Reminder: It's time for your Annual Exam!

Since my twins are almost a year (!!!) old now, I received the reminder card in the mail that it is time for my annual exam.

As always, I kind of cringed a bit at the thought. Seriously, after all I went through to get pregnant, why on earth was I bothered at the thought of one tiny swab? I have to laugh at myself sometimes.

So, when I finished laughing at myself, I started thinking. About my babies (who are amazing), about infertility. About trying to get pregnant again.

What, what, what? No ma'am, this uterus has closed up shop!

So why on earth am I contemplating having my IUD removed? Well, several reasons. First and foremost--side effects. I would like to get laid again in this lifetime, and between breastfeeding (yes, they're still breastfeeding) and the IUD, let's just say the libido is a little, well, lacking.

I'm kind of in this weird going green, going natural groove, and wanting to cut down on artifical things in my life. This isn't where I post about my new years resolutions to cowgirl up and quit drinking coffee and alcohol. But if the IUD goes, maybe the zoloft can follow. As for the rest of my vices, well, they give me character.

I seemingly can't put the thought of having another baby out of my head. If I had my IUD removed, and got pregnant immediately, I would be due a few months before the boys second birthday. If I had my IUD removed and got pregnant after 18 months, like last time, it would be more like the boys 3rd birthday.

And if I never got pregnant again, that would be okay. I have the Roe and Joe Show now. And they are wonderful. And waking up right now.

One Hundred Pushups

http://hundredpushups.com/index.html

I've decided to do the 100 pushups challenge. Cheesy? Sure, but I think it will work, and I'm desperate for some kind of new fitness experience. So, today, I did my initial test. This is the first time since my JROTC days--over 13 years ago--that I've done a regular old on the toes pushup. Even in my fitness-freak post college "get all buff before my wedding" days, I did the girly knee pushups.

So, I'm not ashamed to say that I managed 8 "good form" pushups before collapsing. So, I'll officially start "week one" on Wednesday, doing pushups wednesdays, fridays, and sundays. I have no illusions that this is going to completely make over my body. However, I'm not really looking for a physical makeover here--I'm looking for a mental one. A physical challenge has always, for me, been a way to get myself into "the zone" mentally and emotionally. Perhaps in 6 weeks or so, when I've finished the 100 pushup challenge, I'll find myself ready to commit to a running program again. We'll see. :)

Mother's day, part two!

First off, thank you to everyone who reached out to me to comment after my last blog post. I really appreciate the outpouring of support and friendship. :)

A year ago, on Mother's day, I found out I was expecting! I just have so much to be thankful for after the last year. A healthy, full term twin pregnancy--two beautiful baby boys, a husband who is a wonderful partner in this journey called life, and every day brings more!

Postpartum depression

Postpartum depression can strike anytime in the first year after giving birth.

And boy, when it hits, it hits hard. I've always been a sort of easy going sort, but over the past few months, I've found myself becoming increasingly anxious and withdrawn. I found myself crying over small things, obsessing over finances (to the point of spending several hours out of every day worrying about money, doing calculations in my head), and most recently, obsessing over ways in which I might accidentally die. Drowning in the bathtub recurred frequently, as did falling down the stairs and breaking my neck. The bathtub was the one that really got me though, and its the one that finally alerted me to the suspicion that I might be depressed.

So, of course, I took an online quiz. And every single "symptom" applied to me. Some I had chalked up to fatigue, but in all likelihood I've been depressed longer than I thought. SO I called my doctor and I am going to see her on Monday, and we'll talk about medication, and I'm going to get better.

Phantom pregnancy feelings

Four weeks postpartum, I still feel "phantom" pregnancy feelings. Like I'll have gas and think I'm feeling a baby move.

There are so very many bittersweet things about not being pregnant anymore. So many little feelings I'm never going to have again. I've made peace with it, that I'm not planning anymore pregnancies, and "happy accidents" aren't likely with our history. But still, i feel like I've said goodbye to a chapter of my life that was so brief i'm afraid I imagined it. Out of the hell of infertility, I had 9 months of awkward, uncomfortable, anxiety-filled joy.

Now, nothing can compare to the joy I feel when my babies smile their little random smiles at me. Looking down at their sweet sleeping faces fills me with wonder--that my flawed body could have produced such perfection!

My eyes threaten to overflow when I stop to think about where we were a year ago--heading in for the HSG, hoping beyond hope each cycle was going to be "it". I wonder that I will never feel that particular type of hope again. In some ways, that feels safe and wonderfully so--because to not hope that way means I never have to fear having my hopes dashed again. But still, that waiting, hoping, waiting and my pregnancy, together have filled and defined over two years of my life. Now where do we go from here?

Parenthood is full of its own hopes and dreams, and I look forward to exploring those. But I think I will take a while to miss being pregnant, to miss the waddle even. Because it was the culmination of a certain kind of hope I am not likely to feel again.

Now I need to go update the twins' blog with news of their one month appt!
http://thebensontwins.blogspot.com

Two weeks postpartum

I feel great. My incision itches, but it doesn't hurt anymore. I shared my birth story on Roman and Joel's blog http://thebensontwins.blogspot.com

Long story short, I labored for almost 24 hours before having an emergency c-section due to a fever (mine) and fetal distress from both babies as a result of my fever. The fever was gone shortly after their birth--I was on IV antibiotics for 48 hours from the time of my section, and for a few hours before the boys were born.

The boys are doing great, they are BIG and healthy. And sooo sweet. I am truly very lucky to have such sweet little babies.

I have lost all my pregnancy weight, though I'm not allowed to exercise yet, so I may gain some of it back before my 6 week postpartum checkup. Hopefully at 6 weeks pp, I'll be allowed to exercise again, because dieting while breastfeeding is impossible--I am hungry constantly, and only large quantities of food will stave off the hunger!

Looking forward for the next months, I am filled with hope and feelings of joy. My heart is fuller than it has ever been.

huge, unruly belly

I am now reaching epic proportions. My belly is huge--and it moves almost constantly.

I don't know how much longer I'll be pregnant, but at this point there is nothing left to do but wait. And wait some more.