Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself

I just need to read back through some of the more difficult times I wrote about on this blog. The fertility drugs, the anxiety, the pain at the thought of never having children.

The reminders of all of those things bring me back to "center". And in the grand scheme, having a head cold that won't go away and spending Christmas apart from my family are not the worst things in the world.

I have so much to be thankful for today, that I feel a little guilty for wasting an ounce of my time or energy feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I feel pretty rotten (those of us who "never get sick" are the biggest cry-babies on the planet when we do), and a little lonely, but I have two amazing little boys growing under my heart, sharing my body for a few last days. I have a husband to love and be loved by in return. I have three furry babies who keep me amused with their antics, and settle my restlessness with their cuddling and their gentle, wordless love.

I am blessed with hope for the future, a warm and happy home, and the knowledge that my work, as an incubator, is nearly done, and my work as a mother just beginning.

While anxious and a bit afraid of what the immediate future will bring--the unknowns of giving birth, I am also finding a certain serenity, knowing it is inevitable, that whether I fear or embrace the pain will affect how I perceive and experience it, that it is within my control, and that after all is said and done, I will have not only my boys to hold, but a new understanding of my self and my body.

Impatience and patience are tangled up together now, and I work through them like a knot, untangling this little bit of patience, and then that little bit of impatience, and experiencing both with a curious duality that I didn't know existed in my nature.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, now and in the future, I can find this post, my Christmas post the year that I was pregnant, and remember how blessed I am.

Ugh....sick

A head cold for the first time I can remember in YEARS! While I'm expecting to go into labor at any minute!

I am being very conscious of germs right now and wiping my hands with Purell before touching anything that will touch the babies after they arrive, especially since they are likely to be small and maybe early. While I am hoping this is just rhinitis and that it is NOT an infection of any kind, I figure it can't hurt to be too careful.

My newest batch of cloth diapers arrived yesterday--they are the bumgenius one-size diapers. They were expensive, even on sale, but they will definitely pay for themselves in the long run. They are so soft and cute, and I love that the boys will be able to wear them until they are 35 lbs. We only have 12 of them, so at first the plan is to use prefolds and wraps during the day and the BGs at night--easier to fumble with when tired. I really should have all the diapers the boys will ever need now. What a great feeling, to have that taken care of!

Fat babies have no pride

I am carrying 11 lbs of baby right now. The ultrasound tech pointed out the boys' fat rolls to me. Wow are those little guys quickly turning into BIG guys!!! The midwife seems to think I'm going to deliver within the next three weeks.

Hallelujah.

"Fat Babies have no pride
That's okay, who needs pride?"
-Lyle Lovett

Weeks, if not days

We've scheduled our hospital tour for Wednesday night, and I have an ultrasound (my last?) scheduled for thursday morning.

I hit the thirty-four week mark on thursday, and that means no turning back! If I go into labor after thursday, no efforts will be made to stop my labor. This is such a huge week, not just in the boys development, but in the emotional process for me. I can't believe I am so close, finally!

Two years ago, Mark and I decided we wanted to have a baby. We thought, like many people think, that it would happen easily, quickly. I stopped taking birth control and we decided to "see what happens."

What happened was pretty much nothing! For a LONG time! Now, after all that waiting, the fertility treatments, the wondering, we are about to have not one, but two babies in our arms.

At this point, its hard to say how I feel. Anxious, excited, a little overwhelmed and intimidated. I am very much aware of how far we've all come--Me, Mark, and they little ones.

Life is good.

What is all this going to mean for blogging about infertility? Well, as an infertility blogger, I believe I'll be hanging up my hat. I'll also probably not blog about pregnancy in the future--except in nostalgia. I'll probably change the look and feel of this blog, as well as the tagline, but the title will stay the same. Hope does feel good, and after all the times I nearly lost hope, I have the rest of my lifetime to see it on the faces of my two little boys.

belly progress report

I think I'm officially huge now. And because everyone insists that "From behind, you don't look pregnant!" I included my booty shot. ;)

Can I have my brain back, please?

I'm so tired of crying over every little thing that happens, and I'm really, really tired of being a nasty bitch to everyone. I try and bite it back and hold it in and not be such a royal pain in the ass, and then I explode in a spectacular display of hormonal neediness.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at my behavior today, and I really think that sometimes pregnancy brings out the worst in me.