodge dog. hit laundry basket.

Back to bed.

Count sheep.

Drift.

Reflux.

Prop.

Drift.

*TUG*

sigh....

Yay! We have one name!

And... it's Joel!

:D

No middle name yet, but that's just a matter of time. :)

As for the other child, the names in contention are Oliver, Donovan and Nathaniel. We'll see where those take us.

Argh!!!! Lost two lbs. again.

I am so frustrated with my inability to gain weight. Before pregnancy, this would have seemed to be a blessing. Now it just worries me ceaselessly. I am eating, I SWEAR I am eating. Sometimes huge amounts of food. Dense, calorie-rich foods like cheese and eggs and ice cream. Sugary foods like fruit and juice. Vegetables, dairy, steak and potatoes for crying out loud. Baby back ribs and corn on the cob with real butter.

I just want to gain a little bit. A lb or two a week, from now until the end. What is it going to take to get there? I would love to be 170 when I deliver, just like the doctor suggested. That would have me gaining 35 lbs between now and delivery. What's it going to take?

wondering, wondering...

is the money anxiety every going to go away? how do we figure out how much is enough? How on earth do people who are less financially secure than we are EVER manage to raise children? (not passing judgment on the less financially-secure, just honestly trying to understand how they do it, because I could use some tips!!!)

While our financial situation is very healthy for two relatively young people (more asset than debt, etc.) Living off one income is hard enough it just being the two of us. Add in two more, and it seems like such a daunting task! I've been drawing up a budget, and just don't see us supporting our current lifestyle with two babies on the way.

And I'm not talking about dinners out and expensive bottles of wine, we don't anticipate much of THAT happening with two little ones. I'm talking about the 800 channels of TV and the high-speed internet. We've decided to get rid of HBO. We have been watching it regularly for years now, but with most of the programming we've loved cancelled or otherwise gone into the great TV beyond, we don't enjoy it as much, and it certainly isn't worth spending even more money on!

But we are still regular TV watchers (Mark is more than I am, but he can't settle himself with a book or a craft project the way I can) so we don't plan to eliminate the cable TV entirely. I think I'm going to shop around for better deals than what we have through comcast.

But what about high speed internet? Can I really give this up? Can I be a stay at home mom without this line to the outside world? Without my flickr and my blogger and my gmail and my message boards and my one click free-shipping shopping on Amazon.com?

If I must, I will. But I think I'm going to wait on that.

discomfort

Generally, I feel pretty good most days, but I've started having back pain from sleeping in the prescribed "left side" position. Last night before bed My lumbar spine was hurting, so I made sure to cushion under my belly and behind my hips/lower back really well with pillows. This felt good and I was able to sleep pretty well (potty breaks not withstanding--watching a pregnant woman try and navigate her way out of her pillow supports would be pure comedy). But I woke up this morning with pain in my cervical spine. I really cannot wait to sleep on my belly again!!!!

Naming anxiety

I still think I'm winning on Joel.

I have a lot of anxiety over the whole name thing. I feel like its one thing we can have control over, and I want to have control over as much as possible, and its the one thing to which Mark is completely resistant!

The kids have to have names, but he seems terrified to even think about it. I bought him a name book yesterday. He looked at it for all of 15 minutes before he said "That's enough, I'm done for now."

Um, no, that's not enough. He looked at it for 15 minutes, said he liked the name Jack and he liked Samuel (both of which we had already discussed and discarded weeks ago for various reasons) and then that was it. No progress, nothing new at all!

I just wish I could make him understand how important this is to me--but every time I try he remembers something "urgent" he needs to do in the garage, gets up, and leaves the room.

We're going to be that family in the hospital where the kids don't have names until we have to fill out the discharge paperwork. :(

Belly Progress Report

Big and round this morning! :D

Team blue is feeling pretty good this morning. I'm still a little sore from the ultrasound--when the anatomy scan is done, there is lots of pushing and prodding at the abdomen to get the babies to move or to view their organs from different positions. Baby A was not so cooperative, so my right side in particular is feeling a little tender. Not to mention my belly button which is feeling insanely sensitive today. (maybe its going to pop soon!) The boys are quiet today--not much movement/kicking. They do have a tendency to get quiet whenever they're about to hit a big growth spurt, so I imagine I'm in for some stretching soon. Still awaiting the appearance of stretchmarks...

I picked out the changing table and cribs I want at IKEA (normally I hate IKEA, but felt I should definitely not spend lots of $$ on baby furniture to be used for only a couple of years). In a couple of weeks, we'll head to IKEA in Atlanta to purchase them and bring them home and set them up. I would have ordered them online but shipping costs are over $150, so that sort of negates the savings!

We are still at a complete loss for names. And I can't find my name book. I'm still pulling for "Joel" as the name for one of them--and I'm pretty sure I can win this one.

Blue, times Two

We're expecting two boys!

Oh, how to digest all of how I feel about this.

First--I'm excited--I have two healthy babies, and I am envisioning them playing sports together and hanging out, and hopefully being each other's closest friends. Mark is talking about putting a half-pipe in the back yard! I'm hoping that they will probably not be reluctant to try wakeboarding and snowboarding, and all the more "dangerous" sports that Mark and I enjoy. I'm looking forward to teaching them how to tie ties and knowing that some day, these little kickboxers inside me will be taller than me.

Second--I'm a little sad. I'm kind of a girly-girl and I was so sure that I was going to have a little daughter of my own. And I won't. So in a way, I am feeling the loss of this fantasy daughter. It doesn't take away from my happiness over the boys, but it does change it slightly. I'll never help a daughter shop for a prom dress or help her decide which shoes look best with it. That's okay, but I do feel sad about it. Of course, I'll never have to pay for a wedding either, so there's that.

Third--what the heck are we going to name these two little guys????