Reminder: It's time for your Annual Exam!

Since my twins are almost a year (!!!) old now, I received the reminder card in the mail that it is time for my annual exam.

As always, I kind of cringed a bit at the thought. Seriously, after all I went through to get pregnant, why on earth was I bothered at the thought of one tiny swab? I have to laugh at myself sometimes.

So, when I finished laughing at myself, I started thinking. About my babies (who are amazing), about infertility. About trying to get pregnant again.

What, what, what? No ma'am, this uterus has closed up shop!

So why on earth am I contemplating having my IUD removed? Well, several reasons. First and foremost--side effects. I would like to get laid again in this lifetime, and between breastfeeding (yes, they're still breastfeeding) and the IUD, let's just say the libido is a little, well, lacking.

I'm kind of in this weird going green, going natural groove, and wanting to cut down on artifical things in my life. This isn't where I post about my new years resolutions to cowgirl up and quit drinking coffee and alcohol. But if the IUD goes, maybe the zoloft can follow. As for the rest of my vices, well, they give me character.

I seemingly can't put the thought of having another baby out of my head. If I had my IUD removed, and got pregnant immediately, I would be due a few months before the boys second birthday. If I had my IUD removed and got pregnant after 18 months, like last time, it would be more like the boys 3rd birthday.

And if I never got pregnant again, that would be okay. I have the Roe and Joe Show now. And they are wonderful. And waking up right now.

One Hundred Pushups

http://hundredpushups.com/index.html

I've decided to do the 100 pushups challenge. Cheesy? Sure, but I think it will work, and I'm desperate for some kind of new fitness experience. So, today, I did my initial test. This is the first time since my JROTC days--over 13 years ago--that I've done a regular old on the toes pushup. Even in my fitness-freak post college "get all buff before my wedding" days, I did the girly knee pushups.

So, I'm not ashamed to say that I managed 8 "good form" pushups before collapsing. So, I'll officially start "week one" on Wednesday, doing pushups wednesdays, fridays, and sundays. I have no illusions that this is going to completely make over my body. However, I'm not really looking for a physical makeover here--I'm looking for a mental one. A physical challenge has always, for me, been a way to get myself into "the zone" mentally and emotionally. Perhaps in 6 weeks or so, when I've finished the 100 pushup challenge, I'll find myself ready to commit to a running program again. We'll see. :)

Mother's day, part two!

First off, thank you to everyone who reached out to me to comment after my last blog post. I really appreciate the outpouring of support and friendship. :)

A year ago, on Mother's day, I found out I was expecting! I just have so much to be thankful for after the last year. A healthy, full term twin pregnancy--two beautiful baby boys, a husband who is a wonderful partner in this journey called life, and every day brings more!

Postpartum depression

Postpartum depression can strike anytime in the first year after giving birth.

And boy, when it hits, it hits hard. I've always been a sort of easy going sort, but over the past few months, I've found myself becoming increasingly anxious and withdrawn. I found myself crying over small things, obsessing over finances (to the point of spending several hours out of every day worrying about money, doing calculations in my head), and most recently, obsessing over ways in which I might accidentally die. Drowning in the bathtub recurred frequently, as did falling down the stairs and breaking my neck. The bathtub was the one that really got me though, and its the one that finally alerted me to the suspicion that I might be depressed.

So, of course, I took an online quiz. And every single "symptom" applied to me. Some I had chalked up to fatigue, but in all likelihood I've been depressed longer than I thought. SO I called my doctor and I am going to see her on Monday, and we'll talk about medication, and I'm going to get better.

Phantom pregnancy feelings

Four weeks postpartum, I still feel "phantom" pregnancy feelings. Like I'll have gas and think I'm feeling a baby move.

There are so very many bittersweet things about not being pregnant anymore. So many little feelings I'm never going to have again. I've made peace with it, that I'm not planning anymore pregnancies, and "happy accidents" aren't likely with our history. But still, i feel like I've said goodbye to a chapter of my life that was so brief i'm afraid I imagined it. Out of the hell of infertility, I had 9 months of awkward, uncomfortable, anxiety-filled joy.

Now, nothing can compare to the joy I feel when my babies smile their little random smiles at me. Looking down at their sweet sleeping faces fills me with wonder--that my flawed body could have produced such perfection!

My eyes threaten to overflow when I stop to think about where we were a year ago--heading in for the HSG, hoping beyond hope each cycle was going to be "it". I wonder that I will never feel that particular type of hope again. In some ways, that feels safe and wonderfully so--because to not hope that way means I never have to fear having my hopes dashed again. But still, that waiting, hoping, waiting and my pregnancy, together have filled and defined over two years of my life. Now where do we go from here?

Parenthood is full of its own hopes and dreams, and I look forward to exploring those. But I think I will take a while to miss being pregnant, to miss the waddle even. Because it was the culmination of a certain kind of hope I am not likely to feel again.

Now I need to go update the twins' blog with news of their one month appt!
http://thebensontwins.blogspot.com

Two weeks postpartum

I feel great. My incision itches, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I shared my birth story on Roman and Joel's blog http://thebensontwins.blogspot.com

Long story short, I labored for almost 24 hours before having an emergency c-section due to a fever (mine) and fetal distress from both babies as a result of my fever. The fever was gone shortly after their birth--I was on IV antibiotics for 48 hours from the time of my section, and for a few hours before the boys were born.

The boys are doing great, they are BIG and healthy. And sooo sweet. I am truly very lucky to have such sweet little babies.

I have lost all my pregnancy weight, though I'm not allowed to exercise yet, so I may gain some of it back before my 6 week postpartum checkup. Hopefully at 6 weeks pp, I'll be allowed to exercise again, because dieting while breastfeeding is impossible--I am hungry constantly, and only large quantities of food will stave off the hunger!

Looking forward for the next months, I am filled with hope and feelings of joy. My heart is fuller than it has ever been.

huge, unruly belly

I am now reaching epic proportions. My belly is huge--and it moves almost constantly.

I don't know how much longer I'll be pregnant, but at this point there is nothing left to do but wait. And wait some more.

Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself

I just need to read back through some of the more difficult times I wrote about on this blog. The fertility drugs, the anxiety, the pain at the thought of never having children.

The reminders of all of those things bring me back to "center". And in the grand scheme, having a head cold that won't go away and spending Christmas apart from my family are not the worst things in the world.

I have so much to be thankful for today, that I feel a little guilty for wasting an ounce of my time or energy feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I feel pretty rotten (those of us who "never get sick" are the biggest cry-babies on the planet when we do), and a little lonely, but I have two amazing little boys growing under my heart, sharing my body for a few last days. I have a husband to love and be loved by in return. I have three furry babies who keep me amused with their antics, and settle my restlessness with their cuddling and their gentle, wordless love.

I am blessed with hope for the future, a warm and happy home, and the knowledge that my work, as an incubator, is nearly done, and my work as a mother just beginning.

While anxious and a bit afraid of what the immediate future will bring--the unknowns of giving birth, I am also finding a certain serenity, knowing it is inevitable, that whether I fear or embrace the pain will affect how I perceive and experience it, that it is within my control, and that after all is said and done, I will have not only my boys to hold, but a new understanding of my self and my body.

Impatience and patience are tangled up together now, and I work through them like a knot, untangling this little bit of patience, and then that little bit of impatience, and experiencing both with a curious duality that I didn't know existed in my nature.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, now and in the future, I can find this post, my Christmas post the year that I was pregnant, and remember how blessed I am.

Ugh....sick

A head cold for the first time I can remember in YEARS! While I'm expecting to go into labor at any minute!

I am being very conscious of germs right now and wiping my hands with Purell before touching anything that will touch the babies after they arrive, especially since they are likely to be small and maybe early. While I am hoping this is just rhinitis and that it is NOT an infection of any kind, I figure it can't hurt to be too careful.

My newest batch of cloth diapers arrived yesterday--they are the bumgenius one-size diapers. They were expensive, even on sale, but they will definitely pay for themselves in the long run. They are so soft and cute, and I love that the boys will be able to wear them until they are 35 lbs. We only have 12 of them, so at first the plan is to use prefolds and wraps during the day and the BGs at night--easier to fumble with when tired. I really should have all the diapers the boys will ever need now. What a great feeling, to have that taken care of!

Fat babies have no pride

I am carrying 11 lbs of baby right now. The ultrasound tech pointed out the boys' fat rolls to me. Wow are those little guys quickly turning into BIG guys!!! The midwife seems to think I'm going to deliver within the next three weeks.

Hallelujah.

"Fat Babies have no pride
That's okay, who needs pride?"
-Lyle Lovett

Weeks, if not days

We've scheduled our hospital tour for Wednesday night, and I have an ultrasound (my last?) scheduled for thursday morning.

I hit the thirty-four week mark on thursday, and that means no turning back! If I go into labor after thursday, no efforts will be made to stop my labor. This is such a huge week, not just in the boys development, but in the emotional process for me. I can't believe I am so close, finally!

Two years ago, Mark and I decided we wanted to have a baby. We thought, like many people think, that it would happen easily, quickly. I stopped taking birth control and we decided to "see what happens."

What happened was pretty much nothing! For a LONG time! Now, after all that waiting, the fertility treatments, the wondering, we are about to have not one, but two babies in our arms.

At this point, its hard to say how I feel. Anxious, excited, a little overwhelmed and intimidated. I am very much aware of how far we've all come--Me, Mark, and they little ones.

Life is good.

What is all this going to mean for blogging about infertility? Well, as an infertility blogger, I believe I'll be hanging up my hat. I'll also probably not blog about pregnancy in the future--except in nostalgia. I'll probably change the look and feel of this blog, as well as the tagline, but the title will stay the same. Hope does feel good, and after all the times I nearly lost hope, I have the rest of my lifetime to see it on the faces of my two little boys.

belly progress report

I think I'm officially huge now. And because everyone insists that "From behind, you don't look pregnant!" I included my booty shot. ;)

Can I have my brain back, please?

I'm so tired of crying over every little thing that happens, and I'm really, really tired of being a nasty bitch to everyone. I try and bite it back and hold it in and not be such a royal pain in the ass, and then I explode in a spectacular display of hormonal neediness.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed at my behavior today, and I really think that sometimes pregnancy brings out the worst in me.

"The days go by, just like they know me"

Okay, its starting to scare me how I lose track of time know. A minute ago it was 8AM, I was finishing breakfast and paying the bills online while waiting for it to be after 9 so that I could run errands without getting caught in traffic.

Now its almost noon, I am wondering WhereTF the time went, and why am I still on this stupid chair with my computer in my lap.

"The days go by, just like they know me
they know just how to get my goat
they kiss me hard and then grab me by the throat
then they sail away in a little boat
westerly..."
(greg brown)

How will it go, when it goes?

Will I wake up, in the middle of the night, needing something unfamiliar and realizing that the pressure, the pain, they are different from all the times before?

Will I go to a routine doctor's appointment and be sent from there to the hospital?

Will my water break?

Will I schedule a c-section and arrive at the hospital with a fresh pedicure and shaved legs?

Will I spend a day not unlike today? surrounded by the soft noises of dogs sleeping and snoring and dreaming? Music from a distant part of the house? The sounds of Mark cleaning something, a car, a floor, a fish tank? Will I watch Hank's toes twitch with his dreaming, hearing his soft hooting noises that would be barks if he were awake? Will I sing off-key as I wash the dishes and sort the laundry, the way I love to sing, loudly, brashly, with no one here to acknowledge how badly I sing? Will that day go on in my typical routine while inside I wonder if I should be timing contractions?

It could be a day like today. How will I say goodbye to our routine?

Post-Thanksgiving

A quiet thanksgiving at home yesterday. The smoked turkey was lovely, the stuffing perfect.

The kitchen is a mess because we left it in our turkey-drugged stupor to watch James Bond movies from the couch the rest of the afternoon.

Late at night I woke up from a vivid dream about food (specifically some kind of weird dead dried up fish someone was trying to get me to eat) to terrible reflux--the kind where stomach acid pours up into your throat. I had a hard time getting comfortable after that.

31 weeks pregnant now--only a few more weeks to go. I'm filled with impatience and excitement.

So damn tired

Last night I was contracting every 5-7 minutes while watching TV, so at 11 pm, I hopped in the bath tub with a 34 oz. bottle of water by my side and lay there for about an hour, drinking water the whole time. The contractions slowed to one every 10-15 minutes or so, so I got out, dried off, and went to bed.

And proceeded to get up to pee every 10 minutes for the rest of the night.

With these episodes of frequent contractions growing more common, I can't help but feel the boys are getting ready to show up within the next 4-6 weeks.

Get ready Mama, babies are coming!

Under no circumstances...

*warning, parental discretion advised. This post contains frank discussion of certain anatomical changes brought about by pregnancy. Yeah, THOSE changes. Cover the kiddos eyes, and if you don't want to hear about my ass, don't read any further.

So, I thought I might have hemorrhoids, a couple of weeks ago, but the certain awful sensations dissipated (or I grew accustomed to them) so I forgot about the thought that had crossed my mind..."Hey pregosaurus, you might have hemorrhoids!"

So today, I decided to do a little femmescaping. Nothing major, its not like I can see it, I just wanted to trim the hedges a bit because I had this funny thought that since my body hair has slowed in growth drastically, if I trim now, maybe I won't be jungleriffic when I deliver, and someone actually sees my bidness.

So, I mustered all my courage and got out the hand mirror and the beard trimmers and set to work. First note, at this point, I am large enough that my belly actually folds OVER my pubic hair a bit. It is damn near impossible to hold your belly up, hold a mirror, and work the trimmer at the same time. And don't think you can hold the mirror with your feet. It just does. not. work.

So, after deciding to trim that part blind, I moved on to the rest of it, which was fairly uneventful, once I figured out the mirror direction thing.

Then, as I was finishing up, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and though, "huh, what is THAT?"

Yeah, I moved the mirror. I looked. I saw.

I could have lived a long happy life without knowing what hemorrhoids look like. That image had always been somewhat vague and imaginary before. Now it is a reality burned into my brain forever, and I am horribly, terribly unnerved by it.

So, if you are pregnant, and you think you might have hemorrhoids, take my advice. Pay for a wax, or have your partner do your grooming for you. And set up a strict don't ask/don't tell policy with your partner.

And whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, hold a mirror anywhere near your pooper.

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d

I don't want to be one of those pregnant women who complains about being pregnant, but holy crap my belly hurts!

No one really ever tells you how it feels. My ribs are spreading and my sternum has turned up at the end like the end of a ski, leaving a burning/stinging/itchy sensation along the top of my bump where it meets my boobs, which are being held in a pretty perky position even without a bra by my hugeness. This sensation really feels like the itchiest rash ever combined with a pulled muscle.

Meanwhile, below the bump, there is some stretching pain in the groin, radiating up around my belly. This is pubic diastasis, and it ain't fun! Basically, everything is spreading, everything hurts.

I tried to explain to Mark, I am NOT totally miserable all the time. I'm just in pain and uncomfortable. I'm truly ecstatically happy--but all the joy in the world doesn't prevent a person from feeling pain. In two months, my boys will be here and this particular pain will be done.

I can handle it for two months. Just don't expect me to get anywhere in a hurry.

Hello Third Trimester!

28 weeks today babies!

Woo-hoo!

Went and got myself a pedicure, took the dogs to the boarding kennel for the weekend, and I am SO READY to go to the beach for Josh's wedding.

I have had so much anxiety wrapped up in whether or not I would be allowed to travel for this wedding, I think I will be so relaxed when its over, but I am REALLY looking forward to the weekend.