"Ah, how can we bear it?"

Heart
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

A.S. Byatt's "Posession" is quoted frequently throughout Audrey Niffenegger's novel, "The Time Traveler's Wife." The Time Traveler's Wife is romantic, striking, and manages to break and warm your heart all at once. After reading it, I read Posession.

Posession is beautifully written, particularly when dealing with the fleeting moments that make up a love story.

Love is not finding someone you can live with. It is finding someone you cannot live without. Life being so short and fleeting, you want to spend every moment with that person.

I am so blessed, to have Mark as my partner in this short life. We make our way together, sometimes shoving our way through the difficult parts, sometimes dancing through the joyful ones. And together, we are finding some manner of peace, and hope.

This is our last cycle of trying to conceive naturally. Beginning next cycle, I will be taking injections to be followed with an intrauterine insemination. In some ways, this knowledge has freed up our sex life to be about intimacy and love again, as opposed to being simply about procreation, which after over a year of trying to get pregnant, it had grown tired, cold. I feel like now I am rediscovering my marriage, my husband, and myself.

"This is where I have been coming to, since my time began. And when i go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." A.S. Byatt

HSG done today

I had the HSG done today. It was far more painful than I expected, however, the radiologist believes the reason it was painful was because there was an obstruction in one tube. They forced more dye through, and the obstruction came clear. My tubes are both open and everything looked good.

There's a lot of cramping, and a lot of blood, but the procedure only took a few minutes, and that's a small price to pay for some peace of mind. :)

Hysterosalpingogram

Well, I am scheduled for an HSG next week. I am dreading it--I hate to be such a baby about it, but I am honestly scared. Not so much scared that it will hurt, more just scared that I'll find out more bad news.

Race Report

Post Race
Originally uploaded by Aimee Benson.

So, yesterday I ran the Mercedes Benz Marathon in Birmingham, Alabama. I had one simple goal: to finish the race without walking.

At the beginning I had one main concern: not going out too fast. I wanted to run 11:30 miles for the entire race. I hit the first mile mark in 9:40. Whoops! At this point, I decided whats done is done, I'm just going to go with it. And I kept running, and I kept going with a steady effort.

The first major hill came around mile 4 and peaked right before mile 6. It was a long, tough climb, and I passed a lot of people at this point. I felt strong. I crossed the half marathon mark and looked down at my watch, which read 2:16. The fastest I've ever run a half marathon right there. I still felt really strong going into the second half of the race, and my spirits were way up!

Somewhere between mile 17 and mile 18, I saw Mo, and she jumped in with me and started to run alongside me. I was beginning to hurt at this point, but still felt pretty good, considering I'd been running for 18 miles! The next major hill came at mile 21, and it got really mean at mile 22, before dropping into a quad-busting descent at mile 23. At this point, I was starting to suffer a side stitch, and slowed way down.

But I kept running, breathing deep into my belly to stetch out my diaphragm and ease the stitch. At mile 25, I took a beer from the hash house harriers, had a couple of swigs and handed it to Mo, who finished it off. At this point, with just a mile to go, I was beginning to get a little emotional. I rounded the corner and went across the first of two timing mats, and I heard the announcer say "And coming across the finish now is Aimee from Atlanta GA!" And I was across the finish line, stopping my watch, stopping my run. I was given a T-shirt and the medal you see me wearing in the picture, and the timing chip was cut from my shoe.

I finished my third marathon with a personal best time over 17 minutes faster than I've ever run a marathon before. And I didn't take any walk breaks.

I am still elated today, if rather sore. And, my period is two days late, so I'm headed back to the store for more pregnancy tests.

Good News, Bad News, Thursday Edition

Bad news: I'm not pregnant.

Good news: I can run the marathon on Sunday.

fatigue + hunger

I am not sure whether its pre-marathon jitters, or 2ww jitters, or what, but I am tremedously hungry and tired today. I put away a half a pint of Ben and Jerrys before lunch, and now that I've napped, I'm thinking lasagna for lunch. Did I mention I ate two plates of lasagna for dinner last night?

So weird, knowing that next week I'll either be pregnant or I'll be running a marathon. I'm amazed I can sleep at all!