Cry Baby

19 weeks today! I'm more than halfway to the full-term mark for twins (36 weeks) and a bit on the emotional rollercoaster.

Given--there was a full moon earlier this week (I conceived on the day of the full moon a few months ago) and full moons make ya crazy.

Given--its been a weird week.

But goodness I am crying over the silliest stuff! And the not so silly stuff. It will be such a relief to have this week over with (heh, a recurrent theme this week in my blog).

Hank is headed to the orthopedist today for a neurological evaluation. They may sedate him, so they asked me not to give him any food after 10:30 last night. I cried this morning when I couldn't feed him his breakfast. He wasn't happy about it either. His appointment is not until 11:15, but I am planning to give him a nice big meal just as soon as the doc says its okay. And I REALLY hope they give the poor buddy some stronger painkillers than the anti-inflammatories he's been on. (which they made me stop giving him yesterday, so he's hurting too.)

They are my living children

Mark and I had an argument last night, the first in a long time.

I started it. (I always do, it seems). Of course, I accused him of starting it, and that's when it escalated. What it all came down to though, when we sat down to discuss things rationally, was that we are both really afraid.

For me, the babies are here, they are real, I can feel them moving inside me, I can see my body changing. They aren't a coming attraction that's four months away, they are my living children. They are a presence in my life as real to me (in some ways, more real) as any other person. Naturally, my life is changing as a result of this presence--my eating choices, my clothing choices, and the big one, the choices of what to spend money on when.

For Mark they are still an abstraction--an obsession of mine that he doesn't understand or relate to. He sees them as part of the future, not part of the present. For this reason, he doesn't change his current behavior and habits because it doesn't matter yet.

But it matters to me, and I think while he doesn't understand why now, he understands that it does. I just have to hope he'll understand why eventually. I feel drained and worked up all at the same time. I hate arguing with him.

Love is easy, why can't marriage be easy too?

Pregnancyis scary!

Yesterday at 3:30pm, I had what i thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. My uterus got tight, and I was uncomfortable, but I wouldn't have described it as painful. Over the next 2 hours, they started coming on hard, every 2-3 minutes, and painful, like menstrual cramps. They would take my breath away. I called my OB and they sent me immediately to the ER.

Blood and urine revealed no infection. Thorough transvaginal and abdominal ultrasounds revealed no underlying cause of contraction or pain. My cervix was closed. Both little jumping beans were somersaulting and dancing around, making it difficult for the tech to catch their heartbeats, but eventually it was determined that baby A's heartbeat was 154 and baby B's heartbeat was 169. Both appeared healthy and active. My uterus contracted once while the ultrasound was in progress, but no cause was determined. I was well hydrated, and healthy.

I spent four hours in the ER for pain of indeterminate cause, I still don't have any answers for why I was contracting, but I do have reassurances that the jumping beans are healthy. I go back to the doc for a quick peek at everything on friday.

Pregnancy is scary, but scariest of all is the not knowing, and having no control over what's happening.

Everything Changes

Another example of how everything changes when you're pregnant:

Typically, I like to lie down when I read, on the floor, on my stomach, facing the light source, which typically in the mornings is the large east-facing window in the reading room. Petra usually sleeps on the chair while I read.

Lately, laying on my stomach has become uncomfortable, unless I want to actively feel the babies, which I'll admit, sometimes I do. Unfortunately, my bladder and my stomach don't care for the position, so I can only lay that way for a few minutes at a time.

So I've taken to sitting against the arm of the couch, which is not as relaxing for me, but more comfortable overall--for me. Poor Petra, however, cannot seem to understand that it's okay for her to be "at ease" if I am sitting up, so now I read with her undivided attention on me.

Everything changes.

By the way, this is my 100th post to this blog. I never thought I'd still be posting 100 posts later, but here I am. Another milestone for me: 3 years ago today, I ran my first marathon, an event that changed me in many ways--taught me humility, and taught me to be proud of my accomplishments, all at once. It somehow seemed fitting that change be the subject not just of today's blog post, but also of the self portrait I took for the 365 days project on flickr, so I decided to make this post my flickr post and vice versa.