Two weeks postpartum

I feel great. My incision itches, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I shared my birth story on Roman and Joel's blog http://thebensontwins.blogspot.com

Long story short, I labored for almost 24 hours before having an emergency c-section due to a fever (mine) and fetal distress from both babies as a result of my fever. The fever was gone shortly after their birth--I was on IV antibiotics for 48 hours from the time of my section, and for a few hours before the boys were born.

The boys are doing great, they are BIG and healthy. And sooo sweet. I am truly very lucky to have such sweet little babies.

I have lost all my pregnancy weight, though I'm not allowed to exercise yet, so I may gain some of it back before my 6 week postpartum checkup. Hopefully at 6 weeks pp, I'll be allowed to exercise again, because dieting while breastfeeding is impossible--I am hungry constantly, and only large quantities of food will stave off the hunger!

Looking forward for the next months, I am filled with hope and feelings of joy. My heart is fuller than it has ever been.

huge, unruly belly

I am now reaching epic proportions. My belly is huge--and it moves almost constantly.

I don't know how much longer I'll be pregnant, but at this point there is nothing left to do but wait. And wait some more.

Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself

I just need to read back through some of the more difficult times I wrote about on this blog. The fertility drugs, the anxiety, the pain at the thought of never having children.

The reminders of all of those things bring me back to "center". And in the grand scheme, having a head cold that won't go away and spending Christmas apart from my family are not the worst things in the world.

I have so much to be thankful for today, that I feel a little guilty for wasting an ounce of my time or energy feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I feel pretty rotten (those of us who "never get sick" are the biggest cry-babies on the planet when we do), and a little lonely, but I have two amazing little boys growing under my heart, sharing my body for a few last days. I have a husband to love and be loved by in return. I have three furry babies who keep me amused with their antics, and settle my restlessness with their cuddling and their gentle, wordless love.

I am blessed with hope for the future, a warm and happy home, and the knowledge that my work, as an incubator, is nearly done, and my work as a mother just beginning.

While anxious and a bit afraid of what the immediate future will bring--the unknowns of giving birth, I am also finding a certain serenity, knowing it is inevitable, that whether I fear or embrace the pain will affect how I perceive and experience it, that it is within my control, and that after all is said and done, I will have not only my boys to hold, but a new understanding of my self and my body.

Impatience and patience are tangled up together now, and I work through them like a knot, untangling this little bit of patience, and then that little bit of impatience, and experiencing both with a curious duality that I didn't know existed in my nature.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, now and in the future, I can find this post, my Christmas post the year that I was pregnant, and remember how blessed I am.

Ugh....sick

A head cold for the first time I can remember in YEARS! While I'm expecting to go into labor at any minute!

I am being very conscious of germs right now and wiping my hands with Purell before touching anything that will touch the babies after they arrive, especially since they are likely to be small and maybe early. While I am hoping this is just rhinitis and that it is NOT an infection of any kind, I figure it can't hurt to be too careful.

My newest batch of cloth diapers arrived yesterday--they are the bumgenius one-size diapers. They were expensive, even on sale, but they will definitely pay for themselves in the long run. They are so soft and cute, and I love that the boys will be able to wear them until they are 35 lbs. We only have 12 of them, so at first the plan is to use prefolds and wraps during the day and the BGs at night--easier to fumble with when tired. I really should have all the diapers the boys will ever need now. What a great feeling, to have that taken care of!

Fat babies have no pride

I am carrying 11 lbs of baby right now. The ultrasound tech pointed out the boys' fat rolls to me. Wow are those little guys quickly turning into BIG guys!!! The midwife seems to think I'm going to deliver within the next three weeks.

Hallelujah.

"Fat Babies have no pride
That's okay, who needs pride?"
-Lyle Lovett

Weeks, if not days

We've scheduled our hospital tour for Wednesday night, and I have an ultrasound (my last?) scheduled for thursday morning.

I hit the thirty-four week mark on thursday, and that means no turning back! If I go into labor after thursday, no efforts will be made to stop my labor. This is such a huge week, not just in the boys development, but in the emotional process for me. I can't believe I am so close, finally!

Two years ago, Mark and I decided we wanted to have a baby. We thought, like many people think, that it would happen easily, quickly. I stopped taking birth control and we decided to "see what happens."

What happened was pretty much nothing! For a LONG time! Now, after all that waiting, the fertility treatments, the wondering, we are about to have not one, but two babies in our arms.

At this point, its hard to say how I feel. Anxious, excited, a little overwhelmed and intimidated. I am very much aware of how far we've all come--Me, Mark, and they little ones.

Life is good.

What is all this going to mean for blogging about infertility? Well, as an infertility blogger, I believe I'll be hanging up my hat. I'll also probably not blog about pregnancy in the future--except in nostalgia. I'll probably change the look and feel of this blog, as well as the tagline, but the title will stay the same. Hope does feel good, and after all the times I nearly lost hope, I have the rest of my lifetime to see it on the faces of my two little boys.

belly progress report

I think I'm officially huge now. And because everyone insists that "From behind, you don't look pregnant!" I included my booty shot. ;)

Can I have my brain back, please?

I'm so tired of crying over every little thing that happens, and I'm really, really tired of being a nasty bitch to everyone. I try and bite it back and hold it in and not be such a royal pain in the ass, and then I explode in a spectacular display of hormonal neediness.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at my behavior today, and I really think that sometimes pregnancy brings out the worst in me.

"The days go by, just like they know me"

Okay, its starting to scare me how I lose track of time know. A minute ago it was 8AM, I was finishing breakfast and paying the bills online while waiting for it to be after 9 so that I could run errands without getting caught in traffic.

Now its almost noon, I am wondering WhereTF the time went, and why am I still on this stupid chair with my computer in my lap.

"The days go by, just like they know me
they know just how to get my goat
they kiss me hard and then grab me by the throat
then they sail away in a little boat
westerly..."
(greg brown)

How will it go, when it goes?

Will I wake up, in the middle of the night, needing something unfamiliar and realizing that the pressure, the pain, they are different from all the times before?

Will I go to a routine doctor's appointment and be sent from there to the hospital?

Will my water break?

Will I schedule a c-section and arrive at the hospital with a fresh pedicure and shaved legs?

Will I spend a day not unlike today? surrounded by the soft noises of dogs sleeping and snoring and dreaming? Music from a distant part of the house? The sounds of Mark cleaning something, a car, a floor, a fish tank? Will I watch Hank's toes twitch with his dreaming, hearing his soft hooting noises that would be barks if he were awake? Will I sing off-key as I wash the dishes and sort the laundry, the way I love to sing, loudly, brashly, with no one here to acknowledge how badly I sing? Will that day go on in my typical routine while inside I wonder if I should be timing contractions?

It could be a day like today. How will I say goodbye to our routine?

Post-Thanksgiving

A quiet thanksgiving at home yesterday. The smoked turkey was lovely, the stuffing perfect.

The kitchen is a mess because we left it in our turkey-drugged stupor to watch James Bond movies from the couch the rest of the afternoon.

Late at night I woke up from a vivid dream about food (specifically some kind of weird dead dried up fish someone was trying to get me to eat) to terrible reflux--the kind where stomach acid pours up into your throat. I had a hard time getting comfortable after that.

31 weeks pregnant now--only a few more weeks to go. I'm filled with impatience and excitement.

So damn tired

Last night I was contracting every 5-7 minutes while watching TV, so at 11 pm, I hopped in the bath tub with a 34 oz. bottle of water by my side and lay there for about an hour, drinking water the whole time. The contractions slowed to one every 10-15 minutes or so, so I got out, dried off, and went to bed.

And proceeded to get up to pee every 10 minutes for the rest of the night.

With these episodes of frequent contractions growing more common, I can't help but feel the boys are getting ready to show up within the next 4-6 weeks.

Get ready Mama, babies are coming!

Under no circumstances...

*warning, parental discretion advised. This post contains frank discussion of certain anatomical changes brought about by pregnancy. Yeah, THOSE changes. Cover the kiddos eyes, and if you don't want to hear about my ass, don't read any further.

So, I thought I might have hemorrhoids, a couple of weeks ago, but the certain awful sensations dissipated (or I grew accustomed to them) so I forgot about the thought that had crossed my mind..."Hey pregosaurus, you might have hemorrhoids!"

So today, I decided to do a little femmescaping. Nothing major, its not like I can see it, I just wanted to trim the hedges a bit because I had this funny thought that since my body hair has slowed in growth drastically, if I trim now, maybe I won't be jungleriffic when I deliver, and someone actually sees my bidness.

So, I mustered all my courage and got out the hand mirror and the beard trimmers and set to work. First note, at this point, I am large enough that my belly actually folds OVER my pubic hair a bit. It is damn near impossible to hold your belly up, hold a mirror, and work the trimmer at the same time. And don't think you can hold the mirror with your feet. It just does. not. work.

So, after deciding to trim that part blind, I moved on to the rest of it, which was fairly uneventful, once I figured out the mirror direction thing.

Then, as I was finishing up, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and though, "huh, what is THAT?"

Yeah, I moved the mirror. I looked. I saw.

I could have lived a long happy life without knowing what hemorrhoids look like. That image had always been somewhat vague and imaginary before. Now it is a reality burned into my brain forever, and I am horribly, terribly unnerved by it.

So, if you are pregnant, and you think you might have hemorrhoids, take my advice. Pay for a wax, or have your partner do your grooming for you. And set up a strict don't ask/don't tell policy with your partner.

And whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, hold a mirror anywhere near your pooper.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d

I don't want to be one of those pregnant women who complains about being pregnant, but holy crap my belly hurts!

No one really ever tells you how it feels. My ribs are spreading and my sternum has turned up at the end like the end of a ski, leaving a burning/stinging/itchy sensation along the top of my bump where it meets my boobs, which are being held in a pretty perky position even without a bra by my hugeness. This sensation really feels like the itchiest rash ever combined with a pulled muscle.

Meanwhile, below the bump, there is some stretching pain in the groin, radiating up around my belly. This is pubic diastasis, and it ain't fun! Basically, everything is spreading, everything hurts.

I tried to explain to Mark, I am NOT totally miserable all the time. I'm just in pain and uncomfortable. I'm truly ecstatically happy--but all the joy in the world doesn't prevent a person from feeling pain. In two months, my boys will be here and this particular pain will be done.

I can handle it for two months. Just don't expect me to get anywhere in a hurry.

Hello Third Trimester!

28 weeks today babies!

Woo-hoo!

Went and got myself a pedicure, took the dogs to the boarding kennel for the weekend, and I am SO READY to go to the beach for Josh's wedding.

I have had so much anxiety wrapped up in whether or not I would be allowed to travel for this wedding, I think I will be so relaxed when its over, but I am REALLY looking forward to the weekend.

The Bad and the Good

Last Saturday night I had contractions 6 minutes apart, so I went to the hospital, where I spent the night. I was out of town for my baby shower, so my husband was 4 hours away, so my Dad came to the hospital with me. By the time we got up to L&D the contractions were 2 minutes apart, so I was given a shot of terbutaline to stop them (it worked) put on IV fluids and monitored through the night. I was given a fetal fibronectin test, which was negative, indicating that I won't go into labor within the next two weeks. They also checked my cervix and said everything felt good.

So, a whirlwind few days later, back in the ATL, I had a growth scan and midwife/OB appt. My cervix measure 5.4 centimeters, so whatever happened the other night did not affect it at all, which is really good news. The boys are close to 3 lbs. EACH. WHOA! I can't believe there is almost 6 lbs. of baby inside me right now!!! And I was right, baby B has rotated into a head-down position, which explains a lot of the motion (commotion) I feel.

I took down the studio background today--got to get that nursery started! I'm going to look into moving the "studio" into the guest room instead, but may end up doing outdoor shots for my belly photos this week, maybe. Since I skipped last week's belly shot, I figure I need to do something different and new this week!

99 days left

99 days left until my 40 week due date.

Wow, it's getting close. :)

Anniversary Dinner

Last night Mark and I went out to dinner at my most favoritest place in order to celebrate our anniversary (which is actually Thursday). I had a filet so good it made me want to cry. The demi-glace was perfect--it made me want to lick my plate.

I can't believe we've been married 4 years already. Wow. Just Wow. Every year on our anniversary, I tried on the top part of my wedding dress to see if I could still fit in it, and every year I could. This year, I won't be trying that little experiment. :) Wouldn't be fair to my boobs. Or my gigantabelly. Or the dress, for that matter.

I'm feeling restless with regards to my body. I know that the roundness is a temporary state, and I am fine with that and everything that comes with it. In fact, in some ways, I love my body more than I ever have before. But I look in the mirror, and I see the muscles in my arms and legs and butt have been wasting away. I'm getting thin in places I used to be strong. I'm worried that I'm getting weak, soft. I'm worried that I'm losing bone mass. I worry about the long term effects of the appetite troubles I've had since being pregnant.

I am thinking about a post partum exercise plan, and floundering because I still don't know what I'll be capable of doing. I know I won't be allowed to resume full activity until after 6 weeks PP. At that point, I would like to start running in the evenings when Mark comes home from work. I'd also like to set a bike trainer up in my house for use while the twins sleep. Between cycling and running, I feel like I should be able to get my cardio health back up to speed relatively quickly. I know a marathon is probably out of the question at least while I'm still breastfeeding, and that's okay. I have other fitness goals for myself now--mostly revolving around raising children in a household with a firm commitment to health as a part of happiness. If they see their parents exercise and workout as a normal part of life, they will be likely to be more active themselves. That's one of the best gifts I can give them.

belly progress report

Huge...and hungry.

I am finally, at 25 1/2 weeks developing an appetite. I see this as a good development!

oof!

That was quite the kick to the ribs there buddy.

I believe, from the way things are feeling in there (numerous strong kicks to both sides of my ribcage), that Baby B has turned and that both babies are head down.

Meanwhile, I have my consent forms and pre-admission paperwork for the hospital ready to be filled out and have little panic attacks every time I sit down to do the paperwork. It sucks, as I am the "paperwork" spouse: I fill out forms (for him too), I pay the bills, I schedule appointments for me, him, and the dogs. I did all the RE paperwork and so on.

Now, I am 25 weeks pregnant, and scared to death to fill out three little one-page forms. I don't want to fill out the c-section form because it makes it seem so final. I don't want to fill out the vaginal birth form because I want a c-section. I don't want to fill out the pre-admission paperwork because then i have to fill out the other two.

I have mostly packed the hospital bag, still need to get a few more items for the babies' portion of the bag, and pick some clothes for me to wear home from the hospital. I even have Mark's clothes packed, but not my own. Of course, he won't have an incision and a bleeding hoo-ha to deal with, so his clothes were easy. ;) The bag is going in the trunk of my car next week and remaining there until delivery. Wow, what a weird thought. Within three months from now, I will have gone to the hospital and produced two little men, out of my own body.

In some ways, I'm really looking forward to having sole possession of the premises again, and I am just dying to meet my little boys. However, I know I am going to miss this time with them--the awe of feeling them move inside me (at least when they are being gentle). But I won't miss the fear, the anxiety. I know there will be new fears, new anxieties, but this fear, this anxiety will be past.