Don't wanna pee on a stick yet...

8 DPO. Possibly early enough to have a + HPT, but not likely. Someone, please give me the strength to hold off until at least 12 DPO!!! I don't know if I can make it 4 more days!

Tonight

+ OPK today. Woo-hoo! Mark is coming back in town after being gone since Sunday. I'm totally planning to jump his bones the minute he walks through the door.

This being our last cycle trying to conceive naturally, I am really hoping this does this trick. I just got the EOB from my HSG, and it cost $1600!!! luckily, insurance paid for it. The blood tests I had done last cycle (also covered) came to over $3000. As soon as we start an IUI cycle, nothing is covered, so I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle is the one that counts!

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

Heart
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

A.S. Byatt's "Posession" is quoted frequently throughout Audrey Niffenegger's novel, "The Time Traveler's Wife." The Time Traveler's Wife is romantic, striking, and manages to break and warm your heart all at once. After reading it, I read Posession.

Posession is beautifully written, particularly when dealing with the fleeting moments that make up a love story.

Love is not finding someone you can live with. It is finding someone you cannot live without. Life being so short and fleeting, you want to spend every moment with that person.

I am so blessed, to have Mark as my partner in this short life. We make our way together, sometimes shoving our way through the difficult parts, sometimes dancing through the joyful ones. And together, we are finding some manner of peace, and hope.

This is our last cycle of trying to conceive naturally. Beginning next cycle, I will be taking injections to be followed with an intrauterine insemination. In some ways, this knowledge has freed up our sex life to be about intimacy and love again, as opposed to being simply about procreation, which after over a year of trying to get pregnant, it had grown tired, cold. I feel like now I am rediscovering my marriage, my husband, and myself.

"This is where I have been coming to, since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." A.S. Byatt

HSG done today

I had the HSG done today. It was far more painful than I expected, however, the radiologist believes the reason it was painful was because there was an obstruction in one tube. They forced more dye through, and the obstruction came clear. My tubes are both open and everything looked good.

There's a lot of cramping, and a lot of blood, but the procedure only took a few minutes, and that's a small price to pay for some peace of mind. :)

Hysterosalpingogram

Well, I am scheduled for an HSG next week. I am dreading it--I hate to be such a baby about it, but I am honestly scared. Not so much scared that it will hurt, more just scared that I'll find out more bad news.

Race Report

Post Race
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

So, yesterday I ran the Mercedes Benz Marathon in Birmingham, Alabama. I had one simple goal: to finish the race without walking.

At the beginning I had one main concern: not going out too fast. I wanted to run 11:30 miles for the entire race. I hit the first mile mark in 9:40. Whoops! At this point, I decided whats done is done, I'm just going to go with it. And I kept running, and I kept going with a steady effort.

The first major hill came around mile 4 and peaked right before mile 6. It was a long, tough climb, and I passed a lot of people at this point. I felt strong. I crossed the half marathon mark and looked down at my watch, which read 2:16. The fastest I've ever run a half marathon right there. I still felt really strong going into the second half of the race, and my spirits were way up!

Somewhere between mile 17 and mile 18, I saw Mo, and she jumped in with me and started to run alongside me. I was beginning to hurt at this point, but still felt pretty good, considering I'd been running for 18 miles! The next major hill came at mile 21, and it got really mean at mile 22, before dropping into a quad-busting descent at mile 23. At this point, I was starting to suffer a side stitch, and slowed way down.

But I kept running, breathing deep into my belly to stetch out my diaphragm and ease the stitch. At mile 25, I took a beer from the hash house harriers, had a couple of swigs and handed it to Mo, who finished it off. At this point, with just a mile to go, I was beginning to get a little emotional. I rounded the corner and went across the first of two timing mats, and I heard the announcer say "And coming across the finish now is Aimee from Atlanta GA!" And I was across the finish line, stopping my watch, stopping my run. I was given a T-shirt and the medal you see me wearing in the picture, and the timing chip was cut from my shoe.

I finished my third marathon with a personal best time over 17 minutes faster than I've ever run a marathon before. And I didn't take any walk breaks.

I am still elated today, if rather sore. And, my period is two days late, so I'm headed back to the store for more pregnancy tests.

Good News, Bad News, Thursday Edition

Bad news: I'm not pregnant.

Good news: I can run the marathon on Sunday.

fatigue + hunger

I am not sure whether its pre-marathon jitters, or 2ww jitters, or what, but I am tremedously hungry and tired today. I put away a half a pint of Ben and Jerrys before lunch, and now that I've napped, I'm thinking lasagna for lunch. Did I mention I ate two plates of lasagna for dinner last night?

So weird, knowing that next week I'll either be pregnant or I'll be running a marathon. I'm amazed I can sleep at all!

What a week

Saturday morning, Mark and I discovered our brand new home had been broken into while we slept. The theives took our wakeboards, our snowboards, and the very special Ashland Longboard that I had made for Mark for his graduation present.

The design on the board featured a star and an anchor, to symbolize our relationship. He is represented by the star, the dreamer, the risk taker. I am represented by the anchor, the steady, the cautious, the grounded. Some punk kid is riding around on our marriage.

Tuesday I ran 22 miles. It was a good run, a good prep for the race in a few weeks.

Today when we woke up, the truck wouldn't start. Its leaking massive quantities of oil. We're down to one working vehicle until this weekend, when mark fixes the radiator in the miata.

And, I'm due to ovulate any minute now--I had a positive OPK, and for the first time, I've had loads of EWCM. Fingers crossed that this is the cycle that changes everything. :)

Thirteen

"Whoa, that's a lot of vials! are they all for me?"
"yes, but I'll make it go quickly."
"How many are there"
"Thirteen."
"Thirteen? You know I just had blood drawn three days ago, right? Is this safe?"
"Perfectly. How are you feeling?"

a good night's sleep

There's nothing like it in the world, is there?

Metformin seems to completely negate the insomnia effect of the Clomid. I slept so good and so hard, and I feel so utterly refreshed. And have not experienced any side effects from the met. Of course, its just one dose, but I was told my body would adjust within a week, so if I'm not feeling side effects after the first dose, my body may not need to adjust.

So far, I'm feeling really hopeful about this course of treatment. And, of course, seeing an RE next month.

Life could not be more unfair.

I am due to start my period on February 11th. The day of my marathon.

Somebody in the cosmos thinks this is funny, but I don't.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

My evil gynecologist has retired.

I've spent the last hour on the phone with three different doctor's offices trying to coordinate an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. And now I feel like complete shit. Why are they so mean? Why can't they just be NICE to people?

Anyway, long story short, I'm not going to be able to see an RE until the end of February, which means I won't be able to get any treatment until two cycles from now. I'm so upset, I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I know part of this is the clomid, that its affecting my mood and making me more upset. And now I'm wondering if I should even be TAKING this clomid at all, and I just want a normal life again.

I wish I didn't want to have kids. I wish I could shed my want like a snake sheds its skin.
I'd make an awful buddhist. because, while I recognize that they are right, the root of all suffering is desire, I can't seem to let go of this thing.

30

I was driving down the road last night, headed back from the grocery store, and thinking about the state of my life. I'm going to be thirty in just under 8 months. I have a house and a bunch of cars and a husband and all my friends are married (except for Ana who just got engaged last week) and most of us are trying to have kids, and several have kids already.

And I realized, all my "problems" and dramas are so adult, so pedestrian, so boring.

I mean for god's sake, infertility Aimee??? Where the fuck are your rock star credentials? Turn in your cool card right now lady. Yeah, so what if you run marathons--running marathons is not cool, it's geeky in an "I love pain" kind of way. Nope, a ten year old tattoo is not going to earn you any leeway on this. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, get your ass to midlife purgatory and start figuring out how you can be any more like your parents. Maybe take up knitting.

30. For fuck's sake. When did you get the idea that it would be okay to grow up? When did you stop playing around and get serious? When did you start worrying about your liver, of all things? (and don't pretend you're not, I'm inside your head, I know these things).

30. You don't even read cosmo anymore. Now you just read Elle Decor and Shape and Runner's World. (geek)

30. You have more recipes than your mother.

30. You actually choose wine based on taste, not because it has a cool bottle.

30. Fucking geezer.

I'm running a marathon in less than 5 weeks

I am going to complete my third marathon in three years, my third marathon by age 30. My third marathon. the nerves are starting to set in. Four months ago I had never run more than 10 miles without stopping to walk. On Sunday, I ran 22 miles, in the rain, no walk breaks.

I told myself before every long run, "If you found out you were pregnant tomorrow and couldn't do the race, this should be a run you can be proud of." Well, I'm proud of every run I've done in training for this race, and I'm going to be proud of the race too.

Training for a marathon is a journey of self-discovery. Even though I've done this twice before, I've learned new things about myself now. I've learned that pride is a better motivator than fear. I've learned that the body will do what is asked, as long as it is asked nicely. I've learned that I am capable of more than I had ever believed.

Anything is possible. Hope feels good.

Day One.

immer wieder

12 DPO Negative pregnancy tests

This morning I was very nauseous immediately after getting up. It went away when I ate a chocolate chip cookie. Sort of. It didn't completely go away, but it went away a lot.

I also have been experiencing very strange cramps for about 12 hours now. They are down very low, and they don't feel like menstrual cramps.

I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. I am going out of my mind thinking that every little twinge and ache I feel might be a symptom. Also, the skin between my breasts is lumpy this morning. Not like a rash, just weird. Like the skin texture has changed. So on top of being 2WW worried, I have this lumpy boob thing to occupy my already anxiety-addled brain.

+ OPK, preseed, and properly ordered orgasms....

My work for the evening is done. ;)

Oh goodness.

So, I'm taking clomid for the third time, and I've recently read that Clomid builds up in your system and you can still feel side effects for up to 6 months after taking it.

Well, I'm experiencing far more side effects this time than I have the last two times. Mainly an irrational lightning-quick temper. I go from sweet as pie to enraged in seconds flat. And the provocation needn't be large to unleash an absolute fury. I feel like I'm watching someone else react to the situations in which I find myself, someone I don't know and to whom I can't relate.

So bear with me if I seem a bit irrational these days, I'm working on it.

BIG temp drop

Oh thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was going to need to go on provera again. My temp was 97.0 this morning, a sure sign that today would be a good day to use my Diva Cup.